Love is tricky. It is never mundane or daily. You can never get used to it. You have to walk with it, then let it walk with you. You can never balk. It moves you like the tide. It takes you to the sea, then lays you on the beach again. Today's struggling pain is the foundation for a certain stride through the heavens. You can run from it but you can never say no. It includes everyone. --Amy Tan, The Hundred Secret Senses
I am reminded today to be grateful. I have people who love me and that in itself is a little miracle. I have, in the past week, been doubtful and insecure about the future, and wondering if my place is really here, in Denver. But if not here, then where? Last week, I was fired unfairly after three days for a personality trait (my supervisor said I was too shy) and this plunged me into doubt about my worth, not just as an employee, but to other people. I am reminded today that I have meaning in people's lives. Tomorrow, I start another job, better than the last at higher pay. Today, four people reminded me that they loved me and that my very existence has made their lives a little better. How could that not bring me a little joy?
I am also reminded about all the beauty that exists everywhere, in everything and everyone. And how sometimes all it takes is a little patience to evoke it. Old women are beautiful when they remember the past and what it was like to dance. Children are beautiful when they smile. Aaron is beautiful, even when his eyes are sad. Nick is beautiful when he gets a spark of inspiration, and it makes me sad that some people will never know the small moments of wonder they can elicit.
And I am reminded of how many people I love. And sometimes, how difficult it is to love people. Love is not something that just is, it's something that requires patience, forgiveness and above all belief in someone else. And sometimes it hurts. It hurts to feel like you don't count to someone you'd brave flames for. But sometimes, it's wonderful and it makes you remember that anything can be beautiful, if you look hard enough. I am glad I have Nick and Aaron as friends. And I love them both, for different reasons. And even though he may never speak to me again, I love Angel, because he was kind to me when I needed kindness. And I love Scott, and Levi and so many, many people who have helped me, or changed me for the better. Love is a catalyst. It changes everything in tiny ways that we may never notice. I don't think it's ever a mistake to love someone, even if our love is not returned, even if we are scorned, or shunned. I think it is a far greater crime to have the chance to love someone and not take it.
And I am grateful for all the love in my life. And I am grateful for being able to smile, something I will never take for granted, because I know what it is like to hurt so bad that a smile seems impossible. And I am grateful that tomorrow the sun will rise and that the day will be somehow beautiful no matter the weather.