May 22, 2002

My views on Nuclear Arms

As America and the rest of the world sign new agreements that limit their own nuclear capabilities, terrorists and small countries have increasing access to them. Can I ask you, are we moving forward or are we moving ourselves backwards while others pull ahead? Why do we need to set back our own research on these weapons because other nations deem them a threat? These nations SHOULD feel threatened.

The cold war proved that not even the next strongest country in the world could keep up with the United States. The Soviet Union's flimsy and unpredictable communist government crumbled when it tried to compete with an impregnable American military. If we downgrade our military arsenal of nuclear weapons, we leave ourselves open to attacks from all kinds of countries. This limiting of our nuclear arms has inhibited research on new types of long-range ballistic missiles.

Nuclear weaponry is a must in not only defending our country, but also taking our world back to where we started. The need for a thermonuclear holocaust is very evident. The world needs to be cleansed of its ungrateful scum that we call humans and what a way to do it than with the raining down of Nuclear Weapons. The life of a wasteland warrior would be much more simple than that of your average American. The only concern of a survivor would be that of knowing if the person or mutant next to them wants to shoot them for their pretty gold necklace.

The day that America had its own Communist party was the day that the American people should have stood up and said, scale up nuclear arms and make this cold war hot. I think that if people knew what it would be like to roam the wastelands after humanity had been wiped out, that more people would be taking this view on nuclear weapons. The people of today are too soft. This kind of nuclear war would be just what the doctor ordered.

While most of the worldly population would be destroyed in the blast and many others would be killed off by the radiation, the real survivors and tough people would rise out of the destruction to reign over the world, as it should be ruled. For these reasons, we need to believe in our atom splitting and believe in our military. For, without a military we would not have our atom bombs.

In short: I'm back

The long story goes like this -
About 3 months ago, I realised that I was spending more time on e² than revising for my finals and doing my dissertation project. I decided that it would be best that I give my girlfriend access to my account so she could change the password and email to something I couldn't get. Access was to be reliquished after I had finished my last exam - yesterday!

Here follows a brief account of my celebrations.
9pm - meet friends from Bar XS in the Orange Grove, Fallowfield.
3 pints later, go to Robinskis, also in Fallowfield.
2am - meet boss from work, with assorted other staff, and head back to said bar for a swift pint.
7:45am - get out of the bar, having had a lot more to drink (a couple of bottles/hour - /me is pissed)
7:50 - Get the full english breskfast from Happy Days kebab shop and retire to a lonely campus computer room.
The rest is history!

Last Wednesday, I was already feeling somewhat down and clingy when Dan and I got home from Sci of Sci-Fi at about 9:40pm or so. This was very quickly exacerbated by the fact that Dan annouced that he was going to go watch the 12:01am showing of Star Wars: Episode II in Pickerington, OH with Ross, Debi, Brian, Chrissa, Nick, and William. Dan came in, told me he was leaving, kissed me on the top of the head, and was gone.

I think I'd started to cry before the front door even closed all the way.

I cried until I physically could not cry any longer. (About 3 hours.) During that time, I wrote the 2 poems that you will find in my 2 preceeding w/u's. It wouldn't have been so bad if I had just cried myself out, and been done with it. But no, my brain has to be all fucked up, and get stuck in a repeating loop.

For hours, my brain repeated a litany of worthless, unwanted, left behind, they don't want to spend time with you, you run away and now they don't want you and several other, even less complimentary thoughts. The only way I could make the repeating loop pause for awhile was to make myself just as depressed, but about something else. If the depression has another focus, the first one gets temporarily pushed aside. Thus we have a 4-hour long playlist of the most depressing mp3s I have.

I listened to that list twice through before Dan got home at 6am.

I explained what was running around in my brain after I let Dan read Left Behind and Shards, and he then spent the next half hour attempting to apologize and console me; attempting to convince me that I am not worthless, etc.

It really didn't work. The repeating litany is still there, it's just a bit lower in volume. I can keep the volume turned down, as long as I keep moving, concentrating on other situations/people/problems.

But then we have today's mental meltdown.

Everything just kind of converged on me at once today: that I have too many bills/items requiring my money, and too little money to cover it all (and certainly not enough hours at work to get the money), that there are too many people who require my attention for one thing or another and too little of me free to accomodate them all at once, that there are simply not enough hours in the day for me to go to classes, go to work, study/do homework, do housework, be there for everyone who needs me, and get anything resembling a decent amount of sleep, let alone have a social life. I just cannot handle it. I have to handle so very much, all the time, and I just can't anymore.

As much as it hurts to admit this, given how much I've always prided myself on being able to take care of myself and others, I need someone to take care of me. Today I found myself wishing for a moment that I was back in high school, living with mom, not working and having only to worry about getting my homework in on time.

I know, 'this is the real world, grow up and deal with it.' I am trying.

I did manage to make it home from psychology class (which was, ironically, studying 'stress & anxiety' in lecture tonight) before having my mental meltdown and flying into little tiny pieces that are currently scattered about my house. Dan is slowly attempting to pick up the pieces and put me back together, but it may take awhile. Especially with this still-repeating litany in my head.

I think my friends know, I follow people yes, I might even be accused of being a stalker, but I'm not. I know I'm not cause I don't actually have any intentions whatsoever. Right guys?

Anyway, I went to my lecture today and was sorely disappointed when I realized that bike-girl wasn't there. I haven't been following her or anything, it's just that she seems to be everywhere I go. And not to mention almost ran me over with her bike two times. I think I may be obsessed.

I actually think that the girl is stalking me. I'm not even following her but I see her everywhere. The second time that she almost hit me I had left class two hours early and I was heading to my friend's dorm. Of course since she rides a bike I can't follow her. But for some reason I accidentally or fortunately found out where she was staying. I had my suspicions before but now they are confirmed.

So now she has my curiousity completely peaked for some reason, so I was just sad that she didn't show up in class today. Not to mention the fact that she sits with a friend and each day she is sucessfully closer to where I am sitting. But since she wasn't there today her friend moved back or was sitting where they had started which was farther away in the same row.

I feel that this is a somewhat creepy daylog. When I told my friend about this girl she and he and a bunch of others started screaming "Not AGAIN!" SIGH. It's not like I do it all the time!

I also made a new friend in class today. This time a girl in addition to the five guys that I have already made friends with named: Jonathan, Peter, Matthew, Mark, and Eli. Yes I find this very disturbing.

Oh it is also my bestfriend's b-day today! Yay! I got her Mulholland Drive I hope no one else got it for her!

I went back to work today for the first time in a month. Trial was stressful, and I still don't have a verdict, but my job is stable and the routine will help me take my mind off things.

I got to work as usual, and found that my manager, Elizabeth, was ignoring me. I thought this was a little weird, since it was my first day back from trial, but she gets into these moods where she doesn't want to talk to anyone, so at first I didn't think anything of it. The mood built, though. She sniped at me when I made a crack about my prosecutor. She ignored me when we were both talking to my ex. She gets in these moods.

After my ex leaves, she comes into the back room where I'm working. She tells me that we have to talk about my schedule. She tells me that one of our suppliers closed, got bought out by Ingram, and that she was first upset and then realized that it was a unique opportunity to hire people, and by the way, I'm not scheduled after Friday.

I've had this job on and off for 8 years. I started when I turned 18, and I've worked here pretty much whenever I've been in town. I work hard and I know the merchandise. I know more about the comics than anyone else here. I'm the only person to do anything with the back issues in 7 years. I'm more competent than any of the part timers who work here, several of whom would like to reduce their hours. I've never fucked anything up significantly. I almost never fuck up in general.

What makes this creepier is that we've been friends outside of work. We made our halloween costumes together. We went to a mutual friend's birthday party together. We played games and helped each other with broken cars. We've never been on bad terms, at work or outside it.

So I'm home. I don't have my verdict yet. I'm over my head in debt from the trial. I haven't worked in a month. I already can't pay my bills. I come back to my job, the only non-academic job I've ever been better than indifferent to, to find out that my former manager, who I thought was my friend, has stabbed me in the back. She knows I need the money, knows I can't pay my bills. She doesn't offer me part time work, doesn't offer to try to work something out with me, doesn't offer me Wednesday mornings, when new comics come in and we're always shorthanded. She doesn't wish me luck, doesn't offer me severance, no goodbye present, not even the platitudes I usually get ("you're so smart, we're sure you'll find something else"), just says they'll call if they need someone to fill in, not that I'm obligated, of course. She doesn't even apologize for it.

I'm too shocked to say anything. Later I want to ask her if she'll write a letter to my creditors, saying that it's her fault I can't pay my bills, but she's sure they'll understand about the unique hiring opportunity she had.

Next: May 23, 2002.
Previous: May 16, 2002.