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Well, I've done it again. Yup. I have another one of my crazy theories. But I'm gonna run with this one. Hehehe.... If you're don't like insane yet somehow logical conspiracy theories I strongly suggest you not waste your time with this node.


It all started when i was in the midst of one of the 600 strains of the cold virus. Having a runny nose precipitates using a lot of kleenex. Then hit it me. The kleenex companies make money off of you being sick. And, being corporations, what's really stopping them from unleashing some kind of epidemic so that we all get sick and have to buy some of their product? Then I had an epiphany.

What if they already are unleashing all sorts of diseases into the general public? I mean, is it really all that improbable? Nothing too serious, of course, but just enough so that enough inconspicuous consumption of tissues goes on to make these people ricj. It probably wouldn't be all that hard. And they would stand to make a pretty big profit....

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Up until now, we've attributed sinus infection, and the common cold to diagnoses that have been around us for centuries, but were only identified with the advent of modern medicine. But you'd think we'd have run across something parallel with the cold or sinus infection in ancient scriptures or something. There are 600 strains of the cold virus. Isn't that a bit much? The cold is common, but people tend to classify it as one disease. Adn there are so many other fatal diseases. Why aren't there 600 strains of AIDS or something? Could it be because all of these kleenex companies make all these strains of the virus to keep them in business. If so, something should be done. But, alas, I'm just a crazy ranting teenager, and it would take some kind of documented evidence to take down the kleenex companies. Is there a conspiracy? I think so, but the world may never know.....

Or my version, which I call the Puffs Plus Conspiracy Theory. Have you ever tried wiping your nose with a Puffs Plus brand tissue? If you have, you'll notice that the tissue's fibers are very loose. This contributes to softness, but it also causes the problem: a lot of the fibers will come undone from the tissue when you wipe with it, and when you inhale, you'll take a lot of them in. This puts foreign objects in your nose, making you want to blow them out. So you reach for your Puffs Plus to blow them out... and you use another tissue!

Along the same lines as jop's observation, I have frequently noted that the act of pulling a tissue from a box often brings the tissue into contact with the microserrated cardboard making up the perimeter of the box's hole. This contact releases a noticeable amount of both tissue fiber and cardboard residue into the air. In turn, the dry aerial debris sometimes causes sneezes, occasional coughing and general nasal irritation.

Tissues packaged in cubical boxes usually have a thin film of plastic at the opening, greatly ameliorating this problem. Rectangular boxes, however, usually require someone to punch out an oval piece of material to reveal the opening, leaving the hole's perimeter frayed and jagged. I have noticed a tendency to use more tissues when I have a rectangular box in my room.

Since I was a little boy, I have always assumed that the Kleenex Conspiracy Theory was simply a product of my entertainment-straved, illness-addled imagination rather than true malice on the part of tissue-makers. After reading the above allegations of even more heinous acts against tissue-users, however, I am beginning to wonder if there is some psychological force at play, such as innate suspicion of those who attempt to relieve our suffering.

Or maybe they are up to something sinister...

[Cue dramatic music, cut to scene of cigar-smoking corporate fatcats laughing as batch after batch of tissue is dipped into enormous vat of genetically-altered influenza.]

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