July 13, 2007

It's been quite a while since I've written anything for E2. I'm not sure I even remember how. Today is Friday the thirteenth. If I can get up in time I'm going to the movies this morning with the mental health clinic I attend 4 times a week. We won't know what we are seeing until right before we leave.

This week has been a typical week for me, here's how it went:

• Thursday: Spent the day in bed, depressed. Ate a couple snacks and then had dinner at 7pm.
• Wednesday: Got up at 8am and went to the clinic for "clubhouse", picked up my meds (which have been changed again), then went to my mom's house and then to the college to get an appointment to register for fall and get my adapted testing form updated. Went back to mom's and cleaned out my car. Then mom and I took the twins and both cars to the car wash. This is a rare occurance, in fact I believe that is the first or possibly second time I've ever took my car to the carwash. After that I went home. Took a nap, and got on the computer.
• Tuesday: Got up in time to go to Living well group at the clinic at 2pm. Talked about my depression in group and got some feedback. Also got a suggestion that my chronic headaches may be caused by MSG in Ramen which is a large part of my diet. Came home and did the usual.
• Monday: Was supposed to be at the clinic at 9:30am for clubhouse but did not make it. I recently started a new medicine, Amitriptyline, to help prevent headaches which made me very groggy for the first several days of taking it and I was unsafe to drive that early in the day but I did get to the clinic in time for my 2:00pm appointment with my psychiatrist. I am now taking the following meds:
  • Risperdal: 3mg twice a day
  • Luvox: 300mg at bedtime
  • Buspar: 30mg twice a day
  • Lithium: 300mg twice a day
  The only new med this month is the Lithium. I've been on other mood stabilizers but never lithium.
• Sunday: Spent the day at Disneyland with my mom and three of my siblings.
• Saturday: Pretty much the same day as Thursday.
• Friday: Went to a new neurologist. He didn't receive the CT scan of my back yet so all he could work on was the migranes.

I've been living on my own since mid-February. I have an apartment I pay for with the assistance of Section 8. It's just about ten minutes from my school and about 12 minutes from "home". I've kept up with my bills and have seen two bugs since I moved in, a cricket which I killed tonight, and a small black bug with wings I couldn't identify which I killed about a week ago. My bedroom is a disaster area but the rest of the apartment I have managed to keep up pretty well. I enjoy living on my own. It means I can eat and sleep when I want to and wear whatever I want around the house.

I go to Disneyland a couple of times a month. My whole family has annual passes. Most of the trips I go with my mom and young siblings ("the twins" who are almost 4 years old), and spend the day pleasing the little ones. It's not often that I go without them but I do occassionally get to go just with my 16 year old brother and we spend the day bonding on the "big rides". I love going to the Disneyland Resort even though it kills my back.

I'm currently out of school for the summer but at the end of this month I register for fall at Citrus and will be taking Intro to Cataloging (library science) and Psychology of Religion I. I am petioning for financial aid but there's a good chance I won't get any this year so I'm not quite sure how I am going to pay for registration and books. Hopefully I'll get some financial aid and if not hopefully my case manager at the mental health clinic can help me come up with the needed funds.

The depression is pretty deep right now but I'm still able to fake my way through on most days. The self-injury happens every few days and is not severe. The anxiety is mostly under control lately. The sleeping too much has been a problem but it's 5:15am and I haven't gone to bed (and I have my alarm set to get up at 7:15am). I just realized the time. I will now do one of two things:

1. Finish my chamomile tea and go to bed
   or
2. Fix a cup of green tea and take a nap after the movies this afternoon.

   Either way I'll need a nap this afternoon.

POINT/COUNTERPOINT:
Cassie Stevens, Hot Topic Sales Associate
and
Vichizzle McNizzle, Pimp Daddy

---

Acid

Vichizzle: Whadddup peeps? So what we got today? Acid? Shiii-ite. It may suhPRIZE you to know that even wit my apparent lack of restraings on indulgin I ain't nevah touched that shit. Fo real. Mm-mm. Dat right. "Hey Vichizz, why that be, you be the phattest muthafucka I know, why you ain't nevah took a trip?!" you might be askin. Well, I'll tell ya.

First of all, you gots to be around peeps you trust when you doin that shit and the first thing ya gotta know about me is I don't trust NObody. There ain't nobody I know that I am One-Hunner percent sure they won't fuck wit me while I be trippin. Acid is hard core shit and you gotta know what you're doin, ain't nuthin like puffin on a spliff which I do on occassion. Well, let's keep it real, almose every fuckin day! But the point is, I can usually keep most of my wits about me when I'm doin that, and that acid ain't shit to fuck with lightly. The peeps you wit while you be trippin gotta be one of those kinds of friends that will catch you when you fall backwards during one of those fuckin crackah campin trips, knowhaddi'msayin? And I ain't know nobody like dat!

Second, in my line of bizznitch, ya gots to carry a piece! I have one on me at all times, even whiles I sleeps! Takin a hit a acid izz NOT a very advize-able idea while you packin heat! I don't need to have evah tripped to know dat. I don't wanna be blowin' away any of my homeys thinkin' they giant squid monstahs an shit! Sheeeeott.

Cassie: Ohmygosh, so like my friend Madison, she knows this guy who like knows where to get acid. Like he knows this guy who sells the shit from the back of his van or something. So anyway, me, Madison and this other friend Shelly, we like totally have always wondered what it would be like to do some acid. Those chicks are like sooooo cool I'm glad I quit that fucking GAP gig a few months ago (my old boss was like a total perv, would "accidentally" walk in on us when we were changing in the dressing rooms). Like Shells and Mads are like the sisters I never had! Anyway, we have done some other shit, like a little pot and stuff (and we all smoke cigarettes, although Shelly claims she's trying to quit) but while we're sittin around smokin we've talked about it and stuff and like got out Shelly's laptop and researched it and shit and it sounds really freakin wild so finally the other day we put some of our money together and got Madison to get some acid from her friend and she like totally scored some!

So I'm like doing some right now. I decided to be the like guinea pig or whatever. I just put that shit on my tongue like you're supposed to and let it dissolve. We've been like sitting here watching some TRL and just like waiting for shit to happen. Damien, he's like... I fucking swear, he's totally looking at me. But like he's on TV so like I guess he's not. And... what the? Like my foot's starting to shake like my old aunt Selma who had like the Parkinson's and that's like a little scary. I'm like feeling that something is about to happen like it's a dam and like little holes are in it and stuff is trickling out but like it's gonna burst open and I know that sounds weird, but...

Shit, dude, Damien is like totally talking to me. These videos are for me holy shit this TRL was all for me. Who set this up? Shells probably did to like totally fuck with me cuz I'm doin this acid and like hey Damien! Your spikey hair! There's like spiders in it! Ew! Ew! I'm telling Madison there's like spiders in his hair and she's just like laughing! I'm like yelling at Damien but he's ignoring me. Whoah. Maybe all of this is the acid or something.

Oh dude. The TV. It is totally like farther away now. Did I move? Did somebody move the couch? What the-? Oh, they're talking to me now. Like really slowly. Really slowly. Like I'm retarded or something. I'm not retarded just on fucking acid stop talking so slow! Wait. What the fuck is this? I'm sinking into the floor! No, wait, let me get off of the part made of oatmeal.

Bugs! BUGS! BUGS!! EWWW!

Oh they're gone. Quit laughing! My friends, they're laughing at me now. They keep giggling and laughing at me! I can see their laughs. They're swirling out of their mouths... why won't they stop laughing! They're filling the rooms with laughs! It's like a total big mess am I like gonna have to clean it up? It's getting on the ceiling... hey wow, like the light fixture on like the ceiling... Ohmygod, I understand the universe now. How the light is lighting the room, it's like the secret to everything, it's like the meaning of the universe. It's... like the light is everything, the dark is like nothing. Whoah. I can totally like feel how the fucking lights smell. I can feel the scent! Now that's like totally fucked up an stuff. It feels hot. Ouch! OUCH! OH! The ceiling!

AHH! The ceiling! THE CEILING IS COMING AFTER ME! HOLY SHIT! IT'S GONNA KILL ME!

Vichizzle: Muthafuck. See, this is why I ain't nevah--

Cassie: My friends! Oh shit like they're totally trying to make me part of the floor! They're like merging me with the fucking floor! I am the floor! I'm gonna be a floor for the rest of my life holy shit a floor I'm a floor! Their laughs, they're staining me, getting all over! Get them off!

Oh wait. I'm not a floor. The ceiling has decided to stop attacking me because the light taught me the secret to the universe. Like ohmygod. Like, Finger 11 is totally trying to steal the secret from me and Damien is like letting them do it! Get away from me Finger 11, you can't have it, it's, like, mine you assholes! MINE! And you can't have it either, Shelly! Or you Madison! Oh shit, I don't have it anymore, I don't remember what it is. They like totally stole it from my mind. Their fingers, they're taking my thoughts through their fingers as they're holding my arms. They're sucking them right through my skin. They're like totally sucking out my memories.

The ceiling! THE CEILING IS COMING AFTER ME AGAIN! AND THIS TIME IT'S like GOT SPIDERS an shit!!

Vichizzle: Well, folks, like I been sayin, I be nevah touchin that acid shit. Peace out. I think I'm gonna go do some tokin!

Cassie: Like, SPIDERS!!!!!!!

---

11/24/04 == 12/20/04 == 12/21/04 == 12/30/04 == 01/31/05 == 02/10/05 == 02/14/05 == 05/18/05 == 07/25/05 == 09/01/05 == 10/24/05 == 12/22/05 == 07/20/06 == 10/31/06 == 02/07/07 == 07/13/07 == 12/18/07 == 9/17/08

Been doing the whole depression thing, which is boring to go through, and even more boring to write about. It has been said before, but depression is neither sexy nor interesting. It is just tiresome and stifling, and nothing good ever comes of it.

Yesterday, I watched over seven hours of television, most of it reality television. Big Brother, So You Think You Can Dance, Top Chef, Last Comic Standing, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, et cetera. I did this simply from a lack of anything better to do. Instead of cleaning out the van, the house, doing laundry, working extra hours, or doing the dishes I was watching television and playing video games. And none of it was any fun.

I am far too smart for this. This unimaginative, bland boring is for other people.

But I think I'm over it, for now. Last night I got a text message from a former liason. We lay about in my room, holding hands and caressing skin. Afterward, I felt like me again. Like a human being.

---

Every day I sit down at a desk in the call center, put a headset on, and bring up the various systems that I need. I log into my desk phone, push a button, and the deluge of calls begin. In a ten hour shift I will take over 60 calls. All of them begin the same way:

"It's a beautiful day at ----, my name is Garland, how may I help you?"

I work technical support, which consists mainly of telling people to turn off their phones once a decade, following troubleshooting guides, and narrowing down the source of problems. Sometimes it involves telling people that, no, we are not sending them a new phone to replace the one they dropped in the pool, that yes, their child did send and receive thousands of text messages without a messaging feature on their account, leading to hundreds of dollars of overage. Their contention that their child told them that they NEVER send text messages is not my fucking problem. Of course, I am ever so polite about it.

I am good at what I do because these people will never make me angry or upset, they will never see me sweat. I treat them with respect even when they are patently rude, and I find them amusing. A woman who is shouting at the top of her lungs because she thinks she deserves a new Blackberry for free, without any extension of her contract, simply because she's been a customer for three years is ridiculous. And the fact that I know it isn't going to happen only makes it better for me, because all I have to do is be extremely nice and it is only going to make her more angry.

Sometimes I am chosen to do floor support, answering questions and taking calls when someone asks to speak to a supervisor. The thing I love about these calls is that I am the end of the line for them. No transfers to another department, all of it stays in house. They can ask to speak to my supervisor, but if that happens chances are the supervisor is going to end up hanging up on the customer for harassment. Some of these people get vicious.

The burnout rate is high, and the work is hard, to an extent. Calls are back to back most of the time, and there is little downtime. But I like it, sometimes. I like connecting emotionally with good customers, making angry customers even angrier with kindness, and once in a while, making people happy.

Love and Nosebleeds
Garland