Why do we get erections?
Hi, my name is Award Winning Columnist and Resident of Hades on Politically Motivated Leave to the abovegroundworld who is also a Fully Tenured Professor of Ethics, Berhardt Goats (friends call me Behr).
The false thing called "science" tries to tell us insistently over the telephone that it is because the blood flow is routed to the man meat (some man meat is downright gorgeous - don't you agree? Call me and we'll talk). This is hogwash. It is because it is time to stick it in something and men have the right to stick it immediately into the first living being they see that they can grab hold of and wrestle to the ground or pin against a wall.
And that is the way it is. Facts. Learn them.
This is why we have such issues with people getting all worked up about erections and what is being done with them. Recently we had the "Me Too" movement which had one man saying "I get an erection" and another saying "Me too." This was how we celebrated "Me Too" at the Straight White Men's Cultural Center last year before the corrupt Obama-era FBI came swooping in like a skydiver or a Spiderman and shot the place up and gunned down our fearless leader with the manly physique, Brandon Hitler (former boyfriend of Noder Nemo who is still grieving bless her soul). We showed each other what happens when we get an erection (through careful penis examination from two to three inches away) and hugged afterwards "unusually pantless" as the internet kiddies say in their slang language - which is similar to jive talking in the 1970s which was popularized by erstwhile black troubadors, The Bee Gees (wholesome band outlawed by liberalism and its causes).
So, if you have an erection, show it to a buddy, and if you see "something you like" when you have an erection, make sure to show her too. My method involves tapping a woman on the shoulder after sneaking up behind her, clasping my strong X-Man type hand on her shoulder, forcing her to turn around while I said, "I see something I like," licking my lips and nodding downward until she looks because it is out at that point. I haven't had a lot of success with women in the past 40 years but I was married once to a woman who was cheating on me all the time and I have gotten close to consummating with several prostitutes since then (without much luck).
It has nothing to do with "science" which will be illegal in this country in 3-5 years guaranteed and we will turn back to proven methods of figuring out why things are doing different things (Clue: It sure AS FUCK isn't science I tell you that). If science was "real" then I would be having sex right now because science says it is needed to procrastination and I've been doing a lot of procrastinating lately (it took me weeks to travel across Europe earlier this year - what gives, bro?) and at the same time I have not been getting any sex, but I now know what mace tastes like. Both kinds.
Recently, I went to a convention of some kind and there were all these people dressed up in freaky costumes, so I ran into the place with my erection prominently displayed and some whack job hit me in the face with a big medieval club called "a mace" and then a lady sprayed me with a can of mace. Therefore, this was a dual experience with mace that covers all the bases. I am going to be fine because I am strong and pull myself up by the bootstraps and practice rugged individualism.
My friends.
#BehrinPhilly2019