Yesterday both of our softball teams lost. Today I don't really want to write, but I've come to think of this process as a necessary evil where I confront the topics that I would rather not think about. I'm thinking about trading in my washer and getting a washer and dryer that are less high tech, and more affordable. A girlfriend of mine said that extra features are what tend to go wrong. The higher end models have more features and subsequently tend to be much more expensive to repair. I'm going to ask her what brand she bought and see if we can get something similar since she's a big review person, and is looking for a lot of the same things that I am in a washer and dryer. Right now we have a Samsung washer. She has a Samsung dishwasher, neither of us are pleased with those purchases.
Last night I gave our Athletic Director a ride to the game. I've known him since he was very young, he hung out with my brother, I know his parents and went to school with several of his siblings. I was driving, we stopped at the house so Jane could get a snack. He's her teacher this year and I told myself as I drove that this was no big deal, any parent would have given him a ride out to the park. My husband is seeing other people and sitting in the car yesterday reminded me that there are guys out there that I can sit and talk to without the tension, hatred, and bitterness. I couldn't fully relax, but he kept the conversation going and we've known each other for so long that we had plenty of topics to choose from.
It occurred to me that perhaps I had been wrong in not wanting to date after I got divorced. My youngest sister is a single mom, she's never gone out with anyone other than my niece's father, and in the past I've encouraged her to do so. She's told me why she doesn't want to date. I can respect her feelings on the subject, and she's got to live her own life, but I wonder if her life would be richer and fuller if she had someone to share it with. I was talking to a friend of mine last night about the situation. He assured me that I will find happiness and be able to go forward with more freedom than I've enjoyed in the past. My husband can't understand why I don't want him dating until we're divorced, but that's his problem, not mine.
My library books aren't due for another couple of days, but they're on my mind right now. I haven't opened the estate planning and will composing books that I checked out. I procrastinated on that and I dislike it when I put off doing things that I know need to be done. I had a long talk with my middle sister yesterday. I feel very fortunate that I have her to discuss things with, and I'm glad that our relationship has grown these past few months. I've been unfair in the past, and so has he. This morning he asked if I wanted to snuggle and I told him that as long as he's seeing other people, that part of us is over. He has to make a choice. He thinks that it depends on me, but it really doesn't. It does suck to be lonely. I've lived that way for many years which is no excuse for my behavior now.
I don't know how to trust and love him. My stomach knots up when he's around. The minute he walks through the door or I get a call or text to let me know that he's on his way home I start steeling myself for the eventuality. I think there is something wrong with me there, I think there are a lot of things going on, layers of damage, fear, insecurity, and hostility on both sides. I don't really want to work on the marriage which isn't to say I don't want to work on our relationship. He's the father of my children and I chose him to be that, regardless of how poor my decision seems in hindsight. Last night I thought about going out on a date. Who I would ask, who might ask me, what we would do, how it would feel, I don't want to hang onto him because I'm scared that I might not find someone else.
There are people who would go out with me. I know that. But I'm kind of afraid of making the same mistakes that I did with him. I'm doubting my ability to get to know someone as much as you can know them while dating. I'm scared that I'll make another choice that isn't good, and I'm probably even more wary of myself than I am of others. What if it is me and not him? These are the kinds of things I think about while I'm driving or doing the dishes, it really shakes your confidence and makes you stop and reflect. Am I fundamentally incapable of being in a healthy and loving relationship? Are my children forever scarred because of what their parents modeled for them at home? I'm trying to just do things that need to be done and not think too much about any one thing, but it is very hard. I'm glad I have this place and my friends to write and talk, or I don't know what I would do.