Liberals, let's face it. The NRA is too strong for us. They're unified. They give lots of money, and vote one way. We're too divided, trying to save the whales, the ozone layer, legal abortion, Wounded Knee, evolution and more, all at the same time. You can tell that from all the bumper stickers. Many from the American left voted for Ralph Nader because they couldn't see any difference between Al Gore and George W. Bush, and they wanted to teach the Democratic Party a lesson.

Yeah, they sure showed us.

But I digress. The real reason that conservatives are so adamant in opposing gun control is simple. They're armed and we're not. They know they haven't got logic, reality or bumper stickers on their side. So they need bullets. They've spent years building militias, stockpiling arms and ammunition in anticipation of that dreadful day when the UN reaches agreement, sends Nigerian troops to invade America's shores just to pry Nancy Reagan's .22 pistol from Ronnie's bedside table. Meanwhile we liberals steadfastly remained unarmed. The left, you see, is so busy fighting for the rights of Kentucky Fried Chickens to fight. Besides, guns are loud, our kids might find them. Gunfire impedes feng shui.

It's about time that changed. Liberal, it's time to get your gun. Or guns as the case may be.

When you think about it nothing in the world would give Ann Coulter bigger nightmares than seeing Susan Sarandon's long, elegant fingers wrapped around the trigger of an Armalite AR-15? Wouldn't Trent Lott shiver at the thought of Kweisi Mfume training with a Heckler & Koch MP-5? Wouldn't gay bashers hesitate if they thought Harvey Fierstein might be packing a nine millimeter? Or better yet a 12 gauge pump.

The new Liberal gun movement could be welcoming, and embracing of all. The Army already has a Rainbow Division, why not a Pink Triangle Militia? Or better yet the Rainbow Rifle Range and Coffee Shop where customers can listen to Billy Bragg, discuss post-modernism over a double latte while popping a few caps. We can come out with a line of designer targets featuring such Right Wing luminaries as Donald Rumsfeld, Pat Robertson, Dick Armey and dannye. Let's face it: guns are cool pieces of technology, almost as sexy as an Apple Powerbook. And a lot more dangerous in the hands of the simpleminded. Liberal ownership would be good for the gun industry, and encourage such reputable manufacturers as Glock to come out with recyclable guns and pastel-colored pistol grips to go with their fingerprint-resistant models. As 'responsible gun owners' we'd be in a good position to infiltrate the right and infect them with our pagan beliefs.

Of course, if Liberals get their guns, conservatives may discover a hitherto undiscovered sympathy for gun control. After all, it will be a lot harder to abolish Social Security in the face of an armed and trained AARP. Who would make a better suicide bomber than a toothless old geezer who has lost his Medicare? And we may need those guns if John Ashcroft gets his way. It may be Michael Moore and not Charlton Heston whose guns are taken from his cold, dead hands.

C'mon Liberals, what have we got to lose? It's time for us to get our gun. And begin a real peace movement through superior firepower.


In Ohio, one group has takend up the call. The Pink Pistols is a group of armed, socially concious gays. Alas they were kicked out of the gay pride parade here in Columbus. It semes that he organizers hath decreed that the parade shall be unarmed. Though none carried a loaded weapon, they police were called, and the Pink Pistols weren't the people with the permit.

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