Two days ago I get a call from my ex. My mother outlaw, aka ex-mother in law Pat or P-Ann, died this morning.
I am sad and glad, because she has been wandering further and further into memory loss, to the point where the last time I saw her, she could barely talk. And I think she had gone back enough in time that she didn't really know who I was. The deer in the headlights look of memory loss... I was sad and it was Christmas, so I did what I could. I sang to her. I started a Christmas carol. Deck the Halls. She looked blank, but song memory is very deeply embedded. It clicked into place and she sang, hoarsely, for part of a verse. We sang a verse of 4-5 other carols, my son, future daughter in law and daughter joining in.
Right now, while I write this, my brother outlaw and sister outlaw are telling my nuclear physicist stepfather outlaw that his wife has died. My sister outlaw texts that my stepfather outlaw is processing her death. I think he is crying. Me too.
It is a release and so grief and some relief and joy are all mixed. My mother outlaw was 96, I think. My ex husband called to tell me. My son is near to her retirement complex and he told me last night that both of the elders are in hospice. I was sad and glad.
My stepfather outlaw has fallen a lot recently and his memory is leaving faster than hers did. He is in hospice as well.
Families are complicated. I am so grateful that my ex called me. My daughter is still asleep after working really hard on online grad school courses all week, so I have not added her to the texting group yet. My ex's older brother is notifying his children as well. So I will be traveling to the DC area sometime in the next six months for a memorial... unless my stepfather in law decides to go to 96. Who knows....
Then yesterday I talked to my stepfather outlaw's son a little on Facebutt. He is in Atlanta, says that his father is annoyed about being moved to a nursing home. That would explain why my sister outlaw and brother outlaw were figuring out what to do with stuff two days ago, P-Ann's stuff. And my son just bought a house conveniently in Maryland in the same town as my mother outlaw, so he and my future daughter in law are taking some of the furniture.
The wheel turns around. I say to my son he is running out of grandparents and he says, "No, I still have grandmother C (my stepmother outlaw who lived with my father outlaw when he ran away from my mother outlaw) and grandmother J and grandmother P and grandfather J." The latter three are my paternal aunts and one remaining spouse, who all live in the same state as son and future daughter in law.
I feel closer to my ex's family than to my maternal family. Hooray for family, whichever version we have built.