Night after night, she would open her bottle of Strawberry Hill, drinking it until it was gone. She drank it quickly, wanting to be able to escape from this world. And while she was never able to fully escape, at least she was able to drown out some of her thoughts. The pain would lessen. Her mind would slow. Her muscles would relax.
She knew he would disapprove. But he was the one she was trying to rid her thoughts of. It sadden her to know that they could have had so much together. That everything could have been perfect, if she hadn't messed things up. If one of them had merely had the courage, but now he was under the impression that she had moved on and she still couldn't figure out how he felt about her.
It was a depressing life for her. Trying to force herself to move on, yet at the same time not wanting to move on at all. Trying to convince him that she wasn't waiting for him, yet wanting him to know that he was still the only one she wanted. She tried to forget him by having a string of lovers, but it only made things worse. With each kiss, she only thought of how she still didn't know what his lips felt like. With every touch, she thought of the times they had casually brushed against each other, not meaning anything by it. With every article of clothing that was removed, she felt like she was betraying him, even though he didn't know, even though she wasn't his. And every morning whisper of "You're beautiful," caused her to fill with painful regret that she hadn't waited for him, even though he never showed interest.
She thought about telling him the truth. Her friends, witnessing her pain and self-destructive behavior, urged her to tell him, to at least get some sort of answer from him. But she couldn't. She would rather stand at his wedding, pretending to be best friends with his bride, than have him ripped from her life, which is what she feared would happen if she brought it up again.
She scoffed at love and relationships. She claimed she never wanted to get married or have children. What she meant was, she couldn't love someone because she loved him; she couldn't keep a relationship because she only wanted him; she didn't want to get married unless it was to him; she didn't want to have children unless he was the father. And she knew all of those things were unlikely. Why would he want her? And if he did, why hadn't he said anything when she had told him how she felt over two years ago?
So, for now, she would have to continue her emotionally detached relationships and loving him from afar, ensuring that he wouldn't catch on.