display | more...

Happy Birthday to me. I am 37 today.

I wish I was in a better place for this entry right now. For the last two weeks, I've been thinking about impermanence. How things in life always change, regardless of whether those changes are good or bad. Constant flux and movement. The tide comes in so it can go out. It scares me. I want stability and solidity. I want it all the more now that it seems to have abandoned me in the moment where I apparently needed it most.

There are moments in my life that I shared with people that are now no longer here, and that scares the shit out of me. I am the sole narrator of those moments now; there is no on here to cross check me on the facts of these stories. Whatever bias I have about the particulars of those moments is no longer relevant, since I'm the only one with the story.

Like in Chrononauts, where the most legitimate Mona Lisa in play becomes "the" Mona Lisa. I don't want to be the Mona Lisa. But I'm the only one in play.

I should not be the sole narrator of anything. I am unreliable. I'm an asshole. I'll fuck it up. There needs to be an editor, an additional source, someone to confirm or deny. There needs to be accountability. Instead, I get to be the arbiter of what actually happened for significant parts of 1997. I get to decide what the real meaning is of so many nights in early 2012. And this is monumentally fucked up.

If this is a symptom of of approaching middle age, please tell me so that this doesn't feel like some weird bullshit thing my brain is shoving onto me.

Because when I think about the last year, it is kind of a story of simplicity and stability. The winter and early spring were a really good time for me. I dug back into myself in a way that I had been letting slide. I took a look at what I was doing with my life and my time, and made some difficult but necessary decisions. I took that time and energy and put it into people that I wanted to be with. I'm happier and heather for doing that. I've solidified myself at work, my calendar is full and fulfilling, and life churns along.

So why does everything feel all weird? Why is there anxiety and fear? I need to get to the bottom of this, because it's drowning out the good stuff right now. I need the good stuff. I want to get back to the positivity and good feeling that I had in the winter, when it looked like everything was pointed in the right direction. I want to feel as secure as I can without letting my brain fuck it all up.

I just want the direction. Point me in a direction.

I bought myself some pillows for my loveseat yesterday. I also bought a runner for the hall and a very soft white cotton throw blanket for my blue chair. I'm still not done figuring out how things are going to go together, I framed a Starry Night reproduction that my yougest did, I'd like to get some things that the girls did framed and hung up around the house. Perhaps I don't need artwork, but I'd like some and pieces that remind me of the girls would be nice. Yesterday my ex and I disagreed on what furniture should be in which place. I have a bookcase over at his place that I want back. He has a bookcase here that I would like to get rid of, and I don't really know why he's hanging onto it. He says that he's using it, but that's not really the point. He came and took the bed that the girls had been using. I was glad to see it go. When he asked which bed he could take, I had a feeling that he wanted beds that I wasn't ready to give up just yet. I feel like he doesn't make me a priority, so I'm less willing to work with him and that isn't always a conscious decision, but it comes out in weird ways that I'm not always aware of at the time.

My understanding was that I was going to get my desk and bookcase back. He said that it didn't matter what he wanted, it was always what I want, and it was easier just to cave than to try and argue with me about it. He's still upset that he's at the condo and I'm staying at the house. It really frustrates me when he tells me that I need to get over things. I'm upset that he didn't take some of the things I would like out of the house. Last night I sorted through quite a few pictures. Somebody took a bunch of pictures and just dumped them in a box. I took everything out of the box and started separating pictures into piles. I'm not finished yet, but I made a great deal of progress as that was really difficult for me to go through by myself. I have two empty photo albumbs, my next project is going to be to go through the pictures I still have and either put the photos into some sort of chronological order, or try to separate them out so each of the girls has a set of pictures. I can't stand looking at pictures of him or us. I don't want any wedding photos and he can toss the pictures of us before kids if he'd like, I'm not interested in hanging onto them.

I've been thinking about my laundry area. He took chairs that I was going to use down there, but I might still be able to do what I would like to as far as baskets go. We have had water in our basement in the past, and if you've ever had to deal with water in a room, you know how destructive it is and how futile your efforts to clean it up can be. I have a fear of water in the basement again, I can't prevent that, but I can keep possessions to a minimum down there and I can put baskets and other things up off the floor so if water does come gushing in again, it will be less work for me. I pulled a lot of old food out of the fridge. That was upsetting to see. I know it's my fault for buying groceries when we weren't really out. I've spent a lot of money this month and I'm going to spend more. I want some rugs for the kitchen, I can only find one laundry basket so I'm going to pick up some stacking baskets, or another idea I had was to use decorative baskets or those soft sided things that I see in stores, I'm not really sure what the best option is and maybe it isn't a matter of best, it's just personal preference and taste. 

I'm going to move my ironing board upstairs. I'd like a new one, but I can live with the one I have for now. I have a large closet, I'm thinking about putting my ironing board in there, I can get something to hang it up when it's not in use, or I can just leave it up and use that as a flat space to lay out clothes or whatever. Jill's room is almost empty. There's a small dresser, a smaller bookcase, and the chairs that my father-in-law's wife painted for them. Out of all the rooms in the house, that one is my favorite. The view is very pretty, it's on the south side of the house and I may take that room back for my own since I've never really liked the master bedroom. It's on the north side of the house, there are three windows, but they're arranged in such a manner that it's almost impossible to get furniture to look halfway decent in there. Either you run into a window, you're covering the heater, or your bed is the first thing you see when you open the door since it's in the middle of the wall without a window. I want a table for the sun porch, I rearranged things in my TV room so now I have the videos in a cabinet and the workout stuff that I should be using more often in its own corner.

My books are helping, today I'm going to take the day off. I get too wrapped up in things, they prey on my mind and then I sit and stew about past hurts and things I can't control anyways. I need to go out and do something fun away from the house. This is my life and I shouldn't be expected to slave away without any rewards. I don't know what I'm going to do today, but I'm looking forward to exploring my options. It's almost time for church, a girlfriend of mine invited me to the gym, I'm not one for Sunday morning workouts. I don't really enjoy working out with her which is probably the larger issue. She's just not my style at the gym. I enjoy things she doesn't, and I never feel like I've really gotten to do what I want at the gym when we're together so I think I'll just tell her that I don't mind walking with her, but she's at a fitness level that I can't keep up with and I don't want to slow her down or sit and be bored while she's doing whatever. Lots going on inside of my head, need to step back, take some deep breaths, and realize that things are going well and will continue to improve given time. 

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.