June 5, 2004

(sent writeup message "Crazy? There's this thing. Don't shit where you eat. You might have heard of it. It's what truly civilized people do. The intelligent, aware, informed, wise, and kindly thing to do is to question the true needs of our consumption and "make do" and thrive with less because we can, and we must. Because we don't live like the bears in the woods. We live like people, and have a lot more impact, and are capable of understanding how and why, therefore, why should we not be stewards?.")

Well, four more days until I leave my corner of the world, off to Manchester, Tennessee. I am heading out with my brother and his friends to Bonnaroo 2004. It will be my first time attending the annual festival, and I can't wait. They go every year, and this year I'm tagging along. It's a photoghapher's heaven! 80,000 people collecting has to make for some interesting pictures! Lots of pot, among o t h e r s, I'm sure. And the bands! Half of them I don't even know, but I'm ready!

Alas, there are more pressing matters at hand for this day.

One of my friends from a few years back is getting married today. The girl he's marrying is a succubus! The devil's own! She has put cigarettes out on his face, broken his turntables (which he really loved) only to laugh about it when it gets brought up, and her history is more of the same.

Today is the day of doom. I'm thinking about protesting, but I'm sure it would be to no avail. He's set in his stupid ass ways.. or should I say her stupid ass ways. I'm not sure what is making him do this, be it his insecurities in himself, or if she just beat him into submission like a trained elephant or something, but he's truely making a bad move. I'm not gonna miss this event. I have to bear witness to the beginning of the end! The reception will be rather interesting, for sure. Lots of liquor and people. I'm ready for the gathering. It'll be fun to see everyone together again.

If you are reading this and you pray, please pray for Jeff to see the error in his ways, before it's too late.

---

June 6th, 1:20am

OK, I take it all back. Who am I to tell someone else what's best for their life. I'm just a grouchy old man at the ripe old age of 24, and I don't have the right to even suggest anything of the sort! I wish Jeff and Lindsay the happiest of lives and I apologize for any negativity that came from me. I am sitting here wallowing in myself while people are out there living their lives, yet I try to tell them what's best for them? What a silly person I have become.

I'm sorry. I truely need a lesson in love. Maybe you should pray for me.

I drove out into the mountains for the first time since I came out to Colorado Springs. My thoughts were troubling me and I figured a long drive would get me back on track. Forty miles out and 7000 feet, that's 2133 meters for the rest of the world, above sea level I find a stretch of dirt where I can park and look at the stars.

Being a city slicker the night sky that I'm used to is made up of the brightest stars and planets which struggle against the surrounding light pollution. There have been times where I've seen hints of the firmament in southern New Jersey and a cold but rushed stop on a drive back from Monument.

You couldn't swing a dead cat without smacking some obscure magnitude ten star or disturbing the Milky Way. This particular moment was burned in my mind next to the sunrise on the mountains, the thunderstorms and the way the cloudtops are luminous fading to a deep blue in the presence of a full moon.

I sighed to myself. How can some place so beautiful be so lonely?

Another Uberman's Sleep Schedule Blog. (cont.)

Back

3:36 AM Saturday June 5, 2004 - Just woke up from my 3:00 Nap. I've fallen into naps at 3, 7 and 11. It's just how it worked out, but I figure I can change it if neccessary. I'm pretty tired right now. This last nap was the first nap I slept, and I still barely slept at all. I'm just hoping I can make it through until 7. I'm not THAT tired, but I have a feeling I will be. I plan on doing some situps or jumping jacks to keep awake, but unfortunately, I can't go outsideto wake up due to the rain, and I can't run around the house, as everyone else is asleep. I'm also bored and while there's plenty to do (read, work, play) I don't feel like concentrating for that long.

Next

I was reading some messages on the Yahoo! message boards and came across this statement:

"Face it, the rest of the world hates us because of our economic success and our military might as much as it hates us for our support of Israel or our stationing of troops in the Middle East. "

The sad thing is that many agree with him.

To blithely dismiss the invasion of Iraq as "stationing our troops" is incredibly callous and stupid. What are we doing there? Why have close to 100,000 people died, including Americans? We have cluster-bombed Iraqi neighborhoods, we have killed innocents, and we have destabilized the entire region. Sure Saddam was the devil. But what about fundamentalist regimes like Saudi Arabia or all of those other "good" dictatorships we support? Don’t they deserve to be deposed too? We are using massive numbers of depleted-uranium (what an oxymoron) rounds that are not only poisoning Iraq, they are poisoning our troops as well. “The rest of the world” sees the mayhem and terror that exists there, they don’t have news media that block the truth. You should watch the BBC News (don’t forget that the Brits are still one of our few true allies) and see how they present the war to their people. We are kept so isolated from reality most Americans think there is peace in Afghanistan.

We are torturing people in a "Gulag Archipelago” of secret prisons around the world, spitting on basic human rights. We established a court system to prevent the very thing that is happening now! Every person has the right to face their accusers, the right to counsel, and the right to be treated like a human being. We gasp at what happened in Iraq when we all know far, far worse things happen in a Supermax prison here in the good old US of A. The rest of the civilized world sees that too, don’t forget. They see us treat human beings like garbage and warehouse them like animals, and compare that to the justice system in their own country. You may not care what an Afghan thinks about the war, but the Germans, Russians, Japanese, and others who actually have justice systems of their own are also seeing the same evidence and weighing it for themselves.

“They” hate us because we are hypocrites. Our founders set this country up as a democracy with specific checks and balances, establishing the basic rights of citizens. We are supposed to be the good guys. We have to respect the constitution, or why are we trying to export it? We refuse to follow basic international treaties like the Geneva Convention, yet expect “the rest of the world” to jump when we snap our fingers. We ignored the UN and turned our backs on our allies, and wonder why they are upset?

They see that Bin Laden was once on our side, and they didn’t conveniently forget that we supported Saddam’s Iraq with massive military aid when it suited us. You never saw the picture of Rumsfeld and Saddam warmly shaking hands? The “rest of the world” did.

Frankly, I believe the only way to fix this is to vote Bush out by a landslide, and have Kerry show up at the doorsteps of our erstwhile allies and shrug his shoulders while saying “Our bad, Bush was a mistake. Let’s be friends again.”

The Lolita Complex goes both ways.

While Humberts are in a position to exploit the age difference for the rest of their lives ("That's the thing about high school girls...I keep getting older, but they stay the same age..."), we Lolitas must act quickly before we seep uncomfortably into womanhood. Nabokov refers to the "echoes" of nymphetry being visible in grown women, and it is to this that many of us cling tenaciously, myself included. At some point, plaid skirts and kneesocks will make me ridiculous as opposed to adorable. I fear that point will be soon, or that it has passed and I didn't notice.

There is benefit to being an Echo. True Humberts will be sharp enough to detect even the faintest trace of nymphet, long as she is kept alive and petulent somewhere under the dimpled thighs and diverging hips. Wise Humberts do not put themselves in moral and legal danger by taking advantage of the sensual precociousness afforded by true nymphets. In plain terms, no matter how much that thirteen year old wants to fuck a given Humbert (an believe me...some of them really, really do), it is best to deny them catagorically. Forgive them, for they know not what they do.

But as an Echo, at any age past fourteen (the official boundary for pure nymphetry that becomes diluted as time progesses), we become more and more acceptable partners as our personal numbers swell (18...20...34-24-34...). A nymphet's Echo in a twenty-year-old is completely legal, moral, and will not be taken advantage of. We know what we're doing. And even better, we know how to do it.

I used to mourn the loss of my years. I thought I was leaving my childhood behind. I realize now that I can take it with me. I can pick my Humberts so much better. And they may dally with me with no fear of legal repercussion. The inherent danger in being a teen girl has been conquered. Huzzah!

Not to say that I'm slutting around with every good-looking older man I can get my hands on. Quite the opposite. I'm totally monogamous with my (slightly younger) boyfriend. But it's the principle of the thing.

Lost

i remember the days when you were happy, i could see it in you eyes

we ran and played like little kids, like stupid fireflies.

beaten up and scared by life, abused and used like your father's battered wife

i didn't think it'd go that way, i didn't know you'd use that knife.

i write these dark things to get forgiveness maybe

but nothing i get, only your hate for me.

why she was taken from us i can't say, i'll never comfort or fill that hole,

i thought i'd try and take that pain, but then i lost your soul.

their backs are turned once again, a slip from grace my friend

the dagger that had pierced my heart has come back once again.

these steps you've taken havn't solved a thing, an unwise move to breach your trust

if only i knew the pain i'd bring.

but back to where i've started here, a trip to memories lost

a simple kid with larger dreams, a friendship that has cost.