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Masshole drivers’ rules of the road:

1) The rules in the DMV handbook are merely suggestions, as are Stop signs and Yield signs.

2) At all times you are allowed to pull out in front of another car, even if it’s dangerously close, because you are special. Try to do this when there are NO cars behind the oncoming car.

3) When you have pulled out in front of this car it is OK, sometimes even mandatory, to go10 mph below the speed limit.

4) You always have the right-of-way; also it is a nice gesture to give the other person the right-of-way, even if it is clearly yours.

5) If you’re driving slow and on the right hand side of the lane, don’t go slow enough or far enough to the right for people to pass you, because this would only make sense. Instead, you should accumulate a line of approximately 15 cars behind you and make them wait.

6) When driving on the highway, the left lane is definitely for traveling. It is recommended for you to go 60 mph, and let people pass you using the center lane.

7) Also on the highway, whenever you can you should try to form a barricade with other cars (meaning you and two other cars driving below the speed limit, to drive next to each other thus forming a line) in order to prevent other cars from passing you.

8) When attempting to turn left, disregard oncoming traffic and try to take up the as much of the right lane as possible. (Also, 10 ft. of space between you and the oncoming car is plenty of space to turn left.)

9) Traffic lights need not hinder your progress.

10) However if you aren’t in any hurry, you needn’t worry about paying attention to when the light turns green, especially if you are first in line at the intersection.

11) And for parking, don’t worry about centering the car in the space; if you take up too much room and the space next to you is too small for any car, they can just find another space. Because you’re in a hurry and don’t have the time to worry about small details like being courteous.

12) And most importantly, there is no need for you to use turn signals.

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