display | more...

I finally mailed back the last of my ex's belongings. I've been meaning to do it since December. It's the sort of thing that weighs on the mind until not doing it becomes more stressful than just fucking doing it. That was two days ago. I can't believe how relieved I feel. 

The huge purple candle he gave me finally burned out. I took the leftover bits of wax, re-melted them, and mixed them with white wax to make two small chunk candles: one purple with white chunks of wax, one white with purple chunks of wax. I'll burn the mostly-purple one first, then the mostly-white one. Then I'll be done with it forever and buy a new candle. The one I have my eye on is made of soy wax and smells like pine needles.

Had an appointment on the phone with my doctor this morning. I asked her to lower my dose. She agreed and gave me a one-month prescription with one refill. If anything goes wrong, I'll call her. It was never my plan to be on antidepressants for this long (is it ever anyone's plan?), but at this point I'm afraid of what might happen if I go off them completely. I've been in and out of counseling since age 14, on and off medication since age 21 or 22, I forget exactly when. Someone here on E2 said that depression warps your sense of time. I can't find the write-up now, which is unfortunate because of how well they described that phenomenon. All the days blend together. Certain periods of my life are a blank in my memory. I don't remember how many doctors or counsellors I've gone to or when I saw them.  I don't remember what medications I've taken before. I have no idea how long I've been on this one. Maybe I should look through my old journals and find out.

Anyway, the point is that I'm feeling more like myself lately. I think it helps that I created a Master List and a system for actually completing it. Between now and November 20, 2020, I've finished 25 out of 53 items. That's in addition to the newer to-do items that pop up: hand-bind a sketchbook, make new candles, check the oil in my car, and so on. I've since written up a new Master List that combines older tasks with the newest ones. The real trick is balancing everything so I don't get burnt out. My concentration and mental/emotional stamina isn't the greatest. I have trouble starting large or unfamiliar projects. I have a fear of fucking things up, even when it doesn't matter if I fuck up. I'm training my brain to shut up and just do it. It seems to be working so far.

Now for the Big News. Or at least, it's big for me. I'm getting braces in three weeks. I've hated my teeth for as long as I can remember. I've put off treatment for years because none of my health insurance plans (when I had them) have covered the cost. But I'm now in a position where I can afford it. I have to dig into my home-downpayment savings, but oh well. We're in lockdown half the damn year, and when I do go out I'm wearing a mask. Except for at work, because we're outside and not interacting with anyone. So yeah, hardly anyone will see my wire-covered mouth. I'll have them on for 18 months, then 3 months of a retainer 24/7, then 3 months of the retainer at night only. Then a wire will be attached behind my teeth. I'm spending the extra $500 for the clear brackets. The orthodontist suggested I also get jaw surgery, but that's only if I want my teeth to look perfect. I probably won't do it. I don't want surgery, nor do I want to pay for it. He said I can decide later. The braces will go on the same way regardless.

So the next big item on my list is filing my taxes. After that, I'll start to seriously look into my options for moving out. The housing costs in my area have skyrocketed because of COVID-19. Too many city people moving here, not enough houses to sell. It's depressing as fuck, but that's how it is. Suck it up, Buttercup. I plan to work extra hours this summer. I also have ideas for a possible side hustle. It won't happen anytime soon. I'm letting the ideas percolate. I can't overthink it, or it'll be too forced. Gotta let my instincts do what they want. They'll figure it out so long as I give them room to play.

It's bright and windy outside today. The avocado plant on the windowsill has new leaves. I'll probably go to the office supply store this afternoon to pick up coloured dot stickers for my weekly planner. The roads have less snow than usual, bare pavement with patches of slush and ice. At least one more storm will hit before spring is here for good. In the meantime, I'll start the tomato seeds and moonflower seeds indoors and wait for the last frost. 

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.