I found not the perfect place but one that would do, and after as much searching as I've done, that's enough.
A little over five acres, plenty of room for fruit trees, mature timber, set back on a private loop road, and a house just big enough for me and the occasional guest. It needs a lot of work. A lot. And I have ever so barely enough cash coming in from my little adventure that I can afford to drop a new roof, bathroom, kitchen, floors right into it while I clean up the absolute shit-sty the current owners were leaving behind. The timing is perfect - the invoices start rolling in right after close, and I spent a month lining up a roofer, an excavator, and framer to update the windows. The rest - cabinets, floors, tile - I can do myself, one room at a time - not that there are all that many rooms.
And the sellers... Left for California a week ago and quit answering their phone. Their agent can't reach them, and they've abandoned the sale, leaving me out the ~$2000 or so in inspections, title searches, appraisal fees, and so forth. I guess they were so excited to move on to whatever place they're going to trash next that fulfilling the sales contract they signed wasn't worth their time. My guy figures they'll end up getting half of what I offered whenever they get their heads out of their asses, trying to sell a derelict property from out of state to an all-cash lowballer. And yet another affordable, modest house in Vermont will get torn down and replaced with a millionaire vacation home.
I've tried every single avenue, every angle, every arrangement and iteration available to me to buy what I need, and I've concluded that doing so is just not possible by a thin financial margin that might as well be an ocean. I learned the hard way a long time ago that trying to compete financially with the ruling class is not a viable approach for me, and there doesn't seem to be an end to the residential real estate that they're willing to snatch up.
I can't buy what I need, so, I'm just going to have to make it myself.
The cash I have coming in will cover the down payment on a decent ten acres on the current market, and a bandsaw mill and the shack to put it in.
It will take a couple of years. Hell, I have to wait until next winter to cut the trees, even if I saw them in the spring, they'll need a year to season, but that's OK. I don't see prices coming down enough in that amount of time to make a difference.
Feudalism is making a return, and I would rather be a poor freeman than a fat serf.