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I have decided that I want to start a journal, and thought that it would be really easy to keep one online and through E2. The reason I want to keep a journal is that I want to remember things that I do so that later on down the line when I am wondering about something or am just feeling sad, I can look through my journal. Part of this reason is because I graduated college about a month ago and I think that it is just now hitting me.

I lived with 8 (count em 8) roomates for 2 years and decided that I didn't want to live with any roomates, not even the ones that are coming back for an extra semester, while I was in graduate school. I have been quite lonely and bored, but my living conditions are dictated only by myself now.

I think that it helps to write out things even when you are not having problems or worries, so that is the other reason I want to keep a journal. I plan on writing in it as much as I can. Since I do not have much to do at work all day, I should be able to write one M-F.

This past weekend was great. I do not enjoy going home and spending time with my parents. I don't want to get into that right now, but it's not as bad as it sounds. The plan for the weekend was to go visit my girlfriend at her parent's house on saturday night and probably sunday night as well. She called on friday at about 5 o'clock and the first thing she asked was why I hadn't called her. I didn't talk to her the night before, and apparently she had called me friday while I was in my bunker at work (WPAFB) where my cell does not get very good service.

I was about to go to the bar by myself for a few happy hour cocktails, but decided that I would ask Jessica if she wanted me to come that night and stay saturday night as well. Of course she wanted me to, so I did. We went out with some of her work and high school friends that night and I got pretty drunk. This is where it got a little weird.

The first time you meet your girlfriend's friends from home is strange, apparently. They were nice enough, but for some reason or another I did not have that great of a time. A few of them made an effort to talk to me, which I appreciated, but when it came down to it, there wasn't much common ground. They all talked about memories and people that I had no idea about. I don't know if this just made me mad, or if I just wanted to be stubborn or what, but I ended up just sitting there getting drunk and listening to the conversation. This, of course, made Jessica upset and wondered if I didn't like her friends or something. I'm not sure if I didn't like them or if it was because I quit smoking a week ago and thought that she was going to quit as well (even though she didn't and she was smoking with all of her friends), but I really just didn't have a very good time.

The conversation on the way back to her house was a little heated, as she wondered why I didn't make an effort to talk to her friends, and I explained how everybody was talking about things I either had no idea about or had no opinion of. I don't remember much else, but apparently things were fine.

The next day, Jessica went to work and I went to lunch with her parents, her oldest brother and her sister. It was nice, as I feel comfortable around her family. Her oldest brother is a large person who I enjoy joking around with. Her father is kind of a Big Shot at an area University. They are all mostly down to earth people.

After lunch, I went to her youngest brother's state lacrosse game and sat with her father the whole game. We had some good conversation and I had a good time. I continue to learn quite a bit about lacrosse. Watching the game, I started thinking about football and for the first time since I was told I was not welcome back for my 5th year of college ball, I actually missed it. It is times like these when I wonder how much of my emotions I actually suppress, as opposed to dealing with them.

On the way back to the house after the game, her parents were lightly arguing about something and I realized then how much Jessica was like her mother. I swear the two are nearly identical.

Her dad had some work to do at one of their rental properties so I volunteered to help out. I helped him mow the lawn for about 3 hours. It really wasn't bad, I enjoy helping out. After working all week in an office, it is nice to do some actual physical labor. It made me miss all of my landscaping jobs. Jessica came out and helped for about an hour and a half, then we went back to the house and showered up. Then we started having a few drinks.

One of her friends from work was meeting some people at a bar for her birthday, so I volunteered to be the DD. We hung around with a lot of the same people from the night before, so I was not thrilled, but it wasn't that bad of a time. One funny thing that she told me was that the night before, her friends Matt and Ally were having sex in Ally's mother's house and he smacked Ally's ass so hard that it woke up her mom. That is some funny shit.

On the way back, I dropped off Ally and Matt at her mother's house and copped a condom off of Matt. Jessica and I then went back to her house and made love in the basement. The next day Jessica made breakfast for me, and then went to work. I volunteered to edge their flower beds, so I spent about 2 hours in the afternoon doing that. Her parents were very happy with my work. I didn't mind doing it since I wasn't going to be doing anything else anyway. That night (Sunday) we rented the Family Guy movie. We first had to pick up her sister and her friends from the movies. They were being quite annoying. It almost made me want to get a vasectomy.

We watched the movie (she fell asleep after about a half hour) and went to bed in our separate rooms. The next day we went to the Worthington Memorial Day Parade and led the parade handing out programs of who was in the parade. I was not thrilled to do it, but Jessica had always wanted to be in the parade, so I went. It was actually kind of fun. She had to work at 12, so the guy who we volunteered for had Jessica drive his jag back. She was excited. It turned out that Jessica didn't have to come in until 2, so she sat outside and talked with her Dad, youngest brother and I while we mulched the flower beds. I ended up doing most of it, but I was happy to help. I then watched TV until she got off work. We went to Chipotle, then looked through her high school autobiography and I asked to see a picture of her h.s. boyfriend. She was kind of pissed for some reason, but showed me a picture nonetheless. I am not sure why I wanted to see it, but it didn't really do anything for me either way. Then I went back to Dayton.

I had a good time, and I really enjoy spending time with Jessica, but there are some things I may have to look into. I am a somewhat jealous person, but I hide it very well. I usually just end up swallowing it. The reason I bring this up, is that maybe it is why I did not have a good time with her friends. I think that because they were talking about things with her I was jealous because I hadn't experienced them with her, or that she used to have intimate relationships with other people or something like that. I am not really sure. It is something that I am going to have to deal with one way or another since she will by moving to Cincy for her job in two weeks and meeting all sorts of new people. I was reading a w/u the other day that may have pinpointed it. It said that the author used to be jealous, but then realized that was because he thought of her as an object and could not bear thinking about someone else touched his property. This may have something to do with it, I'm not sure, but he said that he got through it by realizing that she is her own person and that her sexual history is what developed her into the person that I was attracted to and fell in love with.

This is in no way fair to her because she is trusting and I know that she loves me. I try to be conscious of my actions at all times so that I do not get jealous or anything, but only time will tell. I think that some of the jealousy may stem from my own few relationships, and thinking that I may be inadequate in some way because she has "seen more of the world" than me. This is another reason I want to keep a journal. I think I learn a lot about myself when I write like this. I will keep you all updated! If anyone has a Psych degree, they may be able to make a few dollars by taking me as a patient.Thanks for listening.

You slide notes under my door. Occasionally I, in darkness run eager fingertips along the slit where lino meets wood, in the quest to find paper. Lately my questing fingers are rarely successful. I leave messages in your fly-screen. Your front door is as warped by age as mine. Only my garden door will accept your words.

More frequent at night, I hear you coming and going. I see lights on the drive, and feel like calling out. Once I screamed to you. You did not hear me, my voice stifled by nerves and the creaky walls of old houses. The walls do let noise through though. I hear your faucet run, and the dull electric hum of your garden lights. Do you hear the splish splashing of my bubble baths? Have you seen movement as blinds shift against window frames, and my eyes peer out into darkness bidding your lights on?

I can hear music from another room.

I wore 5 layers to bed last night, and wished I could come a-knocking and crawl in with you. But the divide from your door to mine grows, as the pot plants on my back porch run wild, and shrivel from neglect.

My mind lingers on words which drifted from lips last time we spoke.

A car pulls into the drive.

I drift from view.

The Computer fries my life force.

I usually spend 30 - 45 minutes a day on the internet, checking email and reading articles here and there from infowars.com to everything and wikipedia. One BIG problem however is that computers suck the life force out of me. Yes, everytime I end my use of the computer after a period of more than 20 minutes, I feel totally drained and disorientated. It sucks and I messed with the contrast and brightness settings on my moniter but it didn't fix anything. Oh Well.

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