What was I thinking?

I've gone celibate for a while. As I don't have a boyfriend or even an FTF, this would seem like an easy thing to do. However, as an experiment, I've extended celibacy to include masturbation. This is not a wise move. All I can think about is wanting to.

My reasons are many and called legion. First, health. Bad idea to have sex with just anyone. Second, I thought "why not give my body a break from sexual impulses?" only to find that the impulses haven't gone away--they've multiplied, and now I haven't given myself an outlet.

If you have any suggestions, /msg me.

Why does this sound like a troll?

Our COO is having interviews with everyone in the company this week. (That should tell you how small our company is). Anyhow, mine was today. Although my boss has come back to reality, I still was very honest with the COO about the situation. It was a very positive conversation and the COO said I should talk with him more often. We'll see. The best news was that he said his personal prerequisite for our new office was enclosed offices for everyone. Maybe we will have to share with one other person, but that is much better than the current open-air environment.

Meanwhile, I'm scrambling to get one of my coworkers up to speed on what I'm monitoring, since I'm going to DC for a 4-day Memorial Day weekend. Woohoo!

I went to my arraignment on Monday, and it was weird.

I have 14 codefendants, almost none of whom I had ever seen before the hearing, and none of whom I know at all. Only one of them, the other observer, seems to have his shit together.

At the hearing, it really hit me that almost no one knows how to dress or behave for a court date. Most of my codefendants wore their punk gear, some with black armbands that were probably supposed to show solidarity or something, many with facial piercings still in. They were accompanied by punk kids ostensibly there in support, but who were actually very disruptive. The supporters had to be told repeatedly to take hats off, and the judge threatened to have them removed if they couldn't control their coughing. I couldn't get over how they were doing exactly what the prosecutor wanted them to do and seemed to be totally oblivious to it. I'm sure they think I'm a whore for wearing a suit and being quiet, but I know that one of the best things I can do is convince the court that I am not what they think I am - when I entered the courtroom in my suit, everyone assumed I was an attorney, not a defendant, and they treated me with respect.

Back to the case. Because of the conspiracy charge, each defendant has to have a unique attorney. Between the 15 of us, we had 3 attorneys, one of whom was private council hired by some guy's parents. The attorneys moved to have the arraignment postponed a month so the court can try to scare up some more legal council, which costs the city money. Red tape may kill this case. I'm hoping it does; I'm still scared all the time even though I know I shouldn't be. The waiting is awful, and it's hard to go on with my life.

One of my fellow arrestees got this from Rage Against the Machine:

"The members of Rage Against the Machine want to express their solidarity with the Long Beach May Day protesters as they face their respective days in court. Just like the local police during protests against the WTO, IMF, World Bank, and Democratic and Republican national conventions, the Long Beach police assaulted and arrested the May Day demonstrators on the flimsiest of pretenses in order to silence their dissident voices. A system that will honor an individual's rights only when it is safe and convenient to do so, is the very definition of hypocrisy. We also call on all people who support civil rights and abhor police brutality to likewise stand in support of these protesters.

Thank you
Rage Against the Machine"

Sometimes I think I might just turn into a hamburger.

A turbelent two days. Found out that my plans to move to Long Island have been waylaid by the fact that Skywalker
is going to Jordan for 3 weeks of June, then to Vegas
for the week after...leaving po' ole Garryn nowhere to go. But that has been taken care of, thank any and all ambigous outer powers. Spent Tuesday and this evening with Quantum Faery, heretofore refered to as QF. Little libra goth girl that's stolen a bit of my heart, and she knows it. Tonight as I was making a smoking implement for her roommate, she looks at me and says "I'm glad to see how you made theirs versus how you made mine". She gets puzzled look. "I mean, how you made mine shows me that I'm not just another one, just another person." Okay, make a friend a bowl and it all comes out. Duh. Sadly enough, 8 years never seemed so small a difference in age, or loomed so large. I told her the other night I was glad, for the sake of our friendship, that I was leaving. I am. But she I'll miss sorely..more so than others I thought I would more. Life goes on, one long merry song, right? And once I come up to the Great White North(or as I hear, Great Wet North) I shall run from Libras as I once did Scorpios. Tired of confusion, of wanting things that don't want me, of needing people that don't need me. Man, cancers of the world, UNITE! Still can't sleep, insomnia seems funs at first, ya know, all those extra hours to do things, beside sleep. Four nights in a row is a bit much, though. Any ideas? Waiting for the thunder is driving me mad. Out of the year and a half I've been roasting here in Floriduh, I've been through so many damn people, and finailly that I've found the two people I'm fully comfortable with, QF and Thor, I'm leaving. There is a third, but she tromped off :) Soon, baby, soon. I'm ready. Are you?


Yesterday's bad news: I produced my first CD-R coaster.

In the end of the work day, I burned all cool stuff I had found from the net on CD-R (To make sure: my CD-R, not stolen from the Company =). This included MP3s of Final Fantasy V: Dear Friends.

So... when I came home, I decoded the MP3s and wanted to burn them as a normal audio CD. I didn't notice that I hadn't removed this CD-R and put a blank one in.

Result: CD player didn't think it was an audio CD (one track, nothing). CD-ROM didn't think it had a filesystem.

Moral: Always mark the CD-Rs. And use CD burning applications that have version number 0.x with extreme care. =)

Yesterday's good news: I discovered VirtualDub and a tool called avi2vcd. Now my video capture and editing can continue.

I captured one TV commercial yesterday... the sort of stuff I would give the advertising awards to.

Today?... Not much. yet.


Oo, I seem to have broken the 8000 XP limit. Wait, I'll get the glue. ... there! It's still splintered, but at least in one piece! Gotta go, bye...


To continue the "Stupid Quotes Are The Foundation Of Our Business" thing:

"Whoah... I did cat /dev/video0 > /dev/fb0 and I think I saw a doG..."


My whole week has not been that excellent. The day was ruined... I failed in being nice toward fellow user.

I hate myself.

I don't want to be aggressive.

I don't want to be angry at anyone.

I'm sorry that I sometimes cannot contain the rage and innocent people suffer.


Titanic on TV. Ate noodles. This paragraph may or may not be utterly boring.

I think I'm sort of getting less sad.

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: Final Fantasy V: Dear Friends Kullervo

Yesterday's belated news: VirtualDub

root@badtz simonc# date
Thu May 24 19:56:28 EST 2001

I went into my new office today, at midday, to start to get my desk etc in order (I've got an interesting new job, y'see). Although I don't start at the new place until Monday, I did drop them a line this morning to say I'd be in at 12 to start to sort my environment out.

When I arrived, at around 12:20pm, the staff and CEO had a spread laid out on the boardroom table -- a home-baked chocolate cake, decorated with the wording "Welcome Simon", Iced VoVo biscuits, strong black plunger coffee, and a big bunch of flowers (native Aussie blooms). Smiles and sincere handshakes all round, we all sat and ate cake. I was grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

I felt so welcomed, and appreciated. Lions love that.

I spent a few hours there, left at 4pm and came home via the supermarket to get the fixins for dinner.

Looking forward to my actual starting day! If it's as cool as the dress rehearsal, I'm on a winner... Committed, passionate people rock.

Today's music: Kraftwerk
Today's beverage: Becks Bier
Today's trousers: Trent Nathan jeans, grey.

We have a cricket in the office somewhere!

And it's chirping its happy little heart out.

You see we have potted plants hanging in the office and the chirping is coming from one of them.

Well the chirping has stopped now but it was there earlier when I came to work. And it's awsome. Puts a smile on my face and makes me happy.

Well gotta go back to work.

oooh, the chirping is back! yaay.

Ahhhh the happy things in life...

Sometimes you'll be sitting there and your mind will wander on the happy things in life. Yes some things SUCK and are just terrible but you always have to stop and smell the roses. Although some will say Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns but trust me they really smell the roses. So here is a list of HAPPY things for today.

  • Sitting on a blanket with my daughter waiting for my wife to bring home Chicken Caesar Salad sandwiches from Wawa
  • Knowing that you have the skills to provide food, shelter and other stuff for your family
  • Baby food fight!
  • Still in love after all these years
  • Still horney after all these years
  • Washing your car AFTER the pollen season
And there is SO much more that somedays I just sit and smile. Except when I do that some people think I'm thinking about a dinner with the Other other white meat.

My daughter can't see a specialist for 6 months because they are backed up that far. My daughter is NOT stupid or under/over disciplined but she is behind in school. Everybody who can help her says it will be several months before we can get an appointment. Kindergarten starts in the fall and My daughter is 5 ( 6 in September) and will not be ready.

Had an inital phone interview with a recruiter. He was very excited about my skills and may have several positions for me to choose from. Hey maybe I can even get the 4 weeks of vacation I love.

Well off to work. I wonder what is in store for me today.

It's finally finished. I have spent waaaay too much time working on this one metanode which seemed like a good idea at the time I thought it up, but now is of dubious merit (I'm not going to name it, for I do believe that nodevertising is a nasty and brutish habit). It was interesting (and by that, I mean interesting to me) to follow my emotional development over the last ten days as I worked up this node.

  • Phase 1: Giddy excitement, as I figured that I might have hit upon a subject needing organization in the E2 database. I also figured that it might help me find the holes in the information contained therein for future noding purposes.
  • Phase 2: Mild shock over the sheer amount of information contained in E2. Initial discouragement, but pluckiness of spirit helps maintain courage.
  • Phase 3: Frustration and anger of the number of redundant nodes and amount of frivolous information contained in ~85% of the nodes visited.
  • Phase 4: Fear and loathing towards the metanode, as it spirals out of control. Serious consideration of scrapping project, erasing file, formatting hard drive in order to prevent recovery and further wasting of time.
  • Phase 5: Sheer stubbornness and anger maintains focus, determined not to let 15 hours of work go down the tubes.
  • Phase 6: Development of intense dislike for Aesop and his f-ing fables, all of which contain some reference to the subject matter in question.
  • Phase 7: Wistful pondering of the use of similie and metaphor, and why metanode subject matter is so heavily used in aforementioned literary devices.
  • Phase 8: Nearly post-orgasmic let down as metanode is posted
Now, to see if I can pull myself out of the ditch and into the real world. Perhaps a quick walk might help....


My girlfriend comes home today! So my girlfriend is visiting a friend in L.A. and has been gone 6 days. In my phone conversation with her last night she admitted that she has been stalking me online. She said I talk about her too much. So I'm making it a point to talk about her here.. ;-).

I skipped out on sleep for awhile working on code. I think I may be on to something. The app I'm working on is going to have a PHP server (basically a glorified webpage) and a C++ client. The server is running on the linux webserver and the client will run on windows machines. I am kind of excited, its crazy enough, it might just work.

Speaking of work. I sent email in response to a job ad I saw. It would be PHP work. The sort of stuff that I love doing but, may not pay as well. Its across the street from campus. I've been obsessed with the web for awhile but I don't really know if its a good idea to get into that field of programming right now. But application programming can be so boring! ;-). *shrug* bye..
Sometimes I really do believe there's something guiding me. Since I'm not religious, I attribute it to various sources; sometimes it's chance, sometimes intuition or {subconscious[ abilities, and sometimes I even imagine it's agents time travelled from future to protect me so I can invent something cool that will save mankind, kinda like in terminator and various marvel comics. OK, OK, so I don't really believe that. But it's fun to imagine. Who wouldn't want to be the savior of mankind?

Few weeks ago on saturday when we had school, I really didn't want to go to school. So, I "forgot" to set an alarm clock and went to sleep. I woke up a bit before seven (the earlier bus to school leaves 07:17). I sighed, and went back to sleep, again "forgetting" to set the alarm clock on. I woke up at 08:30 (and the next bus to school leaves 08:45, that is the bus I was supposed to catch that day). I growled, thought "OK, I get the message", got up and ran to bus. The bus didn't come, of course, since the saturday bus schedule was more sparse. But still, it's curious; it's almost as if I had some sort of internal alarm clock.

Yesterday, that being wednesday, I missed school bus again. This time I had not "forgotten" to set the alarm clock, but actually did forget. It was curious; it was one of the few days I actually wanted to be in school. I had late assignment I wanted to return (I still want to pass my Finnish course...), one I had hastily scribbled tuesday night, about 2 am. Also, I was supposed to have some sort of debate/discussion about child labor and consumers that day. Few weeks earlier someone from university of rovaniemi, making a study, had had us tell us why we would/wouldn't buy potentially child labor -made things, you see, and apparently now she had divided us to groups to discuss it, presumably based on our answers or something. I don't know, really; being absentminded myself, I seldom read the bulletin board and so I know about it only because someone from the group I was assigned to informed me of it.

Being the nerd I am, I was, of course, rather excited by the idea, mostly because the group I was in was composed of myself, some guy I didn't know and three girls. How exciting - because of school assignment they couldn't run away if I tried to talk to them! OK, call me pathetic, I don't mind. To further delve on my misery in vain attempt to gain sympathy and/or advise from someone reading this, I will relate a short event concerning this. I was at finnish class (don't we have anything but finnish classes or what, for chrissake...). Behind me was sitting a fellow that knew me enough to talk to me. No, not a nerd, I think I'm the only one of that sort in our school (quite curious, really; doesn't mixed population of sami people and finnish colonists have that geekgene or what?), he actually is dating someone. In the next row was sitting a group girls. Suddenly one of them turns and asks when I would be attending that debate; apparently she belonged into that group. I mumbled something in the lines of "whenever is fine by me". The guy behind me snickered, poked me in the back and said "you got a chick!". I growled; was this an insult? I went even as far as to call him something obscene, but I think he missed it. After this, I spent the remainder of the day brooding darkly. I think I seemed like Bisquit in Bill Gates' body.

But back to the point, as if I'm supposed to have one. On that wednesday, I woke up at 10:50 to realize I had missed all the buses to school. Our lukio (sort of high school-like) is 40 kilometers away, and next bus leaves at such time that I wouldn't reach my school before the day was over anyways. I growled angrily for the reasons mentioned above but couldn't do anything about it. After a while, I shrugged and went to playing Alpha Centauri (quite a fascinating game, really). Just today, being the "holy thursday" and thus holiday, I realized something as I looked into my hour schedule; I had a physics exam that day. One I was completely unprepared for. Curious. When I started writing this, it was my intent to say that obviously this means some sort of fate prevented me from going school that day because of that exam, but now I wonder, why shouldn't I fail physics exam? Sorry, it doesn't make sense, so I'll just conclude this to say that maybe I didn't wake at time because I was damndest tired, having had too little sleep for a long while now. Maybe I should go study to that damned exam now.

You don't have to do that, really...

P.S. Goddamn! Egghead tells you 'jahas , joku taas aikoo 'unohtaa' kellonsa herätyksen pois expoteltuaan läpi yön'

Went to my very first yoga class last night. Wow! It was so awesome - so much better than reading the book and trying to do it myself at home. The teacher was good, helpful, and the class was almost two hours. At the end of class, the lights were turned out, we covered ourselves with our blankets (or beach towels) and laid quietly for ten minutes. I drifted off, body and mind totally relaxed. It was amazing. The combination of meditation, exercise has really appealed to me this year, so I'm delighted I went. It was a soothing, relaxing end to an awful day.

I feel so great today, after that class. I need to incorporate meditation and exercise into my daily life, and although I am far from being a morning person, I may need to just do some yoga in the morning and take the class at night. When I tried to add exercise, like walking the dog for an hour instead of 10-20 minutes, it didn't work. Right now I drag myself out of bed at the last possible moment.

But now, facing this probable surgery I feel the need to strengthen my system and my muscles as much as possible so I can come through it okay. I don't really think it's cancer, so hopefully we can rule that out and I can wait until after summer is over and it's cold again. I love summer, and I don't want to spend it in bed.

Thank you masukomi and NothingLasts4Ever, for your energy and support!

Yesterday, I encountered the worst physical pain I have EVER endured. Which is a lot. C'mon, I've been bucked off by horses, my foot got stepped by one of those beasts to the point of breaking four bones, sprained an ankle and continued a hiking trip two days later. Not a whole lot can slow me down. I have piercings, I have tats, I love hot stuff, I have an ulcer.....go figure. Not a whole lot can slow me down but.....

I have a slowly rotting wisdom tooth, which has been plaguing me since October of last year. It's cracked open, it's open all the way down to the root, through the root. Why am I being an id10t about this? Because my father was an old country doctor, who once said to me, "Unless it's killing you, leave it be." Dad, the fucker's coming out as soon as the insurance comes through, this is ridiculous.

I had to call out of work last night, way against my better judgement. I stayed home clawing at my mouth, swallowed three-fourths of a Kava kava elixir, jacking off until I caught moments of blessed sleep only to wake and do it all over again. That's right, masturbating. It draws all of the blood away from your brain, allowing the pressure to concentrate in other, ahem, areas. I learned this trick years ago, and frankly, up until now, it has worked. Just to be candid, I went for five rounds and finally swallowed 1800 mg of ibuprofen. This got me to today, where my uptight boss took so much pity on me, he drove to Columbia just to bring me some Vicadin. Only in my parallel universe, I swear.

I am by no means a pussy, but even I have to have something that'll bring me down. I can't even think straight. I started crying from the pain....can't believe it. Beat me, bite me, puncture me, punch me.......I'll go along like it was par for the course. Adam looked at me and said, "Don't cry Kir. Don't cry. My world'll crash if I see YOU cry." Don't know me very well, do he?

SO that's where I was yesterday, MIA, flipping over and over on my cot just praying that I'd pass out from the pain. Nerve pain, not ache pain. But I forgot, I don't pass out or faint. Never have. Made of stronger stuff than that. God, I wish I were a pansy not a cowboy sometimes. Ever seen Swing Kids.....?

Griffin dropped a bomb on me. I have to get a bigger place NOW. You see, I love you darlin' but this Kir is totally different one than the one you practically lived with a few months ago. I don't need a bed buddy. So, if you're crashin', I need my space. And Satyr and I are planning to hit AZ and Nevada in July....and we're not sure when we'll come back once that happens. No worries, I promised you'd have somewhere to fall back on. But you ain't messin' up my chance at renewal, got it?

Have to call Cammy and Bear back today, got chased off of the phone with Bear two days ago. Have to drop the film off......yah. Grrm quit today. Hey, it's for the best. Sometimes you gotta tear it ALL up so you can rebuild. Don't give me those big puppy dog eyes, we're gonna be friends, love. Have to get ready for this weekend. It's going to be the first Fell's Point Art Festival, and I'm in charge of our booth. My boss trusts me expliitl to run it ALL weekend. I love a challenge.! I'm psyched.

Need to make plans to go South in two weeks, so I can see the 'rents, grab Griffin.....did I mention the infamous birthday is in one month and two days? Need space!

And Memorial Day is off limits to all but one person. That much I know is true. Ahhh...pain killer wearing off. Have to go teach Adam how to stretch a canvas and take his first painting lesson.

Where is all of this going?

Yesterday I was talking with my son about a movie we went to yesterday A Knight's Tale and about one we want to rent tonight Dungeons and Dragons. It made me look back on choices I've made in life. And it made me sad.

All my life, since I first heard about the game, I've wanted to play D&D. In high school I was one of the "popular" kids, and we just wouldn't think of playing such a nerdy game. I had friends who played...at least they were kind of friends. We talked during school and we knew there was a connection, but I never socialized with them outside school. I never invited them to my things and vice versa. You see, I just couldn't. I couldn't hang with them because of 'who I was'. Kids in my group just didn't go to the houses of kids who played D&D. I was always there in my heart though.

I was a cheerleader. I was homecoming queen. I hung out with all the football players and the most popular kids in school. You know what though? It was BORING! We didn't talk about much other than surface, shallow things. I wanted to talk about books and ideas and fantastic worlds. I wanted to read science fiction instead of Glamour. I wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons instead of going to dances. I wanted to be a nerd.

This is me many years later. I'M A NERD!!! That's right. I can now be who I want. I have a son who's into fantasy books and comics and I'm celebrating his pride in being who he is. I'm attracted to the geeky guys in the corner at social events, and I've found that they're a heck of a lot more interesting than the gorgeous guy in the center of the room. I play on line role playing games. I read science fiction all I want, and discuss it with friends. I still haven't played Dungeons and Dragons though.

Before I went to work I went to the comic store top pick up my weekly subscription. Of course the only thing that was in today for me was Shidima. You know Image Comics and Dreamwave and their efficiency of getting out their comics fast! Haha. Anyway so I talk to the guy at the counter and he tells me hints and tricks for SSX which is exciting.

At work, there's about 3 couples in, the person I work with cuts her hand really deep and she starts bleeding everywhere, so I go to help her since there's no one else there, she ends up going to the hospital to get it stitched up. Right after she left this lady comes up to me and says "What does a person have to do here to get some service!" The other people in the restaurant look around and roll their eyes at the lady and I apologize. Yay fun.

I get home, play DDR for 3 hours straight and almost fall over with exhaustion as I fail every song because I have my puppy running around and jumping on the mat too so I can't actually play for real, eventually she stops and lays down to tear apart a plastic bottle. I tune into Leno, Letterman, Conan, and Kilborn, kick my sister off my computer since it's in my room. And then I steal a whole bunch of pop from the fridge and sneer at my useless 39 year old brother who still lives at home. Such a loser! My life is very exciting!

Today I was on the phone from 2:30 to 6:15 am. It's been a long time since I've talked to him in person. I was the one who called. I was thinking we'd only talk for half an hour, but then I realised that we could never just talk for half an hour. That would be inconceivable!.

It's bizarre...i got off the phone and went to sleep..

Finally I woke up to the sounds of rocks being thrown at my window and banging on the side of my house...

This happens to me a lot.

I got up and made a grilled cheese sandwich.

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