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I have been back at work half time since the start of April.

Half time doesn't really work. We are seeing patients from 9 until noon and then add an acutely sick person on at one if needed. We do paperwork and advertising and arguing with the insurance companies and general business stuff after that. I was doing clinic from 9 to 4 daily before I got sick last May, four days a week, and business on Wednesday. Five days a week is actually working better and better access. Friday was nuts-gonzo and we were there until 5:30. I wrote and sent 7 referrals in the afternoon, to general surgery, the podiatrist, the neuro-psych doctor and to the cardiologist. The first one got three, the second two.... The scanner/fax/copier was glowing. We wear them out.

I saw my doctor and she agreed that I should continue with the half time for now. On a good day I go home hopefully at two but more like three. I still get tired too easily, which isn't that surprising since my fast twitch muscles didn't work from May 30 until about January 15. That is a long time. I go to bed some nights at 7:30 or 8:00, including last night.

Since I have the official part time word, I may be able to ask the physician's assistant to work in the afternoon some. It depends on whether the malpractice insurance insists that I can only be "covered" by a physician not a midlevel. If the malpractice agrees that a midlevel can fill in, the electronic medical record will probably let us work under one license. Can't afford malpractice and emr for two working part time. Sigh. And need new computers for the dreaded ICD 10 in the fall.

Patients are coming back and new ones are showing up. Three new veterans in three weeks, because of the Veterans Choice program. I get along pretty well with them: dark senses of humor and a general attitude of careful wariness.

It's nice to have my muscles back and nice that the clinic didn't die. And me too.

Today is the beginning of my first mostly kid free week. Right now I'm so exhausted my plan is to eat, sleep, and see what housework I can get done when I no longer feel like a zombie. It's still wet and raining here. I have new patch of mosquito bites on my left wrist that are blistering and angry, they hurt, but they don't really itch which is a blessing. We went to church, went out to eat, and went grocery shopping where I blew my budget so that is making me mad at myself. I have half a tank of gas and a little under two hundred dollars to last until the thirtieth, but I also have the other half of my allowance sitting in saving and some cash in envelopes that I could use if I need them for anything.

I think the reason I overspent is I wanted to treat myself for surviving a long and rain filled week. Looking back I can't point to any one thing that was super stressful, but at the time it seemed like it would never end. This morning I snuggled with my youngest daughter on the couch for a while. Sometimes my kids tell me that I look like I need a nap and insist that I lay down. While I want to believe that they are concerned about how hard I'm working, I think the driving force behind this is mom being in her room allows them to play video games without me telling them it's time to get off. I should tell them that what would really help is if they did some of the housework and chores that need to be done.

I bought a lot of fresh fruit and produce at the store today. This week I'd like to hit the farmer's market and see what I can get there. I'm really distracted today so this thing is going to be all over the place. I've been reading up on when divorced people should start thinking about dating again. A lot of the blog posts I read gave time limits. One year for every four to five years you've been together, two years, etc..., but my favorite post was seventeen rules for dating after divorce that says multiple experts agree that every relationship is different and don't prescribe a time line. Instead they focus on things to do for yourself, and what to do and avoid while you're out on the dating scene. I've never liked the idea of a dating site, but they recommend everyone try it out just so they can meet other people and go on casual dates.

They also recommend getting a makeover, treating yourself to a day at the spa and pampering yourself, getting a new outfit, doing some redecorating, getting out of the house, and making it clear to others that your children are not going to accompany you on playdates as a way to get to know someone you may be interested in going out with. I should take some time to get to know myself better and think about what I want and need out of a partner. They recommend getting together with old friends and joining groups to do new things once a month as this is a nice way to meet a variety of new people without the stress and pressure of a first official date. I've been thinking about joining some sort of group, I think I should just pick something and go for it since it doesn't really matter what I do.

Your ego really takes a beating when you get divorced. It's hard to not think about the ways that you failed your partner and your child(ren) if you have them. I know a couple of my deal breakers, but I'd like to really get crystal clear on what qualities and traits are going to work for me. A girlfriend and I were just talking about underage drinking, I'm not much of a drinker and being around people who drink is usually not very fun for me. I typically enjoy one drink per outing and then call it quits. I'm allergic to beer and since I can have a great time when alcohol isn't involved, I'm expecting my partner to drink responsibly too. Of course that opens up the question what does responsible drinking look like, but if I think it's going to be an issue I'd rather not go out with this person in the first place. Craft beers and IPAs do nothing for me except make me nervous so I can knock out the guys who are routinely getting new untapped badges and posting them to social media sites.

My daughter and another friend of mine suggested trying to meet someone on Twitter, or going out with someone I already know, but so far I'm not so sure I want to try that. I know who I am there and I don't want to rock that boat although I have thought about a couple of people I could ask out that I would like to get to know better. The thing is I don't want anything serious, I just want to get out of the house and I don't need a man to do that. I would like some adult companionship and quite frankly I miss getting laid, but I am absolutely not going to put out for anyone just because we're going out. I've been down that road, seen what it does, and that part of the relationship can keep me involved with someone I would be better off without. 

Even among my baseball friends it's hard since I'm not the kind of person who wants to sit at a ballpark all day eating the food and drinking overpriced drinks. I'm okay with being picky at first. If I need to lower some of my standards so be it, but at first I'm focusing on narrowing the group as there are so many people to choose from that I need some sort of filtering system. I won't date a smoker or anyone who uses smokeless tobacco. Ugly guys don't bother me as long as I can talk to them and I feel as if we get along well. The other day a friend of mine told me that he had problems because he was so shy. I think I will need someone who is confident on the social scene, I think I would overwhelm a shy person and I would feel bad if I was constantly dominating a conversation. 

The other articles had some really good points about how you think about your ex and yourself. I don't need someone else to get over him. I've been over him for a long time and while I can see where there is fault on both sides I think that I've been better about seeking counseling, reading books, and aggressively and relentlessly self improving. I don't begrudge him his new woman. I hope it works out for them even if I don't think it will as he hasn't resolved any of the issues that led to the dissolution of our marriage. Since I like having lists and a plan, here are some things I want to do in the near future:

1. Find a group to hang out with, maybe join a tennis club since I think there's one very near my house.

2. Hit the gym. We're getting a Y membership and I want all of us to be more active.

3. Go shopping with my friends and my sisters. 

4. Keep writing. Both daylogs and fiction.

5. Sign up for school. I may not get this job, but I can go back to school so the next time there's an opening I'll be more qualified than I am now. I can do fire, EMT, or both which is exciting as these are not super expensive courses and I think I will enjoy them.

6. Keep refining my list of what I want out of life.

7. Talk to some of my friends and see if they know any single guys I might be able to go out with. 

8. Treat myself to a spa day. I HAVE EARNED THIS!

9. Keep reading my books, add to my collection as necessary.

10. Start working with what I have at home. Paint, get some rugs, change things up a bit. This is my place for now and I want it to reflect me and my personality better. I'm not sure what I've been waiting for, but I'm going to start getting rid of things and clearing out his stuff ASAP. I've been doing this, but I'm going to really get into it this week. Poor guy, I almost feel sorry for him, but it will be good for him too.

Wish me luck!

P.S. There have been several people here who have been wonderful cheerleaders. I don't want to single anyone out, but your kindness and optimism keep me going during those darker times. Thank you seems very inadequate, but I wanted to publicly recognize your vigilance and heart. Xoxo 

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