Jungle Cruise

A ride in the Disney theme parks, usually set in Adventureland. Guests climb aboard African Queen-type boats piloted by a guide, who navigates the craft through the "jungle" while delivering a pun-filled commentary on the scenery over his microphone. The boats sail past animatronic tableaux of animals, explorers, and natives. The Jungle Cruise pilots are rumored to have the wildest parties of any Disney park subculture.

So a few years ago, my wife and I and another couple were visiting Disneyland together and we got on board the Jungle Cruise ride. Looking around, we realized that every other passenger on the boat was a Japanese tourist. As we set out on the river the pilot realized this too, and asked if anyone in the boat spoke English. Our party was the only one with raised hands.

Since there was nothing to do but go on with the show and hope for the best, the pilot gamely went ahead with his standard spiel. When we reached the first large animatronic scene in the tour, he delivered his scripted speech as usual. Then, jokingly, he offered his microphone to the Japanese man sitting closest to him.

To the pilot's (and our) amazement, the man matter-of-factly took the microphone and began delivering a spiel of his own, gesturing at the scene passing by. Our group and the pilot stared at each other in astonishment. The other Japanese tourists simply listened, nodding slightly as if this were very compelling stuff. When he was finished, the man gave the microphone back. They repeated this odd performance at every stop.

"This has definitely been the strangest trip I've ever made," the pilot said as we pulled into dock. Ours too.

Heard on the Jungle Cruise:

On your left you'll see the second most ferocious animal on the African continent, a bull elephant. And as we round the corner, here's the only creature more ferocious... his mother-in-law.

You know to stop a charging rhinocerous, don't you? Take away his credit card.

We're now approaching Albert Schweitzer falls, named after the famous Doctor Albert... Falls.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll look to your left as we pass under the falls, you will see...the back of water.

Do you know what the difference between the crocodiles and alligators are? The crocodiles are made of plastic and the alligators are made with fiberglass.

Since we are in an area filled with rare tropical foliage, I'd like to take a moment to point out some of the plants to you. There's one, there's one...

By the look of those baboons up there, something's up on the great African veldt. Ah-ha! It looks like that pride of lions has made a kill, and the clean-up crew, those hungry vultures, are waiting for their share. This region points out the basic law of the jungle--"don't be a zebra."

More herd on the jungle cruise:

Awwww.... look at those nice tigers, they're watching that sleeping zebra.

That's Bob our brass monkey, he's a funky monkey.

And now, the most dangerous part of this ride, civilization!

That's Trader Joe, he's got a special today, one of your heads for two of his. Its one heck of a deal, any way you slice it, you'll come out a head.

That's our tropical boa, he can grow up to weigh 5000lbs. and jump 25 ft. That's our Bangle Tiger, he can weigh up to 5000lbs. and jump up to 25 ft. That's.....

Awww, guys, guys, quiet down and listen, you're supposed to be on the right not the left, now turn around, hang your heads in shame, and duck for the next suckers, oops, did I say suckers... I meant tourists.

Now parents, have you ever wondered what your kids did when your not home, well its some major monkey business, and dad they got the car to turn over.