I spent today in divorce court due to my wife, Trixie Goats, filing for sinful divorce and trying to take half of my fortune. I explained to the judge that I don't have time for this dicking around in court bullshit on account of now running three separate forced work and internment camps in North Dakota, where my workers labor twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, with breaks STRICTLY prohibited. They NEED constant supervision and punishments to keep them on task, and that suffers in my absence, even with my militia friends there in my stead. He told me he appreciates my work in bringing back the American Dream and told me he would try to "streamline" the proceedings.
I sort of received permission to reprint the court transcript here when I asked the bailiff about it and he nodded and made a "yummy" sound. And so, I will try to give an abbreviated version forthwith:
TRIXIE'S ATTORNEY (forthwith known as TA in the transcript): Mr. Goats is a horrible person who operates forced labor camps, has 298 warrants out for his arrest, not including war crimes charges he's been asked to face at The Hague, and mass graves have been discovered on his property in Baltimore, Maryland and on property he illegally occupied in Utica, New York.
JUDGE: And Mrs. Goats can prove she was unaware of these activities when she agreed to marry Mr. Goats?
TA: She was not. She married him because she thought he was an attractive man with a good heart.
JUDGE: Lady, Mr. Goats is a sexually aggressive ninety-year-old man who has done extensive surgery on his own body for no scientifically valid reason and leaks more than a gallon of bodily fluids out of him each day. Mrs. Goats is a bosomy twenty-four year old woman with an ass that won't quit. Your assertion here is absurd.
BEHR: The judge has a point, bitch.
JUDGE: Sit down please, Mr. Goats. I am on your side here and was long before this case crossed my desk. Don't threaten the special relationship we've had since you began contributing to my political campaigns. Do you understand me?
BEHR: Yes, sir.
JUDGE: So, yes. Bitch, please, don't bullshit me. It is obvious that Mrs. Goats, who became Mr. Goats's property when they exchanged their vows, making divorce a ridiculous notion that rails against the decency of traditional marriage, entered into this union because she sought to gain a large share of Mr. Goats' extensive fortune, which he has worked hard all his life to build. I am denying the request for a divorce and demand that Mrs. Goats move back in with her husband and submit to him in every imaginable way, including all his incredibly unnatural desires.
BEHR: Thank you, judge.
JUDGE: Don't mention it.
As you can see, the lawlessness in this country may be dire, but justice still exists in our society. Highlighting victories in our legal system are vital now for reminding us of where we were before the poor and shiftless began acting up and REAL justice was served like a cold dish. Hopefully, these days will return once again. We can only pray that they will.