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My dad has cancer.  Again.

Six years ago he won a brief battle with stomach cancer.  He was 80.

We've spent six years breathing sighs of relief every time his oncologist check-ups come back okay.

Now it's his liver.  This in a guy who only drank on holidays and at weddings. (It shoulda happened to me, the lush).

My brother and I are convinced that our mother's constant nagging and dysfunctional selfishness caused his stomach cancer, and that it has to do with this new obstacle he must overcome. There's nothing we can do for a man who chooses to stay married to a person like that.

I've felt sad for dad before.  The day he was "downsized" at age 68.  He seemed to take it well, promising to just continue with his life (and he did). I felt angry and sad for him. When he slid off the road in his car, without a cell phone, and had to walk a mile to phone for help (at age 75), I felt sad for him. Neither of these two occasions were life-threatening for him.  Yet I felt sad for him. This cancer business is, indeed, life-threatening.  And once again, I find myself in my office with the door closed hiding my sobs from the rest of the world. 

It may sound selfish, but as one who suffers depression I must also be extra careful to take care of myself first and foremost, and not let the emotions surrounding this news get me down.

I don't know whether I'm still numb (I just found out today) or whether I'm internalizing the stoic, cheerful exterior I'm putting on for customers and co-workers.  I should be crying more.  It's cathartic. Perhaps it's just denial working its complex machinations.  I do feel sad, anxious, and generally helpless.  Damn it, everyone always comes to me seeking answers, seeking assistance.  When it comes to cancer, I'm clueless.  All I know is that I want to wave a magic wand and make his cancer go away. I want to be powerful, but I'm powerless.  I'd trade places with him in a minute, if I could.  But I can't.

What a peculiar coincidence that I've only recently found E2, but chose this forum upon which to inscribe my rant.  In the short time I've been here, I've read some really remarkable stuff; fiction and factual.  Perhaps some of the scientists here can give me a clue as to the latest in liver cancer research and treatments. Aw, there are no coincidences. It's God proving that he's not going to put so much on my plate I can't swallow it all, eventually.  Thank goodness I have a faith that comforts me.

But then again, if my faith were that strong, I wouldn't feel this way, would I?

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