I am more
confused right now than I have been in a
long time. Things are changing
in my life and I am not sure how to handle these changes.
I'm getting to the point where I'm
winding down my studies and having to
decide where I really want to go from
here.
The
dreams I once had,
I lost...I don't know exactly
what I want anymore. I used to be
the kind of person where I could tell you
the week,
month, six month,
year, two year, five year,
ten year plan. And show you how I was
sticking to my plan and
succeeding.
What do I want? When it comes to my professional life,
I don't know.
In my personal life, I'd like for
my heart to stop hurting. I feel rather
stupid for getting
involved with
someone in the first place. But I would have had to at some point. I'm a
hopeless romantic. I can't help but
wear my heart on my sleeve. Unfortunately for me, the
English are just about the
most unromantic race amongst
all people. I went and
fell in love with an
old friend. I went and
fell in love with someone who has remarked that he is
my perfect match. I fell in love with someone who is still
raw from his
failed marriage. Everyone has
baggage, I know...and it was good that he had some, because we
understood each other...but what happens when his baggage gets in the way? When
communication breaks down?
It seems that somewhere along the way, he has
forgotten all the things he learned about me. He has forgotten
how to be a friend, how to be a
paramour, how to be a
respectful,
responsible person.
I never thought he would be one to
cause me pain. I never thought I would
cry over him. We need to talk. And I feel that if we don't talk before he goes away on a
business trip next week, and I go on
holiday, we will never sort out what is wrong. Leaving something
hanging is not something I like to do.
I hate myself for putting myself in this position.
I swear up and down that if this doesn't work,
I will never fall in love again. This is the second time that I have been
in love and even though it's
the greatest feeling in the world, I think maybe what comes with it isn't worth it. I had to deal with
death and
bereavement,
mourning,
depression...That
love almost killed me. This one won't. This isn't anywhere near as bad. But the new wound makes the old ones ache.
Wanting to go back to the way things were gets you
nowhere. Because you can
never go back.