It is time for the football watching community to take action. For too long have we been ruled by John Madden, the most horrible tyrant in all of history. Look at him, he's melting, it's the perfect time to strike. Once he was a good man, a good coach, but somewhere between coaching and announcing he became the sick twisted toad that he is today. He dulls our minds with comments like "The Rams need to stop worrying about the horse being blind and just load the cart." What the hell does that mean? Or how about "Great catch, you know he's a big snake man, owns a snake store, has a lot f snakes at his house." He must be stopped. We need a unified front. Everybody that reads this must think of ways to stop this reign of terror, before it's too late.

This is true. John Madden has Fox wrapped around his fingers. You will NOT see him ever broadcasting any game that is not between either

• Bitter Rivals (with the possibilty of a huge rumble breaking out on the bench / in the bleachers)
• Two teams that are #1 in their division
• Playoffs
• Super Bowls

He has the lion's share of the good games, leaving the other casters (Stockton & Millen, Lott, Rosen, and whoever else) to pick up the scraps. I would wager, easily, that he has at least twice the salary of all the other broadcasters, and at least 25% more than Summerall.

The man must be stopped.

And I know how.

On the Thanksgiving game which he holds oh so dear (which, not-so-surprisingly this year will be the Cowboys vs the Vikings, seen ONLY ON FOX!), we sabotage him. We'll hit him where it hurts. We'll hit him in the 6-legged turkey.

I know you're saying "But jeremy! Does Madden even eat the 6-legged turkey?". The answer is a resounding yes. I have proof that after the game is over, he devours the turkey within the span of two minutes. We will need to sabotage the Turkey before it comes into the stadium (Texas Stadium, home of the damned). I have inside information that he favors the left front leg first. This leg will hold a bomb, set for 5 minutes upon removal from the rest of the turkey. The bomb cannot be more than one cubic inch. The bomb cannot cause any physical damage to any part of Madden, except to his larynx. This way he becomes useless to Fox, as right now, Fox has little need for Madden using sign language during broadcasts.

Mission: Impossible

It's time for the tyranny that is Madden to come to an end! It's time to pair Summerall up with someone who actually COMPLIMENTS his broadcasting ability, instead of drowning him out in tired clichés and poor metaphors.

It's time to take down John Madden.