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vfdnsjkbnkjlisbdfgb !!!!

yeah. grrr. i am just filled to the brim with angstiness right now. in two days - theoretically - i become a graduate, not offically, but i will be done with college. finished. just chilling, putting my feet up, waiting to walk in june. all this, however, is contigent upon one tiny little c++ final that ought to be cake. in fact, it most assuredly would be cake, had i not missed the majority of a month and a half of class. if i don't finish the final, i have to hurry my ass up and register for some elective next quarter before i jet off for spring break in san francisco.

i worry that the same thing will happen, though. because i love programming, i really do. i love the cleanliness and the secrecy and the coersion and the instant gratification. i love the neatness of a fixed-width font indenting, brackets opening and closing, against an unadorned editor window. i love the click of the keys, swearing like a trucker when it doesn't compile. the challenge, the chase. despite all that, i still couldn't focus. if i don't make it through the next two days, i'm in a world of hurt.

today is not helping. $120 of my shiny new paycheck went to cover a deficit i should never have accrued. when i came home from the bank, i began the long and demanding process of intense, advanced-level procrastination. i meant to take a shower - i took a bubble bath. mid-bath, i decided to dye my hair red. i get out of the bath and read/remember too late that one does not wash one's hair prior to dyeing it. i spend half an hour brushing my hair, trying to work some oils back into it. dye. let sit for 25 minutes. rinse. condition. put on makeup and spend 45 minutes prancing around in front of the mirror admiring my handiwork.

not satisfied with my own glowing but silent compliments, i go downtown, hoping to run into someone who will remark on my vixen-like new look. doesn't happen. i eat a bagel and read beckett. back at home, the gas bill - three days late already - must go out today. neither roommate has left a check, so i decide it is my duty to stay at home until they arrive, so that the bill can go out before the post office closes. i fall asleep on the couch and awaken at 5:45 when one roommate gets back from a retreat. the post office is closed and my final is still in no better shape than i left it yesterday: includes, declarations, and an empty constructor.

i get my ass to school. chaos explodes around me the moment i enter the computer center. i crawl into the foxhole reserved for advanced computing students, generals in the war against the confusion of human existance, fighting day and night to effect some pretense of order through better tools for our poor conflicted race. (i'm romanticizing my major, aren't i?) eventually, i can't take it anymore and have to come out and sit behind the desk.

some people are idiots. crazed morons with unreasonable demands. their apparent leader approaches me a little before i am actually on the clock. bored, i decipher her incoherent language and follow her to her machine. the problem is that she can't get her disk out (of a mac). the reason she can't do this? some petty neanderthal has stolen the mouse. i eject her disk using the tried and true paperclip method and call the cops. they take my statement. i fume.

it is unlikely that i will be able to stay here until 2 am without having to kill someone. if i don't get access to a computer and browser in prison, all my love..
Today was definitely one of the best days I've had in a long time. I spent 2 1/2 hours with Sara for lunch. She held my hand as we walked through the park :) We went there as a group, but Sara and I had some time together alone when the others went back to work early. She seems to be getting much closer to me than ever before. If this is as good as it gets, it's good enough :)

I have finally something to thank AOL for, and that is AIM. I have been able to communicate with Sara so much more now that I can talk with her online. It's basically the reason we all got together for lunch, and we have a great schedule planned for friday and saturday night.

TC wrote to me on AIM this morning that she was upset that her boyfriend hadn't called her yet, but just as she was chatting with me and I was trying to give her some words of encouragement, he called and she had a chance to talk with him just before she left for Paris.

I went to the gym tonight, full of energy. I burned 790 calories over 3.75 miles in an hour. I didn't do much running tonight though. Afterwards, I caught Sara online again and we talked for a bit. I asked her if she wanted to go to a music concert and she seemed interested until she realized that all the good seats were taken, and she figured she should probably spend the day studying anyway. I think she really wanted to go though.

Sara, CR, and I conspired to buy Ann a dress from eBay that she had been mentioning over and over again. Ann said that she didn't want to bid on it because she just spent a bunch of money, but she kept mentioning it and wondering about it. I suggested that we buy it for her and give it to her at the end of the month when we go to Orlando. At first the dress was only about $24, but when I went to bid $50 for it, it went to $51, so I bid $60 and it sold at $56. It's a very attractive dress; I bet it'll make her happy :)

Anyway, it was a great day. Not much done at work, but that's pretty typical lately. I love how things are going with Sara. Even if I'm on the boundary of how far we can go together, I'm pretty happy where we are now. In some ways I'd like to be further along, but that would bring some pressure with it that's just not there now, so this works out very well.

Happy Birthday to me!

Yes, I'm finally 21(see I always knew I would have a 21st birthday but I never thought I'd be 21). I am going out tonight. Flexitime has been has been built up so I got into work at 10, will have a pub lunch from 12:30 - 2 then leave at 4. Good day, huh!

The rest of the day (and night) will involve pub, curry on the curry mile then bar in town. If any noders are in Manchester tonight and feel like going to Copper Face Jacks tonight, I'll be there after 9(ish).

Wel, it's now 4pm and time to go home. Wish me luck!

Not too much to report today, I have the scenery for our play completed, and put up the spray foam so that my poor dog can't play with it any more.

It seems to be raining, snowing, and hailing all at the same time. I have never seen that before. I must be in Indiana. But alas if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes, and it will change.

Talked to Nate, and we are soon to be setting up our very own Everything Engine to use for our organization. I suspect it will be fun, if I can get my Red Hat to install correctly. I may have to revert to Debain. Debain is much more fun than Red Hat.

I sorta have to get to work now, they get mad if I "play" on the net too much. What A Shame.
Urgh ... got this for http://dmoz.org tonight ...

Gateway Timeout

The following error occurred:
Server unreachable
-----------------------------
Please contact the administrator.

Ah well ... the more time I then have to play on E2. Went around random voting via soft links. Cooled an ancient editor log.

What else ... just got perms for /Regional/Asia/Malaysia/States ...

The most creepy event on Everything2 I had to go through1

I'm still all shook up, so I'll just give you the record of the event as seen through the ChatterBox. I'm going to shiver in a corner, now...
17:10: MetaPerson: re: bess can't go here
17:11: Gritty: buffy, no. Write about
	yourself on your homenode, write about the
	name buffy under that node -- though 
	naturally you can mention yourself.
17:11: wideawake: u should wu a follow-up Meta
17:11: Gritty: And disregard the fact that 
	so many other peopel have done it ;-)
17:12: wideawake dislikes vanity nodeshells
17:16: nuttyfreenode likes
	his vanity nodeshell
17:18: wideawake: papercrawl! if u ever write a
	node tell me , for i shall have to write 2
17:18: MetaPerson feels like living again 
	on seeing tnazingocateM
17:20: Betalol: monkey pimp?
17:21: strungup doesn't have a vanity nodeshell,
	just a pun
17:21: kaheyo is hugely amused by the softlinks 
	on kaheyo
17:22: nuttyfreenode: WHOA!  MY SHIT'S ALL FUCKED
	UP!  C-BOX IS ON THE RIGHT!  ME DIE!
17:22: SouthWing: Ack
17:22: nuttyfreenode: I MEAN LEFT!  C-BOX IS ON 
	THE LEFT!  DIE!
17:22: shifhaya: what the?  Everything is on 
	the wrong side of the screen?!
17:23: nuttyfreenode: DIEDIEDIEDIE
17:23: Never Lost: ahhh!! this is madness!
17:23: sit/together/sweetheart: HOLY CRAPPIN JEEBUS
17:23: strungup: WHOA. I just voted on 
	oppression of the masses and watched my 
	nodelets all switch to the left side of the 
	browser window.
17:23: bertrand: ?!?
17:23: wideawake: WTF
17:23: nuttyfreenode: i feel funny.
17:23: SouthWing has to learn the difference 
	between right and left
17:23: bertrand: Ah, that's better
17:23: Never Lost: phew.  all is well again.
17:23: sit/together/sweetheart shudders and veers toward
	the right side of the screen. EMPTINESS
17:23: catch-22: is it backwards day already?
	and here i am wearing my underwear beneath my
	clothes. don't i feel silly!
17:24: sit/together/sweetheart: oh. safe. safe.
17:24: nuttyfreenode: okay, i'm better now.
17:24: strungup: oh, good, it wasn't just me. latte, 
	you wacky jokester you!!
17:24: wideawake: CURSES SouthWing
17:24: nicechicken: brief trip to a mirror 
	universe, maybe?  better now.
17:24: shifhaya: server fart?
17:24: nuttyfreenode: SouthWing is fucking with us again.
17:24: Betalol is not backwards
17:25: strungup: Wow, that must be what it feels like 
	to have to write wrong-handed for the first time.
17:25: kaheyo went to evil twin. that made sense
	for a switched over layout...

1 So far, at least...

* To protect the innocent users of E2 names have been changed
Yesterday I felt out of control of my life and that really scared me.

It all started when I got home from my game, which we lost. I still don't care. Three blinks on my message machine. No messages. I knew He probably had tried to call, so I *69. He answered. He said He called to tell me to stare at Him tomorrow, because He got new clothes. We don't ever talk at school, so the most we could associate is just by looking at each other. This is what it's come down to. I needed Him to make a decision about us. Either He needed to let me love Him or forget about Him. I know that a relationship isn't possible for us right now, and He acknowleged this fact by saying that we couldn't be together until at least high school is over. Three months.

He said He didn't care for me the way I did for Him, and that He was only purely attracted to me physically. I want to be with Him more than anything, and I can't let go. He said He would try to gradually go into something with me; I'm not sure what. But I told Him that we had to be something or absolutely nothing. I only want Him to go through with this if He wants to, if He genuinely wants to make an effort to try to like me. After we got off the phone I cried, and cried. I wanted to drink hard liquor. Instead I got to study for a calculus test.

It bothered me that I coulnd't get Him to care for me, that there's nothing that I can do. That my happiness hinges on His whims. I hate this so much, I feel hopeless and I wish I could just wake up and not care one day but I don't really want to either. I want Him to love me, He's being really nice about it, but I can't wait any longer.

Well, now the firemen have all gone (those handsome sweaty do-gooders in their reflective yellow and orange gear). I can process my morning and be glad that my photo albums are still here and I found my cat again and that the wee ones and I are fine and not traumatized by a crispy house.

I woke up this morning and made a pot of coffee. I was just about to clean up my house, and change some diapers and put the kids in playcloths. My house was a WRECK the kind that only small children can create. I was looking out the window, listening to the birds, smelling…that…coffee…hey wait a minute! That smells more like burning wood, and wait, is that smoke I see or are my glasses smudgy? Wow, I really think that my house might be on fire!

Next thing I know I am scrambling about trying to put the smoke detector back on the wall (I had only taken it off the night before due to a disastrous kitchen goof.) I could not make the thing work, but by then it was obvious that something was smoking and I did not need a detector to tell me so. So I went to the phone and called 911 and told them my house was filling with smoke. I was told to get out NOW, and then the Mommy panic set in. I jammed some things in the diaper bag, threw some cloths on Katie (Miles was still in jammies) and fished the cat out from under the bed.

Three minutes later two fire trucks, two ambulances, and two police cars were in front of my house. They blocked off the street and sent some guys up to the wrong house. I flagged them down and they came trooping in. Katie was really freaked out but Miles thought it was pretty cool. I lost track of my cat – she is not an outdoor cat. She only goes out very occasionally. When the trucks pulled up she freaked and dove off the porch.

The firemen went through my house, broke into the empty apartment upstairs and took notes on the recent electrical problems we have had in the bathroom (the light socket spins and crackles, but was just fixed a few days ago.) They went through the whole house and found nothing, till one of them came out with a crusty looking furnace filter and mentioned that he may have found the problem. Here is me, blushing and feeling very, very stupid. We rent, so we never really think about the furnace much, except that last year the Gas Company told us our very unresponsive landlord could use a dope slap when it comes to furnace maintenance. They said the ducts all needed cleaned out and that some things needed tweaking in order for it to run efficiently. We passed it on, but got no response, then spring came along and we forgot about the furnace altogether.

While they were in the basement they mentioned that the new water heater that had been installed for the upstairs apartment was installed improperly and that every time the water heater kicked on it would spew forth a dangerous cloud of carbon monoxide. YAY for my family. The damn thing wasn’t even vented. I called the Gas Company and the guy looked at it and called up the stairs, “Oh lan-lord that’s a NO-NO. This is appalling. You sure you feeling all right. Girl, I bet you been getting headaches honey.” I almost thought he was going to hug me. At that point I think I would have welcomed it. In any case every one but the landlord has fixed what they could. Wonder how long this will take. It took three months to get smoke detectors, even though we wrote in the memo section of our rent checks, “We need smoke detectors at --- (address) This is a fire hazard.” In addition to all the phone calls. They have a machine that picks up and they pretend not to hear you if they think it isn’t important.

Furnace filters. God, what a tool I am. I was a homeowner and should have known better. It doesn’t really make me feel better that the landlord is even more stupid.

The News Channel Four truck crept by. I told one of the firemen, "God, please don't let them stop." He said, "Don't worry. They are like vultures. They only stop and jam a camera in your face if they can see flames and there is a body on the lawn. They follow us everywhere we go."

I think whenever things inside relating to parents or men or my grandfather get riled up, I get ambivalent around M. I want to see him, I want to be with him, but part of me doesn't - at all.

I think the part that relates to him, specifically, is the complete trust that I have placed in him. I can't figure this stuff out, at all, and I always feel foolish and awkward - it's something I don't really understand. Is it because I love and trust him so much? Or not enough? And is it also because I have such a strong sexual desire for him? Because I've told him so much and you know all my parts (now)? I think it's (at least partly) because he knows all of me, all of my people, and there is no hiding from you inside. And he stirs up sexual desire and a desire to be close, intimate and together. So when I'm feeling vulnerable, or right now when things are changing inside and I'm working on stuff, his presence can be too threatening.

This is also all mixed in with my concerns about his not taking good care of himself, his biological depression and what that is going to mean to me in the long run (ie, can I be with him when he has this, and when he has difficulty figuring it out and taking care of himself?), his significant weight gain and holding on to it. And a little bit about his social anxieties (that I feel we would work on if we were in a 'normal' relationship.)


___________________________________________________________________________

I am feeling much better today. The prospect of going out with friends usually perks me right up - occasionally just feels like a drag because I'm battling too much other stuff. So tonight I'm hanging out with K. and her new girlfriend! I'm so proud of her! How much in the balls dept. does that grrl got, anyway? She's been wanting to check out this feeling of hers for quite some time - and she just started going to dyke bars and - met some people! Good for you, baby! You rock!

So tonight I get to meet her, at a Lebanese restaurant - do they have vegetarian food? I guess I'll find out!

After a couple days without daylogs I still find myself at a loss when attempting to report interesting events in my life.

No responsibilities today aside from the growing pile of work I need to sift through. Slept too late as a result. Woke with another ferocious headache that managed to stay with me nearly all day. Did fuck all except for read and watch Cartoon Network.

Tonight I was to go see a friend of mine perform in his Latin band Norte Tropicale, but when I arrived I couldn’t get myself to walk into the stupid bar. I froze in the parking lot while thinking about what was inside, and came to the decision that I really didn’t want to go in. I wanted to see my friend play, don’t get me wrong, but I found my shitty day encroaching on my mood and decided not to pass it on to others.

With that I jumped into my car and began to drive home. I quasi-purposely missed my turn and continued driving until I was far away from the town. In the Frozen North you don’t have to go very far before you leave the lights of any town behind and there in nothing but darkness and the vague shapes of trees whizzing past you on vacant highways. I drove around for the better half of an hour, listening to classical on NPR as I went.

As I drove, my mind began to tease me. I was on the same road that would—in four hours time—eventually end at Beautiful Girl's apartment. I had been thinking about her all day, and I longed to have her on my shoulder as I wound through the mountains. Every side street and dark spot on the side of the road seemed a perfect place to pull off and break the law. If only she was there; breaking the law in that particular fashion on my own holds little thrill.

I'm having a hard time writing. Haven’t been able to node for a couple days now. All I've wanted to do since I woke was to go back to sleep. Such a poor way to spend your day.

Not a bad day.

Woke up at 3:00 PM, had breakfast.

Went to the library to pick a book up that was waiting for me on reserve and to return Donnie Brasco.  Next stop was Blockbuster Video to return The Legend of Drunken Master.

Returned home.  Had dinner.  Read for a while.  Lounged around.

8 PM, went over to my friend Craig's house for a while.  We watched Das Boot, which neither of us had seen before.  I've never seen a good movie that was dubbed instead of subtitled before, but this one was.  Regardless, it was a pretty good movie and made me never, eeeeever want to go aboard a sumbarine for as long as I live.

Return home, node.

Gave a speech in my Japanese class about what I do at work it went suprisingly well, or at least better that I thought it would.

As I walked past old main from my last class to my hole in the wall, I witnessed some guy playing with some boomerangs. He was taking two of them and throwing them at once, making each one loop back toward him. I really couldn't tell exactly what he was trying to do with them, but after about three tries, he got one of them to fly about 50ft in front of him and loop totally around one of the near by flag pools and he even managed to catch it. Boomerangs are really cool playthings.

Had some thoughts about changing my major. After three years of being jerked around and running in circles, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not going to be an engineer, or at least be a good enough one to get paid for it. Languages were my first real joy, I like studying them and using them, I like to experiment with them. I don't know why it took me so long to figgure this out. Yeah, I won't any where near as much money as a linguist than I would as an engineer, but at least I'll be happy. Poor and happy. Nihogo de hanashimashou!

Today was a frustrating day.

Can You Please Stop Hitting on the Waitress?

A good friend of mine with a massive sex drive is hitting on my favorite waitress at the Original Pancake House near my house. This is making my angry, because I really, really like this waitress as she always gives me good service and she knows my mother and I by our names.

I really did not need him to fuck with that relationship. And for God's sake, she is like 15 years older than him and a mother of two!

Everything is Simpler Than it Seems

Found out the 60+ lines of well-researched code I wrote needed to be reduced to four to make it work properly. I love that O/S.

The overall super-secret project still doesn't work, however. The damned memory allocator cannot seem to get a big enough chunk of memory. Damn that O/S, damn it, damn-it, damnit.

And Now You, Precious?

My girlfriends depression hit a new low today, and I had to run to her aid to comfort her. Do Not Worry Little One.

Might As Well Hit My Head with a Hammer...

First on the plus side I fixed up some errors in Yumi's Sushi Bar. That node is spiff now.

On the bad side, most everyone seems to hate poetry. Especially MY poetry on e2. Shit, if you don't like it or don't like it because it doesn't read like a slashdot article leave it alone!

Why do I do it? I do it for the softlink baby!

Haven't noded since the very beginning of spring break; went to play in Joshua Tree and Laguna Beach for a few days instead. Now I'm reluctantly getting back into the swing of my dorm room and the thesis I must continue to research and write, and of course all the Web time I could ever shake a stick at is an ample source of procrastination indeed. Net outcome: it's been a good E2 day and a bad hair day. If I thought the two were related in any way, I wouldn't get that haircut I whined about needing in the chatterbox earlier today.

So, to cannibalize an old Dan Bern lyric, it's time to "sit back, give interviews, get on the Internet, and take stock of what I've done" today.

  • I started fleshing out my Dutch profanity semantics paper node with writeups on a few important definitions (I don't think it's nodevertisement if I don't hardlink my w/u's in the daylogs, and besides, if I let myself get intimidated by voting down for nodevertisement I'll never get over my fear of posting anything more controversial than song lyrics with editorial comments). I accrued a C! in the process, so it felt like a job well done.

  • For the second time in my E2 career, I introduced myself and revealed my identity to an Everythingian I know in real life. It was a little scary, but felt like the right thing to do.

  • I voted on a daylog. For anyone who has not yet heard me rant on the subject, I am highly embarrassed and dismayed by the fact that my highest-ranked nodes are daylogs. I feel ickily voyeuristic when I read those of others. So I try to restrict my entries here to thoughts about noding, satisfying both my exhibitionist urges and tendency towards mental masturbation, with which I'd rather not clutter other parts of the nodegel. I have always tried to keep my ruminations on these matters boring enough to dissuade all noders but those with excessive votes to burn, but apparently I have failed to do so in the past. Now I have succumbed still more to the temptations of the daylog, and fed the beast. Alack, woe is me.

  • Afterthought (it's true: I have no discernible attention span; my writeups are constantly evolving because I can't concentrate long enough to finish any of them): I discovered anybody can contribute to the Editor Logs. For some reason, this freaks me out beyond belief.

Still, all told, a pretty good day on E2, and fairly uneventful dirtside. If I could only find my watch/alarm and keep the hair out of my eyes and ears; I'd be much better prepared for spring break to be over. Well, there's always the weekend.

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