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< The Journal | To March 3, 2004 >

Why I want to move to alaska.

I sat here today, thinking about my life, my future. I'm only 18, such as most would consider me bull headed purely because of my age. I've held no less than four jobs, still working on my current one.

Recently, I was reprimanded because of two specific customer complaints that were filed against me. See, I work in retail. Dealing with the general public is not the most exciting job. Of these two events, one I was directly responsible since it was my words, and tone of voice that the customer took the wrong way. The other event, however, had nothing to do with the customer in question, and was purely co-worker conversation. The customer went so far as to file a complaint against me of being extremely offended because I mentioned the word mountain oysters to a co-worker who questioned the subject. The customer in question was being extremely spiteful, might I mention that the customer happened to be female.

I am not surprised.

I've had a personal discovery of many of the eastern contiguous united states of assholes. During this period of time, I've come to discover that People are hateful. Particulary in my area are people more hateful than most other places. People are hateful not because they have the right to be, but because they want to be. Some people get sick and twisted satisification out of being mean to others. For some people, this makes them feel powerful. People are no longer in touch with nature.

Every city is the same.

Every person is the same, the same lives, the same friends, the same hobbies, cars, jobs, the same clothes, hair styles, attitudes, ideas, beliefs. The same cities with the same buildings, streets, signs, and designs. The roads are the same, the sky is the same, the same pollution, the same crime.
This City is the same as the next with little variation. It's very boring, bland, and spiteful. Good luck getting some stranger to say hello first. I say hello all the time, to everyone. What's wrong with saying hello?

If you hate it so much, then move!

Why I'd be delighted to. It's a 55 hour drive. I can make it in my car with 150 gallons of fuel and $500 in my pocket. $2,000 will get me there and a place to stay for a month while I find a job.

Why do I want to move to Alaska?
It's a change. Anchorage, Alaska is far from average. The People are more friendly. The Communities are much safer. The Environment is much better. The Life is much more enjoyable. The wildlife is much more diverse and interesting.
Understanding that the world will always have hateful people everywhere you go, The ratio of hateful people in Alaska is far lower than that of Jackson, Tennessee. My biggest reason why I want to move:

I want an enjoyable life, for me and my children. I want something better than the cookie cutter lifestyle of 281 million other Americans.

The Opportunity to start anew, better, is here. Grab it.

One life to live, don't waste it.

I've set a goal.
The goal to life is to live your dreams. I've set a goal for Anchorage, Alaska. On August 3, 2004, my 19th birthday, I will depart Jackson, Tennessee. With $2,000 in my pocket, I will make my way, 55 hours, 4,200 miles, one week drive to Anchorage; to start a good life.
As my time passes to that date, I will record different events that lead up to it; what money I have saved, and so forth. I'm estimating, that with $2,000; I can make the $500 trip, and survive in the city for a period of, at most, two months; while I locate a job. It's a hard road to a better life.

But I won't give up.

I have this amazing friend. She is only 16, and she is incredibly headstrong. She won't take shit from anyone, and her favourite man in the world is Dr. Phil.

She has the biggest and bestest out look on life. "Stay positive! You only live life once so have fun. Don't give too much of a shit about anything!"

She was passionate about everything she did. Including her boyfriend...she was madly in love with him. If Jane was going to do something at all, she did it 123% and boy, she loved her boyfriend.

It was the most mature relationship i'd ever seen between a 16 and a 19 year old. He could drink, drive smoke, go to over age gigs. She was patient. He restricted himself. He also one day broke up with her.

Now im not sure if a book titled "The Worlds Biggest and Most Tragic Love Crimes" Was ever written, but if not, i'll write it, and on the cool inside dedication thingo, i'll dedicate it to him.

She was furious, a crying messy state, she became her own doppelganger! She was hating the world, throwing all his belongings in a box, and then in turn out of her window into the street (Did i mention she was theatrical?)

She went into re treat and came out of her dark scary shell. She came back into our lives, luminous, shining, and wearing new shoes. (It was obvious she went therapy shopping) She came up to me, sat down and said. "I'm fine. I realised the way i was acting was so childish, and hateful. I realised Dr. Phil would resent me, so i had no other choice but to get over it.

She stood up and walked away, leaving me to sit with my mouth open for the following hour. I was on the verge of tears at the simple thought that this strong willful, amazing person was my friend. What happened that night however, is the thing that pushed me over the edge.

This is taken straight out of Janes Online Journal, it is a letter dedicated to her bf, who without reason dumped her a few days prior. A little fact you might want to know is her dream is to own a branch of beautiful successfulk hotels, his is for his punk band to SUCCEED

to sweet cheeks

it was fun hey? yes we both no it kinda sucked for a while but what the hell hey? 4 and a half months of laughing crying naked play fights kissing fondling a great ass sex. it was fun we can both admit. it was ANNOYING we can both admit

did u ever think we were perfect for each other? that we were the same? i dont think i no two people who r even more different. i am about fun. im loud and obnoxious. im full on and passionate. i have a view "ITS LIFE? WHO GIVES A SHIT" i dont take shit seriously...never have never will.

its life and i have fun with it. i sing and dance in the rain and i have some of the best girlfriends any pop chick with punk friends could have. i love each of them, no matter about the past.

who wants to live a life ok "but they did that so i can do the same" how BORING! you will spend your whole life paying people back for their wrongs and no one will ever learn. FUCK revenge. its boring

you are punk. you are living the life of a punk 19 year old.. you spend to much money on nothing, you drive around, flirt have sex party to loud music and generally have a good time. what the future holds? fuck knows.... and in your life who the fuck cares? your having fun now. u can dream about the future till the cows come home. dreaming doesnt get you anywhere.


i am astonished by you sometimes, but i belive in u. because sadly i belive that everyone can do something more than sit at a job all day doing nothing and being payed... well just ok.

you need to not lie . you need to be honest. you always thought lieing to me will make me feel better in the end? i just wouldnt no so it wouldnt matter. but it did. it mattered and it didnt make me feel all to good and in the end got you into trouble

i gave you a mature relationship. when you fuck up y ou deal with being in trouble. when u lie and be deciteful you suffer. im sorry that life. u cant kill someone and go "oh ship woops i didnt mean it im sorry im sorry" coz it doesnt do dick in the justice system

be SOMEONE. be someone that you can admire more than anything. at the end of the day the only person you have is u. not your girl friend who is a nag . not your parents who dont understand. not your brother who is sorta weird and not your friends that cheat on their girlfirends all the time. you have YOU. you have YOU to fall back on. and when u do fall u will hope that at leats you will have something left in you so it doesnt make it so hard

if you belive in yourself and know that you can make a difference, people will follow you. they will support you and they will want to be involved in your life . they will love you and respect and trust you. doesnt that sound great! u can have everything in the palm of your hand Simon. you can have the world in the palm of your hand just like i showed you. bring the world to you. dont wait for it to come by itself.

i wish i could have made a difference. i wish i could have seen you shine. i wish our love had been stronng enough. i wish u and me could have been strong enough i will see u in 10 years on the stage at the big day out? i will give u the best suite at my hotel ok?

i hope it all works out and i cant give u anymore than my knowlege, hug and a VERY LOUD PUSHY AND FULL ON VOICE.


thats who i am and who i will always be :-)

it was just a bit much for you hey?

goodluck Simon. conquer it all


p.s dont become a stranger ok? maybe one day we will work it out and get back together. maybe not. but dont become another boyfriend whose name i cant remember ((hehe michael...????)) i SWEAR i will be there to see u shine

When I'm bored at work, my mind wanders. I ponder things that I forget by the time I get home

The first thing that strikes me when reading passages of the passion in the Bible is that, man oh man, here in our modern day world with our modern day religious teachings, Judas really gets the shaft. When I was growing up that man received NO sort of slack. And why not? After all, he sort of facilitated our salvation, did he not (I mean, if Christianity is your bag and all)? And yet he's considered quite a villain in your basic Sunday school curriculum.

Certainly it was part of God's plan that his son would die for our sins, and yet, he also gave all the players in the plan free will to play through and interpret events as they arose. It's sort of like "I have the script, but let's see what you do with the plot".

In fact, Jesus was given a choice to sacrifice himself or not. And through further and deeper Bible study and historical research it seems that near the end of his life, Christ became particularly antagonistic to rile people up emotionally and politically in preparation for his "big day", sort of the Howard Dean of Jerusalem. To the Jewish leaders of the time, he was a blasphemer, particulary since they had all gathered in Jerusalem for Passover, the holiest of holy days, a day not to be futzed with. After all, in those times there wasn't a temple in every city, so the High Holy Days called for a sort of mini-pilgrimage to the closest "Temple Town".

The more I think about it, it seems that Judas betrayed him not even thinking or considering for a moment that the Roman authorities would kill him. He probably thought Jesus was just going to jail and getting beaten for being a loudmouth.

When I was little and first learning about the passion, it was easiest to learn that the 'bad guys' in the story were Judas and Pontius Pilate. Of course a seven year old needs this sort of simplicity. But in truth it isn't so black and white. Pilate was a man that sought justice, and in fact tried several times to find a way to release Jesus from this torture, since he did NOTHING against Roman law. Judas is not considered "the grand asshole of the bible" either. In fact, in pictures of the last supper that I've seen, he's still given a halo. I have to believe that Judas' actions were his own. If we didn't have free will, I believe that movies like "The Burbs" wouldn't get made. The bottom line is that somehow, Jesus was going to be sacrificed, whether Judas betrayed him or not. Jesus DID predict that one would deny him three times, but could this be Jesus planting the idea in their heads?

In the end, what I think I draw from Judas is just another lesson Jesus wanted us to learn. A sort of living parable. Be careful in using the lives of others to serve your own purposes (gaining thirty pieces of silver) because it may end up destroying someone else.

I need a nap

I was thinking about life lists today - looming birthdays tend to do that to me. I realized that if I really want to start kicking things off my list, that I'd better get my ass in gear - it's a long list. 1) Hike the Pacific Crest Trail
2) Hike the Appalacian Trail
3) Sail from the Florida Keys to the Yucatan, stopping at all islands along the way. Hitching boats would be fine.
4) Ride horseback across the continental U.S. Preferably always on back roads. Be a bum along the way, as in, bum pasture and feed and camping spots from people I meet along the way.
5) Ride freights from Alaska to the lower 48.
6) Live in Juneau, or somewhere else near to arctic circle for a summer.
7) Hike across france, or at least Provence.
8) Go around the world.
9) Spend a summer in Florence, for Helen.
10) Sail in the Mediterranian.

I've already:
Fought forest fires
Ridden on the release tube of an air tanker
Flown a helicopter
Climbed Mt. Rainier
Skied down Mt. Adams.
Skied down Mt. Shasta.
Walked on Denali.
Lived in Alaska.
Climbed Outer Space.
Climbed Godzilla.
Had a baby.
Had cancer.
Gotten married (twice).
Gotten divorced (once, DV).
Sailed in the Carribean.
Visited the Nine Ladies.
Been on an archaeological dig.
Run a project with a budget over 9 million dollahs.
Tipped over a sailboat.
Had knee surgery (twice), tonsils gone (once), gone Amazonian (once), many crowns, nearsighted as hell. Trying not to lose any more body parts.
Travelled to far places.
Butchered a hog.
Buried loved ones.
Gotten bachelor's degrees and master's degrees. PhD?
More later.

Looks like I'd better get busy. What are yours?
I've been researching pedophilia as part of a longer, seperate essay. it is proving difficult. If you want statistics on murder all you have to do is simple google search using the terms "murder statistics". I did that and within minutes found myself at a web site where i could access any number of studies by the Justice Department, and even one place where I could design my own statistical analysis of said studies, and run crosstabs and a multiple regression online.

But if do the same seach using the term 'pedophilia statistics' you get page after page of Christian Fundamentalist web sites. The data they provide does not exactly inspire confidence. i have enough experience with strongly ideological people to know they studiously avoid any information which contradicts their tender sense of reality. In other words, there's a whole lot of bearing false witness going on. Consider this little tidbit: the bold assertion that "100% of all child molesters are homosexuals" which led on to a rant about why gay people should not be allowed to teach school.

That was typical. i found a lot of information on child pornography, almost all of which spoke of strong correlation between the use of child pornography and child molestation.

Duh! I've been to gay bar or two with my brother. I remember one where they were showing this soft-core pornography of young, muscle-bound men dressed in togas and leading horses around. It was pretty darned funny. I have enough curiousity to pick some gay magazine and page through it to see where they are coming from. But as a heterosexual male the probability of me subscribing to Blueboy is precisely zero. On the other hand, the odds of my subscribing to Playboy is pretty darned good, as i purchase a subscription about once every decade.

The problem with using a raw correlation between two variables as proof of causality is simple, it's the old 'chicken and egg' question. Which comes first? While a significant correlation is necessary to establish causality, correlation alone says nothing about causal ordering.

in other words, putting the egg before the chicken.

A person may seek out child pornography in order to satisfy a pre-existing prediliction. Saying that child pornography drove someone to pedophiliia is logically identical to saying that my heterosexuality comes from my Playboy subscription. No one would argue that Playboy drove me to chase women, yet such statements are often repeated with regards to pedophilia or any other form of perceived sexual deviation.

More serious researchers seem to suggest that pedophilia is really a 'third sexuality''; that the attraction is not to man or woman but child. If so this is very troubling. Homosexual sex between adults is not inherently harmful, but then adults are quite capable of giving informed consent. Children are not, and having dated a couple women who were molested (by a male parent), I've gained a real appreciation of the damage that sort of betrayal entails.

The 'third sexuality' argument might add some credence to the weaker claims of the radical right, that a disproportionate number of child molestations takes place between and an adult and a child of the same gender. But not for the reason the New Right thinks; Rather the issue is probably one of access. In America, sexual segregation is very common when raising children. Women are often left in charge of children of all ages and genders, but men are generally left alone with boys. If the adults break down evenly by gender, men get the boys, women with the girls.

This simply makes it easier for the pedophile to establish trust with an intended victim of the same sex. And molestation requires privacy. Orgies just don't happen. If pedophiles can only get close contact with their own sex, then their own sex is what they will molest.

A further problem is raised. if pedophilia is a third sexuality, then how do you deal with it? Christian fundamentalists argue all the time that homosexuality can be cured, though the evidence they offer to support this characterized primarily by its weakness. If homosexuality cannot be 'cured', then why should we expect any more from pedophilia? If there was a real attraction to adults of either gender, then perhaps something might be done.

But if pedophilia cannot be 'cured' as I suspect, then what can we do as a society to deal with a group of people whose attraction we can all agree is harmful? The answer to that question will take a lot more research.

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