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I feel your skin under my teeth
and taste ocean's fingers on your back.
As we fall together in perpetual indulgence,
I breathe your smell— it is infinitely unfamiliar.

I thought I had seduced you,
but by the sanguine moonlight, I see that is not so
and laugh with wild abandon.

So, what, you ask, have I been doing since I got fired on May 12, 2009? You have been following this haven't you? You are glued to my every log, aren't you?

Oh, well.

I am a doctor without a pager for the first time in 9 1/2 years. I am sleeping. I'm working on setting up my own clinic, which is a rather long and involved process. I'm staying in touch with my patients, who I meet all over town. I am finding that being tossed out of the hospital employed physician group means I am quietly welcomed into the formerly-employed-by-the-hospital physician group. I have many offers of help and suggestions for what next, to the point where I have to hide under the bed sometimes. I'm trying to pace myself.

I have a lot of energy. Usually is siphoned off by four very intense days of clinic along with call, delivering babies, single momming and writing, but suddenly all the doctor stuff is in abeyance because I'm fired and have no malpractice. Summer vacation anyone?

I decided that I wanted a garden. I have very packed earth with a lot of clay and didn't want to rent a rototiller. Also, someone stole my very heavy picnic table right out of my front yard two vacations ago. Hmmm. I went to the garden store and said, what did they have for containers that was heavy and relatively cheap? Bought 3 half barrels, 10 bags of potting soil and a bunch of herbs and vegetables. Spaced the barrels in my front yard. They remind me of a moat or castle crenellations. They look very permanent which is a nice message for the hospital. I am tempted to mount a cannon or a gun turret on one, but these people have no sense of humor, so I don't. I found a fourth half barrel at my father's and added it yesterday. I put a "Not for Sale" sign on it, so no one would steal it. If anyone thinks there's a double meaning, that is their problem. I have resisted putting signs in the yard saying "The Doctor is In" or "Still here. Clinic opening soon." I try to be as careful as I can talking to the public/my friends but since it all overlaps and I don't really know who would report stuff to the hospital administration, I am careful not to criticize the hospital district (except in the blackest regions of my deep dark brain). I do honestly think they are trying. I just think I would play the chess game quite differently if I were them.

And speaking of chess, I have a political organizer who wants to organize a group. He wants me to focus. I am realizing that I think of it more in terms of a diagnosis or matrix. When I work on a diagnosis, I don't only think of one. I have the "working diagnosis" but always have to keep some others in mind. Often a long list. So if I am trying to open a clinic, possibly train to do c-sections, get the hospital district moving in a more auspicious direction and talk to our fair administration about what primary care medicine really does, focus seems like the wrong word.

Re the hospital district, they have made chess moves regarding me that I would not have made all the way back to the year 2000. Therefore, I can't predict what they will do next, except that I am dead certain that they WON'T do what I think is best. Therefore I have a matrix of possible things they will do. Firing me was on my previous matrix, but I thought it was unlikely and likewise not advisable. Hmmm. Matrix has been revised. Now I need to include many things that I think are unlikely and inadvisable. This rapidly becomes tricky and I generate all sorts of silly and ludicrous ideas.

Meanwhile I stick plants in pots and second hand shop for possible office equipment and art. I can write it off as business start up costs. Decorations are very important.

Also we have the Synchronized Swim Meet this weekend and I am in charge of Vice, advertising and fundraising. We put business cards in the program for money and if they give us stuff we sell tickets and raffle it. We always have a weird assortment of raffle things. I get to be MC this year. Our theme is Hollywood, so I suggested that all of the adults dress in Hollywood 1940s movie star glamor. The guys objected that tuxes would be too hot. I suggest tux top half and swim trunks bottom half, but they are disobedient and have opted for tropical shirts. I am going to hit Goodwill today for plastic champagne glasses, fake Oscar statues, red carpet and red velvet curtains. Also the local pharmacy and outdoor store for plastic inflatable beach balls, because the Introverted Thinker synchronized swimmer says that they stay airborne on the vents. Show is Saturday at 4 pm at the pool. Be there.

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