"Any free time not spent making money is unprofitable time."
In all my passion about things of a political nature I have forgotten to keep readers posted on developments in other areas of my important life. This is inexcusable and to punish myself for this mistake I have recently done things to permanently scar my body while sitting on the toilet. These scars will remind me of the error of my ways.
As you know, I am employed as an unqualified remedial science teacher and a slightly less unqualified substitute gym teacher in the Greater Baltimore School System. I only have three classes per day and because the school computers do not let me access pornography, I am left with large periods of time to fill or become bored with self and looking at twiddling thumbs. About a week ago I came up with a grand plan. The plan in question involves posing as a trustworthy school counselor, posting notices on bulletin boards announcing my presence, and encouraging students to trust me with very sensitive personal information. I then use this information to extort money from them as once I have the sensitive information I sit back, clasp my hands behind my bald head, grin broadly and explain that the information they have trusted me with (as I am trustworthy enough to trust with sensitive information) will be revealed to parents, police, or other persons who would crucify the trusting student if they knew the information I was being trusted with. This good plan has so far netted me $3,452.23 in addition income this month and I plan to expand my operations in the coming months with an expected monthly income bump of between $5,000 and $10,000. Not bad for an employee of the public school system which is not broken when we see how effective a good moneymaking plan can be!
Since the status of my relationship with my girlfriend is questionable as I am uncertain whether I am willing to make a commitment given that she keeps telling me about "giving head" to drug dealers to repay debts accumulated while being a junkie, my good friend Chopper and I have discussed a plan to get your friend Behr a more reliable girlfriend, one I know can cook, clean and pull herself together for social events.
I have in the past told you about my former friend Dale and his wife, who flirted with me often and would sometimes "accidently" rub a breast against your friend Behr's shoulder or allow her skirt to ride high on the thigh to show delicious, smooth thigh meat to Behr's hungry eyes. Well, after telling friend Chopper some of the tales regarding Dale's wife, he has taken the time and effort to explain to me that these behaviors have made Dale's wife rightfully mine. Because Dale threw me out of his house during the holidays due to my playfulness in placing my personal items, meaning testicles, in a serving dish being used to distribute deviled eggs, and then filed a restraining order against his good friend Behr, I am also well within my rights to set things right with Dale, his wife and myself (Behr).
Chopper and Behr (me) are making the preparations this weekend for an operation worthy of Navy Seals. We will put on all black outfits, smear grease paint on our faces, and in the dead of night break into Dale's house, subdue Dale and abduct his wife. Then, after we get her to an undisclosed location, we will set to deprogramming her (as we are certain she has been brainwashed and forced by Dale against her will to not be Behr's girlfriend). Once the deprogramming is complete, she will certainly want to become Behr's girlfriend, especially after the wonder of seeing Behr's personal items in a tray full of deviled eggs during the holiday season.
Friendship with Chopper has truly changed my (Behr's) life and opened my eyes to the truth that is out there. Praise the Lord for bringing Chopper into my lonely life, as not only do I have a true friend with straight up political views and agendas, but one who is helping me to have a real girlfriend.