Generally - and mercifully I should add - with juvenile pop acts, success stops when the balls drop. Ever hear anything of The Boys any more? No, thank Odin. Donny Osmond? Also negative. This is because those worthies went through puberty, their voices broke and went all wobbly and nasty (this was before Antares Autotune), and nobody cared any more.

However, this is not likely with Justin Bieber. For this terrible pop-boy is now 16 years old and has been polluting the world with his !!!!SHITE!!!! since the age of 12 without let or hindrance. This can only mean one thing, folks:

Justin Bieber is a eunuch.

And since success stops when the balls drop, this means we're stuck with this floppy-haired Autotune-happy no-talent syphilis-ridden waste of arms and legs FOREVER. If this makes you want to snort uncut Prozac until you collapse in a heap on the floor, you're not alone.

In fact, the signs that Bieber's a eunuch are, now you mention it, manifold. That reedy voice, like an overgrown child. Those androgyne facial features. The rather long arms. The preference for baggy trousers (because anything tighter would reveal the absence of a crotch bulge). The fact that he, erm, it, is disturbingly bum-fluff-free despite being old enough to (in Britain at least) get married and ride a moped is further evidence also. When I was 16, I was known as "rugface" by the younger kids in school because I had this wispy half-beard that wasn't thick enough to be worth shaving but coarse enough to be noticeable - or even "Hagrid." If Bieber is shaving, it's with a 700-bladed razor if it's with anything. Literally his face is as smooth as a baby's bottom.

In days of yore, the Catholic Church would encourage young boys with passable singing voices to be castrated before puberty, so that they could hit the highest notes (because babes handlin' the biscuits was sinful or something like that - this was before women's lib). The castrati were the pop idols of their day, if you will. Reportedly, after a virtuoso performance, audiences would cry out, "viva il coltello!" or "long live the knife!" There was, of course, the Biblical injunction about how a man "wounded in his stones" may not enter the congregation of the Lord, but an excuse about being attacked by dogs or getting into a brawl with other boys (!) and a quick indulgence smoothed that over.

Thus, many years later, Justin Bieber.

The fact that Bieber's a eunuch explains why voluminous quantities of pubescent girls like him. Whereas, at their age, real boys (i.e. ones without floppy hairdos and with testes), are sweaty, angst-ridden, acne-studded, and only interested in being with girls because they might get their end away and, more importantly, be able to brag about it at school on Monday morning to their equally cunty mates (source: personal experience), Bieber's love is as pure as rain. To Bieber, love is an angel, whereas to its fans' male classmates, it's merely a monkey with wings - or at most something to lie about being in so you're 5.5378008% more likely to be offered the opportunity to give Nathalie Simmons with the 36DD norks a good seeing to. Unfortunately, being a eunuch, Bieber falls foul of the proverb that actions speak louder than words. Thus, once the Bieber fans grow a bit older, they realise it is all hawk and no spit and grow out of it (This is where Clan of the Cave Bear fans come from, I'm sure.)

However, the other half of Bieber's fan base - or Beliebers (ugh) as they call themselves - are middle-aged women. Once again, their liking for Bieber is due to the fact that it is a eunuch. By the time a woman is this sort of age, it's quite on the cards that she will have children aged 12 to 14. Some of these children may be girls. Now, many parents of daughters worry about the apples of their eyes getting up the stick as a teenager. Whether this is unnecessarily so or not I cannot comment on, as I have no children of my own and so cannot comment. However, I digress. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment. Which would you, as the mother of a 13 year old girl to whom you've just given "the talk" to a few weeks back, rather be on your daughter's bedroom wall with big pink hearts round it. Justin Bieber? Or maybe Manowar? The former is sweet and pure - nonthreatening if you will - and sings sweetly about "me, plus you, one time," whereas the latter not only show off the rapiers dangling off their bodies with those tight leather trousers, but also have stage shows where they tip beer onto semi-nude girls and did an album in 1983, "Into Glory Ride," whose introduction is a vignette of Eric Adams noisily shagging a girl when her parents burst in and shout out, "SHE'S ONLY SIXTEEN!!!!!" so I think you get the idea. Put simply, Bieber, being a eunuch, is not going to get your pride and joy into a delicate condition.

Actually, the middle-aged Beliebers are really quite scary, much as the same way that Twimoms - mothers of Twihards who get into said sparkly vampire prose - are scary, but that's a different writeup.

(As are teenage girls who like Manowar, but that's also a different writeup.)

Let's move away from Bieber's lack of genitalia for a second and move onto his material. In short, Bieber tries to be all hard-edged and its songs feature rappers and urban singers including Ludacris and Usher, but that's not fooling anyone. Bieber's a suburban butterboy through and through. It's from Stratford, Ontario which is resolutely the buckle in Canada's commuter belt. Its attempts at being "street" and hard-edged are as laughable as going into an iffy grime dancehall in Hackney and claiming to be "reppin' KT10." Exactly. Especially considering its lyrics are all about some girl it's pining after... yes, quite. The fact that Bieber is reliant so heavily on autotune despite provoking a rousing chorus of "viva il coltello!" normally also casts aspersion on its actual level of talent. I question whether it can sing at all.

Yet despite all this, "Baby" remains the most viewed video on YouTube with over 300 million hits and 1.3 million comments.

No wonder the denizens of 4chan tried to massage Google search results to include a report that it has syphilis at the top (which is a bit hard as it's a eunuch).

I despair at humanity whenever I see Bieber. Why can't it just hit puberty like every other juvenile pop act - or at least have a pair grafted on - and get dropped like a stone due to the resulting wobbly voice that's the bane of choirmasters worldwide? Then at least it'd be out of our fucking field of vision forever. Or at least until the brilliant reinvention due to take place in 2015 where it tries to present itself as a serious singer and fails.

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