It is really scary to reach out sometimes to people - two of the ones I loved the most, my mom and my grandfather, are the ones that let me down the hardest. That's why it is so hard for me to trust that any of my friends really do care (even if they say they do) and that I won't be bothering them or putting them out. I always feel like that is exactly what I am doing, pestering them, if I do reach out.
I have felt a lot of despair and sadness this weekend; it started at a meeting on Thursday and never got better. I get afraid to let things out sometimes - and I don't really know what to do. The people I want to share this stuff with I can't communicate with, and it feels too risky to share it with most of my friends. I don't want everyone in the world to know about this shit! Not if they really know me! It's too scary.
Like, my sister - she's 600 miles away, and frantically busy most of the time - which is her way of coping with life.
M. - I hate him again (how lucky he is to be my friend! Alternating hate and love in equal portions, whenever you least suspect it's coming - yippee dee doo dah.)
And I guess part of me only knows one way to deal with despair and sadness - eat, escape, dissociate. so I did a little of each on Sunday, it was awful. I had to go move a dining room set and some other furniture from my grandmother's house to my house and two other places.
(Of course, my dear sons did the hard work. They were very willing, it was funny, we were never willing to help out as children, and especially as teens. I don't ask much of them, it's true, but their willingness and happiness just amazed me. They were good natured and sweet the whole time. I was a nervous wreck, driving a big ass U-haul truck and dealing with my mother who was using the move as an excuse to make contact with me. I wanted no contact with her and it was driving me crazy. She wasn't doing anything particularly awful at all, I was the one who was screwed up.
I feel like shit. I feel full of hatred and anger and despair and sadness. Life sucks so damn bad, it doesn't feel like it is worth continuing to struggle. I can't even begin to imagine that it will improve.
Anyway - I keep bursting into tears, and here I am at work, 9 am in the morning. I'm going to try and pull myself together, but it's pretty fragile at this point.