The Man1k Depressive Diary
Yesterday {
Wake Up;
Check Clock;
Jog to Work;
Pretend to Work;
Pretend to Work;
Lunch && Coffee;
Work;
E2;
Jog Home;
disArm(Code.Slavery);
Shower++;
sub(Spawn.MANIK);
}
Let all the usual stuff aside, it's Yesterday evening 6pm. I'm back home and I'm feeling restless
as usual. I tour the apartment, desperately trying to find something enjoyable to do.
Anything to perform, execute, commit, sing, play, think, ponder, wuss, zip, zap, zop......I lack all equivalents of computers, books and all at home... Obviously, but why. By choice, hmm...
My desperate attempts to find anything at all interesting to execute turn out as miserable as usual - I only manage to come up with flat out frightening lists of tasks I have postponed time after time...
Bills unpaid, clothes lying, letters not sent.
Suddenly the phone rings.
Any usual day, I find myself not wanting to answer the phone. This time, regardless of whom it could be, I am socially charged. I need to discharge all my energy and enthusiasm before I explode.
I dare myself to see who's calling and eventually pick up the phone, too.
It's Anne.
She wants to know whether she and a couple of her friends can show up at my house later tonight.
Usually, I'd refuse.
This time, I have no options. If they don't show up, I'll be out, talking to strangers on the street in what, fifteen minutes.
"Sounds like a plan," I grin at her on the phone. She agrees to take care of all the details.
They show up, we play social for a while, eat and what-not. The evening turns out okay.
They leave as mutual exhaustion and tiredness is voiced. "Some of us will have to wake up for work," is figured and standard, regular good-byes are exchanged.
As they leave I open the window.
It's pouring rain outside...
Indeniably, still feeling as restless... Tired yes, but unable to sleep.
I lie down, not properly managing to lie still or buzz out relaxed. I get up again, walk to the fridge...
Open it and slam the door shut. Walk away...
I find the poorest and most chilled looking parts of clothing I can find in my closet, put them on.
I leave the house swiftly.
My conscious mind clearly forcing me to leave anything of value at home.
I only take the house keys with me...
Feeling adventurous, I hide them in the moor of my left foot shoe. The right foot shoe, to be honest with you......
It's dark... It's near midnight. The rain is slowly beginning to
cease.
I jog and jog...
Exhausted, I enter a nearby, closed park.
I hop over the gate, landing on wet, so lively grass.
Yet feeling so comfortable, finally up to something.
I imagine all the
horror stories I possibly
can imagine, grinning as I walk over to a bench somewhere a bit deeper in the park.
I hear the drops of water rushing, rattling the leaves of the trees surrounding me.
I can vaguely hear something reminding me of ambient... or even goa in the background. Coming from somewhere far, far away. Foggy.
Perhaps from beyond the lake...
I grin at myself, for hearing such sounds on a cold, rainy middle-of-the-week evening makes me feel like a loonie...
I dare myself to ignore the phenomenon.
I head away from the sound, carefully and slowly stepping down a shadowy hill near the lake.
I reach down, wanting to touch and massage the surface of the water.
It's cold, dark, yet pure... Deep.
I reach deeper and deeper into the water, until my elbows almost touch the surface. I stand back up, slowly, wanting to reach and touch my own face with my own bare hands, skin against skin.
With the refreshingly cold, almost holy, water-blessed... Wet fingers and hands...
I begin to grin... Completely illogical associations of thought stash me away from the current moment.
I begin to think of the poem I wrote earlier during the day, trying to express my feelings and views...
the bipolar
truth.
Ask me to imagine,
and I'll see.
Ask me to feel,
and I'll think I feel.
Ask me, and I'll draw you the colours of a beautiful world.
Just don't make me paint any of the shades.
Ask me, and I'll sculpt you a sculpture of magnificient size.
Just don't make me sculpt either of its eyes.
Ask me, and I'll draw you the most practical of an outline.
Just don't expect me to lay but a brick.
Ask me, and I'll be there for you.
Just, sometimes, don't try to make me feel.
Ask me, and I'll like you.
Just don't expect me to know whether you like me.
Ask me to witness the world with you.
Just don't expect me to see it same as you.
I paused for a brief moment, accidentally changing from the present to the past tense, and took one long, deepish breath.
Still longing to do something more.
Notes to self, during the evening you also did:
* Run in the graveyard at 01am ((Project: Read gravestone-writings))
* Walk 10 miles around the city ((Project: Avoid meeting people, meet them anyway)) * Lie in WET WET WET grass absolutely still ((Project: Attract rabbits and bunnies! Succesful! See them mate! Lots of much cutesy stuff!)) * Break into a nearby stadium after closing-time. ((Project: Run the 1 mile track and clock it (I ran properly quick, too.))) * Forget how to properly separate lines in HTML ((Project: E2)) * Visit yet another nearby lake ((Project: taste a MINIMUM amount of deep deep dark water)) * Avoid bats! * Break into a local SCARY industry zone! (I saw nightmares about it when I was little.) * Be hollowed by the local mob! * Call 911, more to follow because you saw them rob b***^#*&@# tada, also * Play in local theme park during night-time! * Project: See if you are better at playing now... + lots of other cool haxz0r things w00t, yes yes all during same day, me nuts. :)) ((***))
other things I tell you not, Because some of them are private
FOR TRULY THOU SHALL BE THE MASTER OF THY OWN CAPITALIZATION. (BUT in moderate amounts! and in case you want to learn something quickly thee=a more definite the (kinda, roflmao, WHAT), thy=genitive 2nd person, thou=you, basically.. i think a few linguists would much like to hang me now. YET i laugh at their general direction - BUT IN MODERATE AMOUNTS !!)
:I --> I cry, because I am sorry. :~(~~ Yet I like myself, perhaps only as long as x xxxx xxx xxxxx.
byeeeeeee....... :( :) :!!
CLOSING TIME.
\\|\/
o O
c
___
(me, after I got home, no, not punched black eye!! :))!
no laugh, no people.
no sweat, no running.
no cry, no loving.
no pain, no living.
it hurts.
sometimes.
*ZAP*
Otherwise, I'm dead. Does all the rationale in the world compensate
for one lost yet living soul. No. Experiencing things never to be
seen rational truly accounts for something inconceivable and brings
forth experiences of utterless joy - and happiness. If not, also
sadness and grief. Illness and pain. Hurt and madness, depression,
what not. Unfortunately. THAT is just life. I am afraid, no?
but it's Okay. You do not cry.
I go.
I love you all at the moment.
Mostly there is only one problem.
Not all the sane people in the world can account for it.
For I want to be with crazy people,
only then am I alive,
for then I
truly
feel
free.
I sleep the mandatory three hours. I close the window, and get back to work.