What do you do if you are not sure about your career path but cannot change it??? Is the short term loss worth the long term gain; or is it merely a short term loss preceding a long term failure?

Is this what you were meant for?
Is this all you are capable off?
What if you have chosen the wrong direction?
Well the direction may not seem to be chosen by you, you were led here by the endless flow of life!
Can life be wrong?
Is the longing caused by life itself, or is it due to the decisions within it?
Is it so wrong to follow the flow of your own destiny blindly (if there is such a thing)?
Am I simply doing something that is hard but necessary, leading me to greater things?
What would become of me if I did a complete U-turn?
Maybe I would just make it worse!
Well all cannot be so bad as I have the most fantastic girlfriend!
Would she leave me if the rest of my life fucks up???

Maybe I should just trust my moto

12:56 (server time): I hate it when something unexpected interferes with my regular routine. Today at my business network meeting, the owner of the venue where we meet at every Friday morning came in late, and it was already decided that we would meet somewhere else. The owner pulls in just as several of us were pulling out to meet somewhere else. What really irked me was that nobody came down to where we agreed to meet at and inform us that we're back at our old spot. Somebody who knew someone's cell phonenumber should have called and let us know. To me, that's poor communications skills.

7/13, 4:16 server time: Long day finally comes to a close. Spent the evening making my macaroni salad to take to a campout that I was invited to. Went out there tonight briefly to get the list of events for the next two days so I can plan accordingly. Items to bring should include a bag of marshmallows because there's going to be a huge bonfire and I'm going to have toasted marshmallows. Not to mention that there's a couple people that I've met that are interested in doing business with me, so I'll have to have my business stuff with me as well.
Daylogs -- the emotional wasteland. The land fills of all the feelings and emotions too toxic to put anywhere else. All of the accounts of people dying, people falling in love, people falling into hate, and every other emotion in between.

It is daylogs where people release -- let out their true inner emotions. With what aim in mind? Deep down inside, many must hope that someone will read about their little snipet of life and somehow be able to do something to profoundly change their situation, but the truth of the matter is daylogs might get thumbed through every now and again, but are probably mainly ignored. This expansive wasteland of abandoned human emotion...

Well, here's my spiel.

Life is tough right now because, you guessed it, a girl. This is a girl that I've put my complete faith in for about 6 months -- never even stopped to question anything. I deeply love this girl, and that makes what I've got to do so much harder. We broke up just about one month ago, and I have to turn and walk away from the whole thing now. The reason it wasn't working out is because I live in a city about 80 miles away from the one she lives in -- we both go to school, and it's hard as hell to see each other. We managed for the past 6 months, but now it seems as though this isn't worth it anymore. There's something like 3 weeks left of summer -- three weeks I'm left here in the same town as her. Every day that goes by, I'm dying a little piece at a time. One of her ex's (that is good friend with her, and I've come into friendship with) swears up and down she's one not to be trusted -- that she's a liar. It's been so hard to try to detach. I put on that "I'm doing alright" face, so as to hide the fact that my soul is dying. I'm just hoping that this feeling will go away.

Problems arise when I can't get over her, but I want to, but I don't want to. I need to let go, because I know it's not going to happen at this moment in time, but for all the love inside me that I have for her -- I cannot.

On to the part about her being a liar. I'm still trying to believe everything that she ever told me, but there just seem to be inconsistencies. Little alleged stupid lies here or there, but she will tell me she's always been honest with me. I'm noble, and I believe in honesty. In the begining I asked her for only two things, and one of them was honesty. Is it she that is lying? Or someone else filling my head with suggestions. I'm just trying to make the break... trying to complete the cycle, so I can move on -- and so there won't be this massive void in my life.

"Betrayed" isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind.

I stand to lose my license over a speeding ticket I got while I was driving her home one day. She didn’t have proof of insurance in the car. Turns out, technically she might not have had insurance.

I had to sell my car, because my parents told me I can’t drive anymore.
I’ve still got close to a month before I can be back at school with all my friends again
I am truly completely cut off from everything that keeps me sane; the girl I love, my friends, my job (is at school), my car, and the gym.

This will pass, it always does…

And there's my emotional radioactive waste. I'm dumping it here for someone to read, and not really care. At least the idea that someone out there is running their eyes over it and thinking, "wow, his situation really *is* fucked up." I suppose that's enough for me.

After around two months of my housemate not being around and the rest of us using her computer as our only source of net access, she finally returned the other day.

This turned out to be very bad for what was turning out to be an astounding mp3 collection, filled with stuff from the house's collective interests.

Then she came home, reclaiming what was admittedly her computer, bitching about how little space there was left on the hard drive (somewhere in the region of 1.5 gig free) and then promptly replaced the entire thing with Bryan Adams and Bon Jovi. Because that's great music that is.

I have just wiped the last shreds of what I've downloaded from the computer. If she doesn't like our shit and is willing to wipe it without checking what it is, she can go without the good stuff that she decided to keep as well. After all, I downloaded it, didn't I? It's not hers, so it should go. It's not like there aren't other computers knocking around the house that the stuff could have been transferred to.

First you get the new PC, Then you get the cable modem, then you get the LAN with a hub with not quite enough ports to serve the entire house.

She can keep her AOL. Spite is a many splendoured thing.

This has been a roommates from hell presentation.

Oh, by the way, I'm writing this on her computer and laughing. Always with the laughing.

Happy birthday to me. I'm 24 today.

- My last year of being single has come to a close. I'm not going to miss it one bit. Amen.
- What was most likely my last year of living in the world that makes sense (New York) has come to a close. I'm still mourning.
- My last year of working shitty-ass retail mall jobs if over. Praise Yahweh.

Now, where was I?

out with a thud

weill in japan: day 10

Week 1 of classes is officially in the books, and I'll be very busy this weekend getting all of my homework done. It's not the best situation, but I keep reminding myself that it was my idea to transfer up to this class. Some shifting between classes is still going on, but everyone should be settled in by next week.

My class has two teachers who teach two hours each. One of them, a male teacher, is very outgoing and involves the class in fun activities. The other, a female teacher, means well but teaches boring, repetitive lessons that bore the class to tears. Even when I have my morning coffee, it's hard to stay focused when we're reciting the same passage that we've been studying all week.


After classes ended on Friday, I went with a group of 30 students to nearby Osawadai Elementary School. We observed two classes: one on ethics and one on calligraphy. The ethics class consisted of students hearing passages about social interactions, and then analyzing why people did what they did. I don't remember studying this sort of thing in my elementary school back in the U.S., but it's possible that we did do it. Calligraphy class proceeded more or less like a typical art class, except that the students were simply expected to duplicate the characters given to them on a sheet of paper. It was pretty repetitive, but some of the students were getting into it.

After watching the students at work, we split off into groups to talk to them individually. This was the part I was most looking forward to, but the students quickly ran out of things to talk about. They started asking me and another American student about what kinds of sports people we like, what kind of cars and tires are available in the U.S., and other such things. Since the World Cup, soccer has become very popular in Japan; the 5th-graders we spoke to knew more about the American soccer players than we did. Only one question cracked us up: one of the kids asked us if we knew any kogyaru. Literally "little gals," kogyaru are the gold-digging women who wear pancake makeup and extremely expensive clothes in Shibuya, searching for older (often married) men who will buy them gifts and take them to expensive restaurants. This practice, called enjo kousai, bears a negative social stigma, but it's not going away any time soon. When asked if we knew any kogyaru, both of us Americans just cracked up and didn't really answer.

After class got out, I went for lunch at a little Japanese place called "Kentucky Fried Chicken" with some of the dorm students, checked my e-mail in the library, then headed for home.

sleep irregularity

Because I ate lunch at close to 4:00 PM, I told my host mother that I was not hungry for dinner at 7:00. At around 7:00 PM, I went to bed for what I thought was going to be a little nap, but ended up awakening at 2:30 in the morning. That's the second time that I've slept clear through dinner, and awakened early the next morning. It's a little annoying, too, since I need to do laundry on Saturday night for sure.

I have my assignments, I have plenty of rest, and I'm making a second trip to Akihabara -- this time, with one of my fellow students. It should be interesting. Time to get going.

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