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I feel that I cannot write all I want to say in fear that my fello E2 friends may read this. This is my first writeup as a E2 member, so I hope it is up to everyone's standards.

Since the summer has started, my life has made drastic changes. I have gone from having a few friends I see every once in a while to having a great group to hang with and party with. Even though I am without a boyfriend, I feel I have everything I need to survive in this life. But selfishly, I have been upsetted by my best friend. She has this great boyfriend, which by the way, I had dated before her. Anyway, I sometimes feel second to her. She has no problem ditching me to spend time with her boyfriend, and he keeps her from spending time with me by telling her that I still make him nervous. Even around our friends I feel like second best. She is always the one getting the attention and the guys. I guess lately my jealousy is starting to sink in.

I am going to leave this entry with a thought:
Forget about all the emptiness in you life, and just go out there and enjoy it.

I get paid today, yeah! That's a wonderful thing because I don't have much money left. I bought some fireworks. I can't wait for the 4th of July; it's such a fun holiday. Yesterday I washed my car. He's all shiny now. I've been up all night snorting coke and baking. What a wonderful combination. I had some coke I needed to finish, so I figured tonight was as good as any. Around one o'clock I tried to find a gas station that was open so I could buy some ultra light menthols. I don't smoke, but I like the ritual that goes with smoking. I usually just hold the cigarette until it burns to the end.

I made a cake for my sister's birthday, today. She's at work, so I was free to do my illicit activites in the kitchen. I never realized a 1/4 gram of anything could last all night. I also baked some cinnamon rolls. I've been craving them for a while.

When I went to get cigarettes, the clerk at the gas station was this nice boy. It turns out he's one day older than me. I almost asked him out, but I didn't. I'm not that adventurous. I have about two lines left, and about two hours before I might actually be able to sleep.

Disclaimer: this is just a collection of personal revelations, admissions, conclusions, and other shit like that.

"I've got something to say!" Jerry Blank, Strangers with Candy

I admit that I am:
One really WEIRD little monkey
slightly schizophrenic
In love with my ideal mate
a wonderful person
A housepet posing as a predator
I'm a social middle child(I don't really belong, and I'm overlooked)
a secret agent for Cupid

I admit that I have:
a twisted sense of what is funny
an odd way of showing affection for my male friends
more close female friends than male friends
an overly needy cat
an Alter-ego
a very high code of ethics

I have noticed that, even with female friends that I had before I met my current girlfriend, I tend to become the "Gay Friend". I have transcended the dreaded "Friend Zone," and have moved into a social status where I'm so sexually non-threatening, that It is a non-issue. to quote one friend, I "might as well not have a dick"

I am now what women will bitch about wanting to find, date, marry, and bear children with when they're thirty. There are two inherent problems with this gift. One, older women just see me as just as kid, with no defined future. Women my age have been systematically snubbing me, and continually disproving my theory that you should be a girl's friend before you should try to date her, since I can remember. By the time women my age are ready to date men like me, we tend to end up being too bitter to be the maryring type. But by then we're angry enough to fuck a whole lot of girls like the ones that used to snub guys like me, and gain a sense of emotional closure.

The last two paragraphs tend to be less of an issue now that I'm seeing someone, but it is nonetheless a shot to my ego, and it still really sucks

I GET THROUGHLY ANNOYED WITH: damn near everything I end up encountering except my friends, you know who you are.

The gestational sac was empty

The baby quit developing at 5 weeks. I'm supposed to be 8 weeks pregnant, so I'm not carrying a live fetus inside me anymore. I was afraid of this. I hadn't felt pregnant, hadn't needed extra sleep, hadn't had cravings and morning sickness, hadn't felt the glow and the wonder. I tried not to accept what I knew in my heart was true, but the ultrasound yesterday confirmed my fears. I'm not having a baby anymore.

From the very start, this has been an entire family thing. (Well...maybe not the VERY start.(: ) My daughter helped me take the pregnancy test, and the two kids were in on all the discussions of how this would be. So they went to the midwife appointment with me yesterday, and they shared in the emotions of dealing with the news yesterday. We all felt a mixture of sadness, relief, and numbness. I'm sure more feelings will surface, especially when the actual miscarriage takes place and hormones start running rampant in me.

Now I wait. I know that within the next week or so I will experience 8 hours of severe cramping and pain. I know the remains of what was once a developing child will pass out of me, and it will hurt in many ways. I know that the actual passing will mark the end of something in my life.

Waiting is so hard.

Well, Long Island. I'm here finially, in the apartment, cable modem a'blazin. Turned 27 yesterday...I was supposed to be in Baltimore, with my evil twin and the other, whom I've never even met. But I guess my presence wasn't wanted. The funny thing is that I really have no idea what I did to deserve this. I think it'd bother me more if I wasn't so preoccupied with being back in the Northeast. Long Island is weird, so expensive yet isolated, with lots to do. I just keep walking in circles. I find myself looking at the past 6 months, looking to see how much of my flesh was eaten (in a metaphorical sense) and I find myself empty and hungry for the other path. But I ramble. I'd say I miss Florida, but I don't. I miss the few people down there I didn't have to question myself about, that cared for me. And meant it. Ah shit, it'd good to be back online.

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