I'm trying to keep writing these logs, even if I don't particularly feel like it. Today is such a day. I'm tired — partly from talking so much last night (and drinking) — and partly from various other sources. A big source is my mother. I don't remember how much I've revealed about our relationship on here, so let's just say she has many, many narcissistic traits that seriously messed me up while growing up. I've dealt with the worst of my anger, denial, and all that crap. However, that doesn't make it any less painful to spend time with someone who shows little-to-no interest in getting to know me as an actual person. Her empathy skills also aren't exactly great, either. She's not as bad as Sheldon Cooper, but still, the level of her self-centeredness still takes me by surprise at times.
The most recent example really got under my skin. First, a bit of background info. She knows why I moved back home. She knows I left behind a garden plot that I had worked very hard on and that had meant a lot to me. Leaving in the dead of winter didn't exactly give me the option to dig up my plants and bring them with me. I left behind many of my other belongings in the house. It was a quick, brutal breakup that left me crying on the phone to her, my father, my brother, and anyone else willing to listen to me. So obviously, I've been feeling shitty. My father decided that I could grow some vegetables on the edge of the property where there's more sunlight. He dug up a huge area that was full of rocks, ordered however many pounds of soil (A LOT!), and wheel-barrowed it up the hill to dump it into the new garden he'd made just for me. Now here's where my mother comes in. She complained (to both of us) that he did all of that for me but wouldn't do something she wanted in her garden beds. She made this complaint twice.
Neither of us tried to explain it to her, and she didn't bring it up a third time (yet). Wouldn't a normal mother have been happy to see her husband do something nice for their heartbroken daughter? Or at least acted happy, even if she wasn't? That's what I think, based on how my girlfriends' mothers act. I sometimes feel envious of them for having such a good bond with their moms.
A few other things happened that also bothered me, such as acting as if I don't exist during dinner. Since then, I've made more of an effort to avoid family dinners. I went to a potluck with friends last night, and tonight I ate by myself while reading in bed. Tomorrow I'm getting a haircut, which I've meant to do for the past three months. I still don't know what I'll have done. Probably a bob.
I can't tell anymore if I'm being coherent, so I'll leave things there. Thanks for reading, E2 peeps.
PS: Since I usually end with a short gardening report, I'll have you know that the nasturtium
s just came up, and I bought several plants from the garden center: black-eyed susan
s, purple coneflowers
, a yellow pear tomato plant, thyme, and some eggplants (in case my own eggplant seedlings die). I need to try another garden center this weekend to look for the stuff I couldn't find.