I don't know why I am writing this letter exactly, and I don't know if you will recieve this letter... exactly. Infact, I have not truely written anyone in ages; I can't sleep. My mind dwels off into a valley of thoughts. Yes it is earily to sleep. Yes I am tired. Why I think what I think doesen't make sense all the time; why I can't stop thinking of you. And I think I can understand that. But I don't understand myself all the time. And yes all the time I exactly have known why I am writing this letter.

Everybody has moments in there lives...
I wish I could tell you how much I cherish spending time with you,
How those are the moments in my life.
How I could tell you...

Happy Birthday,

Happy Birthday, Katyana!

Our very own D-Day.

It's a surprising thing, loving someone
Difficult to foresee just how much we change
and how much I can dislike myself for staying the same
We're just at our beginnings, migrating from our safe summers
Filling our time with distractions
Deciding to plant, but not to harvest
feeling like ripples across a lake
wishing for our saviours
humbled by our future

I love you, Katyana...

What a day. After coming in early and working my butt off, my boss has the gall to give me a hard time for asking his boss a technical question.

I usually respond by giving in to my boss in the form of sucking up to him. I've had enough of his crap, however, so I was calm and quiet while I told him "I go where the information is.".

He accused me of "going over his head" and said it wasn't that big of a deal. I took it as a big deal however, and wrote his boss a little note. I'm not cutting my boss any more slack.

Ginger was was one of a pair. You see she had an identical twin sister. They were a pair of tall, pretty girls with shiny brown hair. The sister weighed a bit less than Ginger, (and always had). So Ginger was used to not being the center of attention. This in a way affected everything she did. (Although I don't think Ginger herself ever realized it).

I met the pair at a party. Things happened that are no longer detailed in this node.

The next night she showed up at the Dennys that my friends and I hung out in at that time. She came and sat with me. The problem was that Jen, (a girl I had been dating non-exclusively) was sitting right next to me. Things got no better when Ginger's boyfriend, (she hadn't bothered to mention him before), showed up also. By the time everybody finished hurting each others feelings Ginger had dumped her boyfriend and I had dumped Jen. Jen was very, very pretty, (much more than Ginger), and very self confident, but frankly girls like that always scared me anyway.

More things happened that are no longer detailed in this node.

After a while we saw less and less of each other. We never did actually break up. The one thing that sticks out in my mind about Ginger is that when I told her I loved her she replied with "I Know", unknowingly quoting Carrie Fishers line in Star Wars.

I was strolling through the Old Market in lovely downtown Omaha. Tired of looking for a job and dressing somewhat normally for the past couple weeks, I was decked out in my red leopard print phatty pants, a t-shirt that says "I did it," and various pieces of candy. As I expected I was getting strange looks. People looked confused when they saw my pants, as though they couldn't quite comprehend the purpose of such an article of clothing. It was after dozens of these glances that I was struck with a horrible realization. Just as I crossed the street I thought, "They would never understand why I wear these pants, why I dress the way I do. They would always look at me and judge me based on my appearance, the same way I do with them." It's not just clothing, it's everything I love, they'll never try to understand it. They won't look at it the way I do. They won't understand why it's so wonderful to me. It made me terribly sad to think how narrow-minded and ignorant many people are.

One of the best things in life is to try and understand why someone else loves something so much.

Sometimes I sit at happy hours all by myself and write. Over the years I've been culling my notebooks for the most awful possible opening lines for fiction pieces. I do a great deal of questioning, and kind of why am I here? writing, so just by putting these down in a list, it's possible to get a sense of what's going on.

A big problem with this self-criticism is: it doesn't help at all in answering the following two questions...

  1. Can I write fiction?
  2. Can I write something that is not merely a complaint?

  3. Here they are. The worst opening lines from bad journal-based fiction:

    "When I was seventeen, I left home for good..."
    "Never think you can get away with lying to yourself..."
    Let me tell you son, I've seen a lot of life."
    "As soon as I realized how I'd wasted the last ten years of my life..."
    "Nothing is easy. Especially for me..."
    "It must have been the sixth -- or seventh -- margarita..."
    "She was the girl who was always wanting to eat the cherry from my whiskey sours."
    "Even though there was an eleven year difference in our ages..."
    "I believed her completely that there's nothing worse in her eyes than being needy."
    "If you're going to make something up on the spur of the moment, it had better be right on the money ."
    "She said she hated her crappy retail job, and aspired to be a stop-motion animator."
    "A month before she moved with him to Portland, she assured me she wasn't sure they had a future together."
    "If only I'd met her younger sister first..."
    "I'd fooled myself into thinking she couldn't really be all that dumb..."
    "It was supposed to be casual... She says to this day she always held my best interests above her needs."
    "This just seems like the break-up talk again."
    "Could I call you sometime?
    Are you sure??"
    "I bought you this pen..."
    "It's Better to Regret Something You HAVE Done..., than to regret something you haven't done."
    "What was I trying to hide from...???"
    "... and then I married her."


Lunch: broiler beefs. Triangle sandwich.

Bored as hell, but I guess the day will get more exciting...

Tip: Don't try to make sense of Linuga::Romana::Perligata in the middle of the night, if you want to wake up early the next day! =)


A worrying thought: The DVDs I ordered yesterday were "Region 0, NTSC". Region 0 should be fine, but what about the NTSC thing? I'm surprised if my DVD player won't play it somehow, though - either a) the data can be played, because the MPEG data is not tied to specific analog TV norm and the player can change as necessary or b) a century of technological progress, and we still have a signal incompatibility...

(Well, there was a chapter of playing NTSC stuff on the player manual, so maybe I'm not Doomed.)


A new issue of Pelit came (A lot of stuff about BattleTech and all 'Mech games! Very interesting!!) and I got two new DVDs (Pokémon 2 - this has cuuuuuute Vulpixes! - and Life of Brian...)

Too bad the Life of Brian has very few extras and the extras found on the Pokémon movie are not too generous either... Also, Pokémon: The First Movie was rated (by local film classification board) S (for all ages), but Pokémon 2 is rated to be fit for ages 7 and up! With this pace, Pokémon 5 will be for ages 18 and up... =)

(Personally, I think the second movie is a lot better than the first one, but I wouldn't rank either as good movies. Anyway, among the best movies based on computer/video games, though...)


So, I did some more CD covers for my burned CDs (even when my printer is messing up the ink again). one for Final Fantasy V: Dear Friends The L33ch Edition and one for my TiMidity-powered Ultima soundtrack album.

The latter album was fun to make earlier, but the problem was that even when I could easily find 30 great tracks for the album (with 3 different arrangements of Stones *g*) the total length was only 45 minutes or so!

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: salami technique

Updated: Vulpix BattleMech

You're so beautiful that I can't speak. I can't say to you the things I want to say because, at this stage of the game, it'd sound too strange and you'd think I'm a freak and so I shut up and make friends, like a good boy. All the while, my best friend is saying the things I wish he wouldn't say and you're listening and you're liking it and I'm beginning to hate him and you and, especially, me.

My attraction is clear and obvious. I mean, really, how many people do you ask out to the museum? How many people listen to your problems when they barely know you, not because they feel trapped into listening, but because they care? I'll tell you: as many people that are attracted to you, that's how many. Attraction can take many different forms and have many different outcomes, but friendships and relationships (not necessarily romantic ones, either) are all borne out of an attraction to another person.

I'm attracted to you and you know it and so does my best friend. And you have no reservation about admitting that I'm the kind of guy you're looking for and my best friend is the kind of guy who needs to spend some time in a mental institution, but that doesn't matter- you're attracted to him anyway, knowing that he's everything that's wrong for you. Twice your age and three times as angst. You sputter out how impossibly collected and together I am and how much you want that for yourself, but you ignore me and go for insanity in tennis shoes.

And, still, you're so beautiful, even though you're making the biggest mistake you possibly could at this time in your life, that I won't say a word. Perhaps that's my own, silent revenge for being so carelessly ignored by beauty. I see the train wreck that you're about to become and you've brought it upon yourself. What's worse is that you're so beautifully intelligent that you see the wreck coming, too, and still you charge forward, as if proudly screaming, "I like it when things go kablooie!"

Will I offer aid and assistance, when it's all said and done, while he's running through your life like a raging bull? No. No, I'm just going to sit back and say, "What? Now you pay attention to me? No. You wanted him, you deal with him. You had your chance to pick my brain. Good luck and watch your heart."

He's going to hurt himself more than he'll ever hurt you, but don't worry. You'll end up hurting yourself just as much because life isn't living unless you've got pain, right? Feel the burn, baby. Feel the burn.

Ducks like bread.
Seriously, though, dudes, I needed that. I was gritting my teeth and making with the grimacing face for about 15 minutes because somebody downvoted my Rory Rides Me Raw node. Then I read TallRoo's link and link entry, and it was good. Like bread.

I came here to node The Way of the Vaselines, and eat bread, and I'm all out of bread.

Sex Sux (Amen) from some schmuck's web page:
I was born up an original sin,
Brought my two time in her slim virgin,
Father, Son and the Holy Ghost,
I'm the Sacred host, with the most.
They said I'd be the one,
Borrow the life of the chosen son,
Doing the cross was not for me,
It's human life of chastity.

It is like 80 degrees out, it's the middle of the night, I can't sleep... this living in the southwest thing isn't working out.

Bread can be found in every major civilization.

Toast is more enjoyable than bread, when prepared carefully.
Today's news headlines from around the world:

International Hearld Tribune (www.iht.com)

  • Saudis Vow to Make Up Oil Shortfall by Baghdad
    The Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries decided Tuesday to freeze current levels of oil production and postpone until next month any emergency action to compensate for a shortfall in the world market left by Iraq's decision to halt oil exports.
  • Confidence in President Is Waning in America
    Public support for President George W. Bush has fallen in recent weeks, led by eroding confidence in his energy and environmental policies as well as growing concern over the direction that Mr. Bush and the Republican Party are leading the country, according to a Washington Post-ABC News poll.
  • Bush Administration's Tough Talk on IMF: So Far, Words Only
    Profligate governments had better beware, and the same goes for reckless international lenders and investors. In the two major financial crises the Bush administration has faced so far, in Turkey and in Argentina, the administration has shown little stomach for letting countries go broke or investors suffer drastic consequences for bets gone wrong.
  • The Designated Loser Slogs On in U.K. Race
    For a designated loser, William Hague, whatever his dowdy, dashless aura, has proved himself a sensible man, reasonable when shrillness might have made more electoral sense, direct in his analysis of the realities of a candidacy marked for failure.
  • U.S. Miscalculated on Tiananmen and Policy Toward Beijing, Envoy Reported
    Just one month after the Tiananmen Square massacre in June 1989, the U.S. ambassador to China told the secretary of state that he believed that the administration of the first President Bush had badly miscalculated its policy toward Beijing, newly declassified government documents show.

BBC (news.bbc.co.uk)

  • Final blitz for party leaders
    The three main party leaders are embarking on a hectic last day of campaigning across the UK.
  • CIA chief to broker Mid-East talks
    CIA director George Tenet heads to the Middle East as part of US attempts to broker peace between Israel and the Palestinians.
  • Napster signs deal with music industry
    Online song-swapping service Napster clinches a deal with three major record labels to distribute music over the internet.
  • Police say Leeds riot 'planned'
    Police say a night of disturbances in Leeds, believed linked to the arrest of an Asian man, was premeditated.
  • Barrymore held in pool death probe
    Detectives arrest comedian Michael Barrymore and two other men following the death of a man at the comedian's home in Essex.

New York Times (www.nytimes.com)

  • As Senate Shifts, President Voices Optimism on Issues
    President Bush reached out to Democrats and moderates in his party and, in an interview, expressed optimism about the future of his agenda.
  • Energy Crisis in Brazil Brings Dimmer Lights and Altered Lives
    Faced with a rapidly worsening energy crisis that threatens to cripple Latin America's largest economy, Brazil began six months of obligatory electricity rationing.
  • C.I.A. Director Is Going to Israel in Effort to Maintain Calm
    Reversing a policy set when he took office, President Bush is sending George Tenet to meet with leaders of Israeli and Palestinian security forces.
  • Bush Moves Against Steel Imports; Trade Tensions Are Likely to Rise
    President Bush took the first steps toward imposing broad restrictions on imported steel, handing a victory to American steel companies and unions

Panapress (African) (www.panapress.com)

  • Commission amnesties killers of human rights activist
    South Africa's Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) has granted amnesty to former senior apartheid security police officer Willem Schoon for his role in the 1981 murder of Durban human rights lawyer Griffiths Mxenge.
  • Crime on the rise in Yaounde
    At least nine armed raids or suspicious deaths were recorded in the Cameroonian capital, Yaounde, in the latter half of May, official sources conceded.
  • South African opposition leader pays tribute to ANC
    Tony Leon, leader of South Africa's official opposition Democratic Alliance (DA) Tuesday night paid tribute to the ruling African National Congress, acknowledging it has reduced the budget deficit, brought inflation under control and kept a rein on public spending.
  • South Africans cry out against fuel hike
    South Africans have angrily reacted to a 14-cent hike in the price of a litre of petrol, effective Wednesday.

China Daily (www.chinadaily.com.cn)

  • Police arrest 3 staff after deadly kindergarten fire
    Police detained three staff members at a kindergarten in Jiangxi Province after 13 toddlers died in a fire, amid allegations carers were staying away instead of watching the children.
  • Trade Minister: China should enter WTO as developing country
    Chinese foreign trade minister Shi Guangsheng said Tuesday that the stand of the Chinese government on its accession to the World Trade Organization (WTO) is "consistent and active."
  • British riot police battle with Asian youths
    Large gangs of Asian youths fought running battles with riot police in a suburb of the northern English city of Leeds on Wednesday, hurling petrol bombs and setting cars and a shop ablaze. The violence flared in the mostly Asian and run-down suburb of Harehills on Tuesday night amid reports that police had used excessive force on a local Asian man arrested recently for a minor traffic offence, witnesses said.
  • US Democrats take control of Senate
    Democrats claimed control of the once-evenly divided Senate on Monday, as leaders in both parties promised bipartisanship. But the historic shift sets the stage for a showdown over President Bush's legislative agenda.

The Moscow Times (www.themoscowtimes.com)

  • '02 Draft Budget Sent to Cabinet
    Unlike this year, the Russian government intends to fully service its maturing debts in 2002.
  • Primakov Pens Tell-All Memoirs
    Former Prime Minister Yevgeny Primakov's new book provides some insights into his politcal career.
  • Russian Berries to Quench EU Thirst
    Chudo-Yagoda is the first Russian product to be given the green light by the British Retailer Consortium.

Happy Birthday to Roninspoon and katyana

I am so bummed out, people. I have to have a hysterectomy at some point soon. I really don't think I should put it off for too long. I have this massive growth inside of me that is pushing my organs aside and squishing them. So it's not good. And there is a remote chance it's cancerous.

So I'm scared, I'm sad, and I'm disappointed. There is so much I want to do this summer - make new friends, finish my car and join in the AVRAM and Artscape festivities in early July. I want to go camping at Assateague Island, I've already got reservations for Labor Day weekend. I want to be outside as much as possible.

I want to finish my kitchen floor, scraping and sanding, and doing SOMETHING to it. Like maybe varnish and paint it with spirals and a cool pattern, I don't know. Art is exploding in my brain, my fingers burn to let it out. I don't care anymore what people think of it - half of it anyway, and I want to explore the private side too.

I went to yoga last night and couldn't do some of the poses cause the teacher said, "Don't do this next one if you're pregnant". And my uterus is the size of a woman who is in her second trimester of pregnancy. The tumor is 9 centimeters, the uterus is 15. I don't really know what that means, that's just what the doctor said. Anyway, it's supposed to be positioned below my pubic bone, half the size of my fist, and it's 2 inches short of my belly button, and huge. .

I'm trying not to freak out but I am!!! I don't feel the need for a second opinion any longer. It's smushing my bladder so I have to constantly go to the bathroom, and smashing into the tubes that run from my kidneys to my bladder so I have some condition called water on the kidneys. Nothing to really worry about, it's just like being pregnant! Great.

Another day another dollar. Sitting at work, working on coding up some extended features to Request Tracker from fsck.com. Things are pretty good today. Went to therapy yesterday, where the therapist dude asked me if smoking marijuana helped with my depression when I was feeling depressed. I couldn't come up with an answer or maybe I did...

The marijuana probably didn't help, but I was in dire straits anyway. I had no job, no place to live, and no prospects. Now that those three things are resolved, I feel a lot more positive. But when they weren't I kinda wondered how I would get out with all of these external factors holding me back. Being out of work is tough.

Okay, so I still feel completely overwhelmed by Everything and am nearly paralysed by derisiophobia, but since I haven't been able to figure out how to delete this account... well, sometimes you just have to say poot on it.

Today is the first day in the wake of my first biopsy. Hypothyroidism, the doctor says, but probably not cancer.

It's done with needles, you know. "This may be a bit uncomfortable," said the doctor, a PhD in medicine, but a Master of understatement.

I had an exam today. I got up in good time and took a shower, but then my brother arrived home. He says "Aren't you a little late?" No-no, I've got like 20 minutes. He says "The downstairs watch says the train leaves in 2 minutes" What?! I realize my watch is set wrong.

I have never packed my bag so fast before. In one minute, I got my shit and literally flew out the door, in front of an eighteen wheeler. Holy cat! I reach the station just to see the goddamn train pull away.

I almost threw up from exhaustion. I never run usually, and this was like half a mile. I know, that ain't much, but damn!

Call the school & tell them I will be late, I'll be there fast as I can. After consuming a gallon of water, I hear my mother pull up the driveway. Thank God!

I got a ride & made it to the exam (I got an 8 - the system goes like this: 00 (lowest) - 03 - 5 - 6 (passed) - 7 - 8 (average) - 9 - 10 - 11 - 13 (A+)...). That was ok. Especially considering it was a triple-course exam (that is, three courses in half an hour), and I'd only attended one of the courses.

delicate threads brushing up against me


They are here. The tickets that have the kids all giddy with anticipation. The tickets that I don't want to look at. They are going home. I have 15 more days with them, then the summer stretches before me like an endless night. I must enjoy them while I can, store up every precious moment, because they will be necessary for future use. I must soak them in now so I can relive them each day while they are gone. The mornings when they climb into bed with us to talk about nothing and everything. The singing for no apparent reason at any given moment. The colored chalk etchings on the patio. The giggles as one jumps into the pool cannon balling the others. The snuggling, the huggling, and the "I love you's" that spontaneously appear. The sweet smell of childhood hair that still lingers with them. All of that. They plan their summer with vigor, scheme ways to reconnect with friends while visiting family. I am happy for them, at the same time I am sad. Summer without kids is not summer.


A Tuesday like no other. I expected the same old yawn boring Tuesday working at the mall. I got....

  • monkeys jumping on the bed
  • the sight of four exceptionally good dancers grinning with joy on a stage in front of the carousel decked out in red/black being filmed for a music video
  • late to work because I couldn't drag myself from the energy of the video shoot nor from the pop music blasting through the courtyard
  • a mother with infant triplets
  • a father shopping with his 3 month old son because he had the day off and wanted to find matching outfits for the two of them.
  • to see more of the video shoot four hours later, but with a crowd of people dancing in front of the stage. that in itself was unexceptional, however, there are many fountains that sprout from the courtyard floor and during the shoot, one of the workers turned ON the fountains,,,, crowds of people hooting and peeling off wet clothes and dancing with wild abandon amongst streaming water....now THAT was a sight, one I felt the strong urge to join in on. Did not, but was glad to be there to feel the joy. (I wish I had my camera)
  • to meet a budding ballerina, star. I spent 1/2 hour helping her pick out extremely cool and fun clothes with sassy shoes to match. I got to feel her excitement about an audition tomorrow for a commercial she wants to do. Young people reaching for their passions. I love that stuff.
  • a hug from another girl for finding her just the right sneakers (ok, they call them tennies here, but I just haven't got that down yet. Tennies, to me, are the white canvas sneakers you wear to play TENNIS, not sneakers in general) There is no PDA allowed in the store, unprofessional. BAH, I say to that. I'm not turning down little girl hugs. There is nothing quite like the sudden expression of happiness that can not be held in. I would be a fool to turn it down.
  • to capture the moon full, round, and big coming up over the horizon on film. I hope the picture turns out.
  • to laugh with one who is becoming dear to me despite the digs at my dictionary

I want more Tuesdays like this, full of life. I will get them if I watch out for them and grab them close


I spent the morning soaking in the Ohio gathering like a sponge. Trying to glean every piece to capture the feeling of the event. Climb up on the Moon? Of course we did. THERE is the feeling. Right there on that node. A taste of it is here Rain in 7 flavors, and yet another image Ask a fish what water is. Better yet, ask a wave. All perspectives, different angles, different layers, flavors, smells, feelings of one grand event. They made me cry, but the good kind of tears. I thirstly mop up every drop I find to capture the feeling, the essence of the gathering. This place is about community. There are days that I am content to just sit here on the edge and watch it all go on, connecting here and there like the links between writeups. Threads of life all connected, sometimes running side by side gently brushing up against each other like fine webs glistening with dew on a summer morning. Someday, my thread will run right through the middle of it all. For now, I breathe in the thoughts of all of you and smile.

It feels good.

Another day in Limbo. Been a few since I could get online. So I live on the couch at the house I once called home, counting the hours away until I leave. It's been an odd few days. I had my last poetry reading at Insomnia. I don't know what I was expecting, but it happened anyways. I got up and read, and halfway through the first poem, the whole place went quiet (rare at this particular place) As I ended, I was given a grand round of applause, and I got to say a few words about my time here and all that. In a way, it was a good ending to two years of writing and performing, but it was bittersweet. Because of the fact that none of the people I wanted there, were there. So besides my own minor gratification, it meant little. So be it.
Nothing much has panned with the Scienta girl; we never ended up going to that auditing session. Would have been cool, but c'est la vais, right?
At a party Sunday night, I ran into the Dark Jester, Megan's boyfriend. He was privy to the situation with Megan and I before they hooked up, and once I disapeared after the shitstorm with Windigo and Marcus, he and Megan hooked up. Needless to say, things were a little tense. With a gallon of cheap merlot coursing through me, I dragged him outside, man to man.
"Sam. Dude. Just wanted to say something."
He looks at me nervously.
"All I want to say is, that seeing you and Megan the
other night..shit man, it was just good to see her
happy. I just want you to know I'm happy for both of
An awkward moment of silence, then Sam gives me a sideways hug. And so how it is between men, at it's best.
Last night, Megan come up to me and gives me a slow, sexy hug, sighing in my ear "I want to see you before you leave."
I pull back and look at her.
"You know when I'm leaving."
"I know, I feel bad about not seeing you more..how about Friday?"
So we make plans for Friday. The fire is still there, a tangable, living thing that twists between our eyes. Yet it stays untouched, holy, and wild. We enjoy it and don't go there. But I wonder, is this to be the two year cock and heart tease realized? I won't go there, but what if she? And these are the reasons I just want to leave. So, digo, are you coming? At least breathing hard?
Live fast, die young, leave a good looking corpse. Preferably not your own. But then again, I have never drawn my pension, I wonder how it feels. Is that the moment you finally realize "I am old...."? I don't feel that yet, but when I look at kids, I do think "That was me not too long ago" I can feel my mind get older, I can sort of feel myself move on. I am not really afraid of the future as much as wondering what I am in the present. Today was a day of wasted opportunities, and I don't want there to me more like it. I saw a couple having lunch in the cafeteria, and the girl was someone I used to love, which struck a chord with me.

I was sitting chatting to a nice guy, a chinese friend of mine, who is thinking about coming to work in my company, but I am discouraging him. The company is small, and the work is much harder and less well paid than his at the moment. It is good to speak with him, time passes so quickly and we drift apart so easily.

Anyway, I must go. I have more new years resolutions to break. :-)

The haze I find myself in today is no different than any other. Last night, my roomate brought home a truckload of folks from the local bar around 2:45AM. Everyone arrived speaking at bar volume which instantly woke me up. The only reason I didn't raise hell stood 5'3 and smelled wonderful. An old friend, Katy, came in with the drunken slackjaws. Knock on door. As she wandered over to my bed, she softly called my name. She drank a lot, I could tell from the three kisses that started at my shoulder and ended on my lips. "Night, night.....," Gone.

Usually, a gum drop kiss from a beautiful woman followed by, "night night" puts me out. No

The kiss ignited my brain. The insomnia switch now read on. The mental anguish starts slowly, but I know the pace will pick up. Sheep. Love. Fried Chicken. Hell No. When my thoughts start taking a physical form I worry. Like a quarter stuffed animal game at Denny's. I weak, stainless steel claw bypassed my skull and reached directly for my brain. Katy's Body. My Debt. The grey matter gave to the push of the cold, harsh thoughts that now cut through my mind like piano wire. The pain helps sometimes, but tonight it hurt. Single Again. Like a septum destroyed from a cocaine binge, I knew it would take time to heal. 3:35. 4:15. Work in 4.25 hours. Work. New Job. Austin Job Market. 4:55. I don't remember anything else. For the amount of anxiety a bedtime thinking binge puts me through, I deserve more knowledge and recollection.

Now I sit in a lab, not knowing if blood or oil runs through my veins anymore. As months have been going by, I feel as if my joints have tranformed into metal hinges. My mind runs on auto-pilot for 80% of the day. I could sleep with Xanex or Blue V's, but then I only get 10% of myself a day. At least the shit I feel destroys me somewhat defines me.

Getting shot is changing my life perhaps more than any other single event.

I am increasingly paranoid. I think that the legal system is out to get me. I worry every time I see cops or cop cars. I get scared every time I hear sirens. I am terrified of going back to court, even though I know it won't be a big deal. I'm even paranoid about my Everything account being subpoenaed, even though I'm using an alias and I doubt the court is aware of Everything's existence, or would go to the trouble if they were.

I can't watch police violence. I tried to watch Murder in the First with my roommate, and had to leave during the opening scene where a guard is beating a prisoner. I watched Gladiator a few nights later and was fine; I can watch people kill each other all day long provided neither of them are wearing police uniforms.

I've been thinking about what it means to sell out. I have found that in dealing with my co-arrestees that the vast majority of them are not very nice people and are willing to sell each other out in order to make a statement against the government and the courts. I wondered for a while what the difference was between this kind of action and making a deal with the prosecution, and what I came to was that a defendant could benefit from making a deal, where no one benefits from this kind of disruption, and that the people who think that disruption is the more intelligent action aren't the ones in danger, while the ones who think that making a deal is better are the ones with a better grasp of the implications of the situation. I'm not trying to say that disruption is always a dumb idea; when done well, it can be extremely effective. What I'm saying is that it's generally good to clear it with the defendants.

I've found that I don't want to have any association with the punk scene. I've been throwing out or giving away a lot of my punk gear, and replacing it with more respectable clothes. I'm not going to purge the Dead Kennedys from my music collection, but I'm not going to be going to any local punk events, either. I'm avoiding the cafe where the punks hang out even though I really like their food.

The other big thing is the injury. Every day I get up and I see my wounds, most of which are down to about the size of a quarter. One or two are completely closed, and most of the others are closing. I've got a few that are still bleeding periodically, and most of them itch or hurt when I'm tired. I'm used to how they feel, but it still surprises me every time I see them. I hate having the memory branded on my ass. I hate how ugly it makes me feel, and how victimized and objectified. I hate the idea of waking up every day with these marks on me, of having to explain them to everyone who sees me naked. I hate that the cop who shot me is just getting away with it, that there's an atmosphere of tolerance for this in the police force, that the most extreme violence I have ever experienced has come from a stranger who was just doing his job.

It's weird. I signed up here at E2 about a week ago, and, after reading Everything FAQ and Everything University, everyday I would try to come up with something to write about. However I'm so accustomed to writing for myself that I'm not quite sure how to write for other people. I suppose that in time I'll get used to it and be able to come up with better ideas than writing in the daily log about having nothing to write about. In any case, I felt badly for having no writeups as of yet, and although this is a poor substitute, I hope it will do for now. By the way, please forgive me if I have no softlinks, as I still don't fully understand how to do that. (I'm working on it! =)
Until next time...

I sit in the glow of the monitor, waiting for Kim to call. After our meeting (Cf. May 25, 2001), we've seen each other twice, once very briefly last week, and again Monday night, when we had dinner at my house.

We discussed going out to HR-57 to hear some jazz tonight, an event she seemed interested in. Today's her day off, and I called her this morning from work to firm up the plans. Voice mail. Again I called a couple more times as the afternoon waned. Voice mail.

I left a message for her on the way home from work, asking her to call me. I came home, worked out for a bit, and still no call back. The jazz starts at 8:30 pm, and it's nearly 8:00 now.

I'm beginning to fear that I've been stood up. Apparently her ex has been taking drastic measures to try to revive their relationship, despite her insistence that it's over. Perhaps he's been successful, and she's ignoring me at his behest. Perhaps I'm just being paranoid.

Given that Margaret is taking some space right now, and probably building up to breaking up with me, it would be very unfortunate if Kim were to also bail on me. This is not how things are supposed to work.

I suppose I'll putter around the house a bit, and wait for her to call. Man, how pathetic does that sound?


I awakened this morning unable to walk. I could barely see and my whole body ached. It took me 2 hours to get out of bed.

My whole body was in an imense pain. It was horrible. I went to the doctor but they were closed for the day so my father took me to the one downtown. Turns out I have some type of viral infection. The doctor gave me a shot of some type of "special" potent. It helped alot. all my pain went away by 4.

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