Weird dreams last night. I dreamt that a cousin of mine was pregnant and we had to hang this strangely dissected poster up for her. Another cousin of mine really is pregnant. My sister and her husband are trying for a baby. I'm trying not to think about babies as my oldest will be turning fourteen on Wednesday and my baby will be twelve at the end of July. Yesterday morning I told my oldest that her parents were getting divorced. I held her hand for a minute while she clasped it tightly. I was crying, but her eyes were dry on our way to the store. I still haven't told my youngest. She was at a track meet, her father took her to Ulta and when she came home her sister hit her in the head with a baseball. It was an accident, but she was tired and upset and I felt like the news could wait for a day or so unless someone else has already informed her, but I don't think that's the case.
We went to the condo yesterday. He told me that he would still like to be a part of my life as we stood in the larger of the two bedrooms. Some time ago we went to see his therapist together. She said the decision should be made during a period of calm and that's what I did. For better, or for worse, it's going to happen. There's a shelf that I've been wanting hung. He said he needed his stud finder. That prompted the trip to the condo, but it wasn't there when we were. It was in Milwaukee he said. I offered to go with him to get it, but he gave me a funny look and said that he could go by himself. I said I didn't mind. Then I heard him say that he was meeting someone for coffee. Neither of us drink it, but I understood that coffee was his way of saying something more.
I know her name, he works with her downtown. He didn't come home until very late. I didn't know how to feel so I tried to not let it bother me. We're getting divorced. I didn't want him, so why should this bother me? But it did. Last night a friend of mine told me that his wife is calling it quits after twelve years together. He has 110 days of married life left. It was a total surprise to him, he has a child from a previous relationship who is close to his wife so he hasn't said anything yet. I cried for a long time when I thought about the girls and how we've treated them. I've asked for their forgiveness and wonder how it will affect them going forward. I pictured myself living in a place that had no furniture other than a bed. Then I decided that I was going to make the best of the move.
I have a couple Richard Carlson books. They're nice because I can pick one up, open it, and start reading a small piece that I can finish in a minute or two. One of the chapters was about decorating your home with love. I worry too much. He has a chapter on fear and reminds people that those are stories that don't need to be written. This is helpful to me as I can interrupt some thought patterns and create alternate endings for my imaginings. My family is coming over today. The house is mostly clean and I'm letting the rest go. Last night my neighbor called. I had sent her a text that she hadn't responded to not long ago so I really appreciated the call. We talked about a number of things. She lost her horse in January, found another one, but he is not for her and she is okay with the realization.
I talked to my sister. She knows me well and gave me good advice. She loves me, she's known him since she was a teenager, this will be tough for many. I woke up at quarter past three feeling like I should put in laundry and do a better job of cleaning, but I made myself stay in bed. This is an opportunity. I can start putting a plan together. There's work that needs to be done at the condo. I don't know how much to ask for which is how I've felt for most of my life. I'm hesitant which is funny because I'm mad about the way money has been managed in the past. I can have a place that has nice things and not live in a place that needs paint and railings for the staircase. I can assert myself. It will be difficult, but I can do it.
Posting this on the run, we're sitting down to talk...