Yesterday turned out to be a much better day than I could have hoped for although my daughter was late getting to church. The service went well, after it was over we stood outside getting pictures and chatting. My daughter was crying while hugging her friends. It was cute and sweet and I'm glad I was there to witness her with her classmates. Our town is quiet and small, the majority of her classmates she has known since she was born so it was a poignant moment for me as I observed the carefully curled hair and noticed how tall some of the boys in her class had gotten. We went home to celebrate with my family and apart from a few tense moments, ended up having a very nice party.
We made some decisions about how we're going to move forward. The plan for no is to finish fixing up whatever needs to be done at the condo. It needs flooring and I'd like to redo the upstairs bathroom, but I'll have to see if that fits in the budget. The second bedroom is oddly shaped. One side has an eighteen foot tall ceiling with two windows near the top. We could loft the room, but that will take more money than we have planned for condo updates. The closet takes up most of the wall near the door. My plan is to take the doors off, there are built-in cubbies on one side, and it's deeper than a traditional closet so I'm going to see if I can turn that area into office space. We have a seven foot tall bookcase and a loveseat we can put in that room so I'm envisioning a combination reading/work/study area that shouldn't cost must to put together.
The master bedroom has a door to the bathroom, my plan there is to put in a small wall to close that off. On the bedroom side we would have shelves for books or display purposes. The bathroom would get much needed storage and make a better use of the dead space we have now. Like the house I have now, there really isn't a good way to arrange furniture so I have to be creative. I'm going to get a double bed, a closet system for storage that will eliminate the need for a dresser and eventually I'd like patio furniture for my balcony, but that's not a high priority right now. Reading up on design and color has been illuminating in more ways than one. Now I'm appreciating the oddities that give a space character and charm.
Downstairs I'm going to see if a rug I have will work in the main room. We have a loveseat that we can use for seating as I think a couch will dwarf the area. I could cram one in there, my sister would put the sectional we have now over there, but I need space. At our house we're installing a piece of butcher block on the opposite wall of the kitchen. This is currently underutilized space that could be used as a station to charge cell phones and put car keys. I'm also planning on putting a paperwork or mail station there so it doesn't end up being an untidy pile on my kitchen counter and dining room table. My throw pillows were a success. They led to a decorating discussion where my next oldest sister and mom said that I should keep the bookcase we have in the living room.
Fortunately my youngest sister can see the wisdom of my plan. I really appreciate having her support, her taste isn't mine and mine isn't hers, but she has a much better eye for things like dimensionality and functionality than my mom and other sister do. My mom's house is not bad, but her husband is in charge of the decor so he puts up whatever he likes whether she likes it or it goes together or not. When she first moved in there was a laundry area on the main floor with an exterior door so my mom could go outside if she wanted to hang her laundry which she is fond of doing. He put her washer in the basement, I don't know if they have a dryer anymore, but if they do, it isn't hooked up so their laundry gets hung in the cramped confines of her basement.
That kind of clutter, regardless of how neatly it's arranged, would really bother me. My mom likes clear open spaces, I don't deal well with pack rats, especially when their collections spill over into main living space areas, sometimes I wonder how my mom copes, but I guess that's her problem, not mine. She was talking about having disposable income yesterday. My mom hasn't had an easy life. She bought my daughter a cross necklace for confirmation. I hope it lasts for both of their sakes. My oldest does not have a reputation for taking very good care of her things. My next oldest sister gave her a bible with her name on it. My youngest was very overwhelmed by the number of people in our house and I think the general stress of the weekend took a toll on all of us.
On the way to pick up my car my husband told me that he's probably going out on Thursday. This time it's with a different woman. I drove to the appliance store thinking things through. I've already told him that I think he should wait until he's officially divorced to go out with other people so I've said my piece on the subject. He's being very open with the girls. I don't have a problem with that, but I think he's not setting a very good precedent. Finalize things in one relationship before you move onto other alliances is my motto, but I guess he has to live his life the way that he sees fit. I'm not sure how sharing a condo will go, but I think it's worth trying to see how it goes. I'll stay there one week, he'll stay there the next, the girls will stay at home so their lives won't be disrupted as much by this.
I slept okay last night despite the thunderstorms. While driving home I thought about who I am and where I'm going. At the appliance store I realized that I should have bought a washer and dryer set when my washing machine went out a couple months ago. I don't care for the new model I bought. I think I wrote about wanting appliances that match. At the heart of that is a need for order, and a craving to have a want satisfied. There is no practicality in a washer and dryer that don't match. It's a pure want, not a need, but that's why it's important to me. My wants and needs should be important and matter. I made the more practical decision when I bought the washer that I did and the problem I have with delaying gratification is I don't tend to see the dividends and rewards because it seems like what others want comes first.
I ate a lot of junk yesterday so I didn't feel well. I know that if I could figure out what I shouldn't be eating I would feel better and lose weight. I've really come to terms with my weight because I know that there is something very wrong with my digestive system and I'm not overweight because I'm lazy or too self indulgent although both of those apply at times. I took some allergy medicine before I went to bed. I can't breathe without it and my lungs are thanking me today because it's very wet and chilly and gray here today. My oldest has a softball game and I'm not sure the field will be dry enough for the team to play. The other day I made a list of things that I like about myself, I get along so much better with the girls than I did and that's been a positive thing in my life more recently.
My husband was touching me a lot more after our talks this past weekend. He tells me I'm sexy and beautiful, what hurts most about that is the feeling that I'm fuckable, but not lovable. That's my perception and how I see it, my mind is full of things I want to say, but I know how those statements will be interpreted so I keep them to myself the majority of the time. Sometimes I sit and think about what it would be like to have a partner who was interested in some of the same things that I am who was also more assertive and aggressive. A long time ago a guy I know told me that no straight man would fit the model that I have in my head. I don't really want to go on dates, but I would like to be able to hang out and talk to others.
I want friends. I want to have people over to eat or play games or go to baseball games or out shopping or do any of the tasks that I find myself doing while I'm alone, or with people who can't offer me what I'm longing for. I can go somewhere with this design and furniture thing. I've always been a good student. I'm interested in new things and I'll make mistakes, but I see things differently than many others. More and more I'm realizing that this is a gift, but so far I'm lacking the ability to monetize it and capitalize on it which somehow seems very unAmerican. But some of that is taught and I didn't have people in my life who put an effort into entrepreneurship and sales. Another thing I like about myself is how I'm able to dive into a new venture and learn what I can using the resources I have online, in person, and at the library.
Already I can see the condo coming together in my head. There are people who can't see things that aren't there. Even if we go with the plan I have, it won't turn out the way that I think it will. Few things do in life, but for me, the planning is the exciting part. I'm impatient and that hurts, but I'm learning to be more patient as I grow older. My girls sometimes call other people ugly. I used to think there were unattractive people in the world, but the older I get, the more I can see deep beauty in the faces and souls of people that many others would pass over. I'm not particularly beautiful from a treatment of others who are close to me standpoint. What people look like matters only to people who are more superficial. It's what people do that counts for more in my book.
I have my car back. I'm going to make some more lists and I have faith that God has a plan for my life that I can't see right now. I'm doing a lot of the things that I want and need to be doing. Sometimes waiting is the hardest part. We had an impromptu family discussion about how things would work in the future. Today I'm going to call and sign the girls up for counseling. They don't think that they need it, but I want them to have someone to talk to about whatever. I probably should be mad that my husband is going out with other women, but I'm going to save my energy for things that I'm passionate about. In my mind, we are divorced. We haven't ever really been a couple so to me the final paperwork is more of a formality than anything.
For my part, I'm going to try and use this time to find out what single parenthood has in store for me. I've felt like a single mom for most of the time I've been a parent. He thanked me for the girls, they've been people who have brought us together and driven us apart. We're going to send my oldest to the school I went to which will make her a fourth generation student. It may not end up working out for her, on the other hand, it might be great for her. The plan is to hang onto the house that we have for another six years which would take my youngest through high school. That way the girls will have a house to bring friends over, I would rather be the host parent than the one whose children go elsewhere to party, and our house is ideal for entertaining a crowd.
I'm going to put a teen hang out area down in the basement for them. This was a bit of advice an aunt of mine gave me. Kids need an area where they can hang out and talk and feel comfortable. I'm going to tear out the storage area we have below the stairs, put storage along the far wall with the crawl space so that's blocked off. I already have the door for it, I just need some insulation and an installer. My brother said he would come over and do the tear down. Once that's done I'm going to carve out a laundry area, workout space, and I'd like to get a room for my husband to do woodworking in along with other smaller household projects like repotting plants or painting things. I want a ping pong table, kids need things to do, and that's cheap entertainment to me.
I could make it really cool down there, but I have to see how much space I end up getting once the storage area comes down, and the new storage area is enclosed. Although I can envision things, I have more trouble remembering how much space I have in a certain area. I'll have to go down, measure things out, and then I'll have a better idea of what I can put where in terms of furniture, a TV, I'd like a shelf like the one we just put in our kitchen. These things are so valuable since they don't take up much space, but you can put food or drinks, games, phones, pretty much anything that you would put on a table or the floor on them. My moods are up and down. I'm excited when I think about getting these things done. Less so at other times, but at least I'm not just sitting here crying like I thought I would be. Maybe I'm too depressed to cry, but it doesn't feel that way.
We're going to see my therapist together on Wednesday. She'll have some ideas for us so I'm eager to hear what she has to say. She's in my corner, and I don't feel like I have many true allies since my family and friends talk to him about me and I know that they have some valid points when they say that I'm difficult to live with and love. Music helps. I made the girls help me sweep before we went to bed last night, he helped too. We're going to have one family day a week, that was probably the biggest thing that came out of this weekend. We are a family and it may sound like divorce is breaking that apart, but I think it will end up being better for all of us if the two of us can set some personal differences aside as we try out this new living arrangement. My sister thinks it will help, I hope she's right, but if not, there are always other options to explore, and I'm grateful that I have that mindset.
P.S. I just love The Bee Gees #Sanity