I am hurt.

I think that we often expect certain things of our friends – and I think that we should be able to.

Last night was my best friend’s twenty-first birthday. It was a really big deal. I was very excited to get to go out to the bars with him… finally. Earlier in the week, we set plans. I told, not one, not two, but three different times that I could not go out with him tonight, because it was his birthday and I wanted him to do what he wanted.

We spoke several times in the last few days. We spoke earlier tonight. “The Plan” was to have him call me between 9:30pm and 10pm and we would figure out driving stuff from there.

8:30pm – Last time that we spoke.
9:00pm – I leave my friend’s house to go get ready.
10:00pm – After spending a half hour on my hair, ten minutes on makeup, and twenty minutes getting “the perfect outfit” together, I am ready.
10:15pm – I sit at my desk making a Birthday Card.
10:30pm – I sit in the living room making him a homemade gift.
11:00pm – I finish the gift and start writing him a letter about how special our friendship is to me.
11:30pm – Still no word, I call his room. No answer… I leave a message.
11:45pm – I turn on SNL.
Midnight – A random person who I know pops by and tells me that I “look all ready to go out.” I explain how I have been for two hours.
12:15am – My best friend is two hours and fifteen minutes late. Random guy takes me out to the bars.
12:30-1:30am – I try to enjoy myself but am too hurt.
1:30am – I come home and reflect on next year*.

*Next year I am moving away from this area. My “best friend” had previously told me that he does not think he will be visiting me… even if I buy him airline tickets. He does not like people doing things like that for him.

3:00am – I feel sad and worthless.

6:00pm – He Instant Messages me. First, we will ignore the fact that it is 6pm the following day (twenty and a half-hours after we were supposed to get together). He tells me he’s sorry; he tells me he was an ass; he tells me he didn’t think. I say as little as possible. After a bit of prodding, I say something about how hurt I was. My feelings are left invalidated by his “I don’t know what to say” line which is repeated throughout the conversation.

In the end, I let my hurt come out with a passive aggressive question. He logs off, saying “forget it... we'll talk about this after you calm down.”

I again feel abandoned in this friendship.

I guess, I am supposed to suck it up and be a “good friend.” However, this is one time where I don’t think my hurt should magically go poof!, to make him feel better about himself.

I have been around for a little over twenty-seven years and am about to move for the twenty-third time. Or, I think it's the twenty-third time. I may have missed one or two in the count. Most of those times I was following my mother as I grew, but I have moved for love, I have moved for school, I have moved for cheaper rent, and I have moved to run away. I have lived in big houses, little houses, A-frames, trailers, and RVs. The only constant i can find in all of these moves is that ever since the first one there has been at least one cat in my life.

In twenty-six days I will move again. My sparse belongings, and excessive clothes, packed up and rolled away. I have resisted this move. I didn't want to deal. But something in me tells me this is good. That this is something I need to do wheither I want to or not. The new place will be the largest place that was ever mine, and mine entirely. Two bedrooms, a living room and a large kitchen, I can share them, I can keep them all mine, goddess knows I don't really need that much space, but the animals will appreciate it. And I think that in time I will share it with a room-mate, or maybe... a girlfriend? I don't plan on moving again for quite a while. And if the gods have it in their plan I will make this place into a home for me and the ones I love.

I would like a room-mate this time, illumina is the only one I have ever had I wasn't involved with, but I am a peculiar sort who requires a particularly open minded roomie. So, I think I will live alone there until a lover or friend decided they would like to share it with me.

I can't wait to christen it with dee.

It's 18:22 here in Sydney, and it's as dark as midnight. Winter has set in, very wet. Sydneysiders hate the winter, generally, but I revel in it. I love that I have to layer my clothes, I love the snuggliness of being in bed in the rain. I don't mind getting wet, sometimes I think I must be nuts when I'm walking in the rain. My body generates plenty of heat though, so I usually dry off quickly.

I've not daylogged for weeks. Looking for a new job and handing over at the current place, and my various volunteer work (interesting project at ISOC-AU to node when it's ready to run), and this bloody A.I. internet game has had me quite busy. Job? Best option has been a COO position in an influential industry group, for which I'm meeting the board on Thursday night. I've also been doing a little consulting for Acer on how to ship their new servers into the Linux market. I expect the big job to be formalised by the end of the week, so more news later.

Who killed Evan Chan?


I meant to say Hi, but whatev's. Right now, Kev is packing up his stuff to take into the Jeep. He and Dara are leaving tomorrow morning for the east coast. He doesn't know where he's going or what he's going to do. As my father put it, "I guess he finally realized he has a girlfriend." As Pablo Diablo from the DenDen put it, "Funny how men are like bees drawn to honey, after one taste." That was corny. Anyway. I know everyone else cried when Kev left, but I'm more into crying for myself. It's not happening for Kev. I don't know what it is. I just don't feel that much emotion about all of this right now. Most of me feels left out of whatever was going on: from the start. The idea that I'm going to feel sorry now that someone who completely dominated my life for so long is gone is ridiculous. A lot of the time with Kev was good. He's a responsible person, an all right roomate; but at some point, he decided I suck, and felt the need to tell everyone that. So I suck, and here are the reasons according to Kev.

1. I am a nerd.
2. I don't party as hard as him.
3. I spend too much time with work, girlfriend, ex-girlfriend.

It's weird. Kevin is my roomate; we're not very much alike. Put the two of us in a room together and you'll quickly learn that he's the life of the party, funny, attractive, cool, and I am quiet, funny but in a weird way, kinda cute, and withdrawn. That's about it. I've had this mold created for me as being this loser who always sold out for his GIRLFRIEND or WORK or anything that could be held against me for not being there to drink with everyone. The truth is, I was around any given weekday, and nobody wanted to hang out with me then. Kev would talk shit about me any chance he got. "Mike's probably sitting at home watching a DVD, what a loser." I got so sick of this--how can this person be a friend? And this has gone on for the last 6 months. Now he's leaving , and I really am glad. To be honest I cannot wait to take his room (which has more light). I would love him to just take the fuck off and leave me alone. I should feel guilty about talking like this about someone whom I've spent so much time with but...he's an asshole!

I'm really pissed he's going...parties are going to totally suck without him.
Bye, Kev.


Last night noded something about web browsers and stuff. Those are listed in the previous day log.

And folks, if you're depressed, reading the nodes that are linked to from man's inhumanity to man and sins of the world is not going to make you feel better. (The reason for reading about topics like this was that there was discussion in Kuro5hin about the Execution Tapes.)

...IF you're depressed, go read something like this one. That, with cdr (too much Lisp recently) and watching Starship Troopers movie, helped a bit to forget all the grim and brutal stuff I had read about. Movie violence always beats real violence. =)

Yeah, I spent all of my votes yesterday, and no votedumping. =)

Today? Nothing yet. Stuff to come.



This stuff is mind-blowing. Mind-blowing. Mind-blowing. Mind-blowing. Did I say this was mind-blowing? Sorry, I meant mind-BLOWING!


Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: chat room Disturbing Search Requests VideoCD

I have had an excellent weekend. On Saturday afternoon I captained my school’s 2nd XI Cricket team in an away match against King Edwards School, Witley.

I lost the toss and was put into bat, we made a unimpressive 112 all out against poor bowling on a slow wicket which was breaking up. When we went out to bowl I was convinced that despite out poor total we could win the match. However after 10 overs our two excellent seem bowlers had failed to take a wicket despite being perilously close on numerous occasions. A change of bowling at both ends resulted in a couple of wickets and then I put a leg spinner on. He charged through the KES batting line up taking 4 wickets from 5 overs giving away only 9 runs. We won by 11 runs.

Then I spent Saturday evening with my girlfriend watching Keeping the Faith on video. It was a funny film and I was pleased to see a young Priest and Rabbi being portrayed as good guys. If only the real world was full of ministers like that.

On Sunday I had planned a surprise for my girlfriend. We were going to a Greek restaurant in Regent’s Park Rd (nr. Camden Town) called Lemonia then to the Jazz Café’s “Jazz Jam”. The restaurant was packed and the food was good, if not as nice as I expected for the price. The real treat was the Jazz Café. The “Jazz Jam” consists of a band called Tomorrow’s Warriors who will support any instrumentalist or vocalist that wishes to perform. This means there is an excellent variety of musicians and I loved the session. It only costs £1 to get in and I am definitely planning on going back soon.

To top off this excellent weekend I watched the Matrix again last night, its still good…still good.

Today would be my father's birthday.  I don't think about how old he would be, or how long it's been since I was able to give him a gift.  But I do try to think of him, and each year I remember a little less...

I wish I could have known him better, had more time with him.  Hearing stories from his parents I understand that he played these sports and had those friends and played this prank on his sister and so on.  My mother can tell me things about him and his adult life and his work, maybe what he would be reading.  And I can look at pictures from when I was a kid and see myself with him, doing all sorts of things.

But it's been too long - almost impossible to relive the experiences.  Sometimes I wonder how differently I'd have matured if he were alive then.  What he might have thought of my first apartment, whether he'd have gotten along with my girlfriends, and what advice he'd have given me when I had nobody to ask.

These what-ifs aren't so much depressing, as a thought experiment.  Losing a loved one hurts less and less with time of course.  After it's been the way it is for so many years, it's nice once in awhile to be reminded of the person that lived.

Perhaps later in the day I'll have the chance somewhere to raise a glass, and wish him a happy birthday.  Even if the people around me have no idea what I'm doing.

There is a bar called the Dove which sits smugly between Cambridge Heath train station and Kingsland road. It dispenses Belgian beers rarely seen in the English capital. On draught!

The beers are, by repute, made by taciturn monks in silent abbeys deep in the forested dales of Flanders. Each beer has its own specially shaped glass. The barmaid washed the glass on a nifty counter top glass washing machine. The beer was poured in but froth was a majority component and it had to be refilled several times to meet the half pint measure.

Afterwards, we staggered along a canal bank path past smashed up cars (the detritus of joyriding youth) beneath a dirt dark north london sky. The no.149, a standard issue London doubledecker carried up home.

The quest of the following day was "Discover the hair of the Ring". That meant long black hair to expose only frightul eyes. My gf needed it for her doll. The packed markets of Camden Town were searched but a cheap wig was not to be found

Defeated, we went to the National Gallery near Trafalgar Square and what a feast! Van Gogh sunflowers grew taller in my eyes. Cezanne's articulate use of color and Saurat's dotty dexterity invigorated us. The mythological grandeur of the Renaissance artists, gorier than the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, expressed fear, wonder and beauty with mastery.

Having soaked up artistry we enjoyed Japanese cuisine at a restaurant called Ikkyu in Chinatown. We enjoyed salmon ramen, salmon sushi and gyoka ramen (pork dumplings). All washed down with Kirin beer.

Afterwards we had cheap cocktails at the Oxygen bar on Leicester square (I had a flatliner with far too much tobasco sauce). Back in Wood Green (North London) we had a final drink in Wetherspoons. This place is a pub in the modern style. It serves Tikka Massala as well as toad in the hole. It beers are suprisingly cheap.

This was one drink too many for me and the toilet was a popular destination during the wee hours.

If there is anything that should be in a day log, it's whats going on in the world. So for now on, I'll be keeping the top headlines from around the world here. I've added Panapress news service today, and their headlines are really interesting. Plus China daily is interesting as usual. If there are any sources I'm not using that you recommend, please /msg me.

Without further ado, here is today's top news from around the world:

The BBC's Top Headlines:

The New York Times' Top Headlines

  • Pope Prays for Peace at City Destroyed by Israel
    Pope John Paul II prayed for peace at the Golan Heights today in a city that was captured by Israel in the Arab-Israeli war in 1967 and destroyed just before being returned in 1974.
  • Most Cities in U.S. Expanded Rapidly Over Last Decade
    Census figures show that the nation's largest cities grew nearly twice as fast in the 1990's as in the 1980's, with three out of every four urban centers gaining population.
  • Pope, in Damascus, Reaches Out for Unity With Mosque Visit
    John Paul II became the first pope ever to set foot in a mosque, making a bold bid to cut through centuries of divisions.
  • News Analysis: To European Eyes, It's America the Ugly
    President Bush's apparent insensitivity to European concerns on a broad range of issues has clearly opened the way for a season of America bashing.
  • Spanish Politician Killed; Basque Group Suspected
    One week before voters elect a Basque government, a regional leader from Spain's ruling party was shot dead in an attack blamed on the separatist group E.T.A.

China Daily (Chinese Government) Top Headlines

  • China a top topic at global forum
    China's high-tech innovations, business opportunities in less-developed western regions and economic growth after its entry into the World Trado Organization (WTO) will be of central interest at the high-profile annual Fortune Global Forum, to be held in Hong Kong this week.
  • Japan PM vows to strengthen ties with China, Asia
    Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi held out an olive branch to China in his debut parliamentary speech on Monday, but mostly skirted around the tricky diplomatic issues facing his new administration.
  • "Keep away from Falun Gong," says practitioner
    Believing in Li Hongzhi's Falun Gong will result in self-extermination and people should keep away from it, said Shao Jun, a former Falun Gong practitioner.
  • US-China relations "not business as usual"
    US national security advisor Condoleezza Rice said Sunday relations with China were "not business as usual" and defended Washington's review of its contacts with Beijing following the recent standoff over the collision of a US spy plane and a Chinese fighter jet.

Panapress (African) Top Headlines

  • Burkinabe Foreign minister visits Morocco
    Rabat, Morocco - Burkinabe Foreign Affairs minister Youssef Ouedraogo is in Rabat on a two-day official visit to Morocco
  • Lusaka City bosses haunted by garbage, money and time
    Lusaka, Zambia - Lusaka city council authorities are increasingly growing jittery over their inability to secure land on which to dump the mountains of garbage as the July date for hosting the OAU summit gets closer.
  • Report alleges plan to dump toxic waste in Africa
    Lagos, Nigeria - A report on toxic wastes trade and dumping episodes has revealed alleged plans by the US and some European countries to dump 29 million tonnes of toxic wastes in 11 African countries, the local press said in Lagos, Nigeria Monday.
  • Technicians quit SAA for overseas airlines
    Johannesburg, South Africa - Forty technicians working for South African Airways have left the carrier in the last 12 months to take up jobs overseas.
  • Kenya hosts Great Lakes region AIDS workshop
    Nairobi, Kenya - Governments within the Great Lakes region have been urged to harmonise their programmes to target migratory populations in order to forestall the widespread scare of HIV/AIDS infection in the area.
  • Media under fire for campaign against Mbeki
    Cape Town, South Africa - A group of prominent black business leaders has slammed South Africa's predominantly white- owned media for promoting a white right-wing campaign against President Thabo Mbeki.
  • Media experts slam Swaziland for seizing publication
    Windhoek, Namibia, - More than 200 African and media experts from other non-African countries attending the 10th anniversary of the Windhoek Declaration in Namibia, have slammed the Swaziland government for confiscating copies of the 4 May edition of the local Guardian newspaper.
  • Over 20,000 refugees face starvation in Namibia
    Windhoek, Namibia - More than 20,000 refugees at the Osire Refugee Camp in Namibia are facing starvation, the World Food Programme (WFP) office in Namibia has confirmed.
  • Mauritius students to learn drug abuse prevention
    Port Louis, Mauritius - The Mauritius education ministry would next year introduce drug prevention in the curriculum of primary schools throughout the country, official sources have said.
  • South African ruling party moves to end in-fighting
    Johannesburg, South Africa - South Africa's ruling party, the African National Congress, which has been dogged by in-fighting, has dissolved its Northern province executive committee and appointed a convenor to oversee its functions in a bid to cool off tension.
  • Opposition party calls for security minister to quit
    Johannesburg, South Africa - The opposition Freedom Front party has demanded the immediate resignation of the country's Safety and Security Minister Steve Tshwete for what it said was the ""extremely poor handling"" of the alleged plot to oust President Thabo Mbeki from power.
  • Government courts controversy over Burkina Faso beans
    Lagos, Nigeria - The Nigerian government is facing scathing criticism over its plan to import beans from Burkina Faso, and seems confused on how to handle the controversy generated by the issue.

I finally went to the hippo last night with some lesbians; oh it was awesome! I was just taken aback. i know it's just a meat market but the atmosphere was so different than the male- female meat market. I know it was probably just my naive response to the situation, but it felt like something more. All the women seemed so much - freer, natural, more able to be themselves. I had been rushing so much before I got there, I forgot to change shoes and was still wearing tennis shoes and obsessing over it; it really was no big deal.

I loved the variety! There were a few stereotypical looking women there, but mostly, they just looked like alive, sexy, beautiful women. It was really, really, really refreshing to be there. I was so awestruck (and extremely nervous of course), it was all I could do to dance. I'm really glad I went, now it feels a little less mysterious.

One thing was really funny though; there were some guys there and these two approached me and started dancing with me, telling me that the women were treating them bad tonight and hugging me over and over. Here is my first time in a lesbian bar setting, and I'm dancing with two of the six guys there! Even that they were gay, it just seemed kind of ironic. I just laughed and laughed. It actually made me feel better, truthfully, cause I felt so weird and nervous and (no matter what) out of place, and their hugs were very reassuring, like I was approachable and not ugly and fat. Anyway, the atmosphere was freeing. I feel so much more normal today, since I have found out I'm bisexual, and less like a freak.

The woman I went with took such pains to make me feel at ease and kept asking me, are you okay, how are you doing? She was so completely understanding and kind to me! I like her more than ever, what a good heart she has.
This weekend was the weekend from hell, or a three strikes weekend. You know, just one of those weekends where everything goes wrong.


Strike One
I crashed my car. It was bad. I was dozing off and didn't see traffic slowing. *CRASH* No one was hurt, thank god for that. I hit a Jetta. Not cool. Thank god there were nice people driving it. The tow truck driver said he was 99.999999999% sure it was repairable, and I do believe him, but I'm worried about my insurance company. To them, the car is totaled when its repair value is more than its Kelly Blue Book value. I dunno, KBB.com says its $5600 I think, and the repairs are up there, its to close to call.

Strike Two
I fliped the boat that is in my garage. Not in the water, in the garage. We just had re-fit for a cover, so it was empty. Well, on the other side of the boat, sits our E-Z Up, so I crawled across the back, and the nose came up, the prop dug into out dry wall wall, and I pissed my dad off. Well we got it down, but that was strike two because, well, I bent the prop.

Strike Three
Well, after the boating accident, I went swimming with my brother and his little friends. It was fun, there all WWF fanatics, so they were doing all of there moves, but I was just observing. It was fun to watch, but my brother got too close to me and cut me across the stomach with his toe nails. I don't know how he did it, but he got me across the stomach, now I just tell everyone that I had a run-in with a wild cat, they all say, cool.

Weeelll, thats the end of that, I don't wanna think about what could happen tomarrow!

Jared, this is unacceptable

I'm feeling guilty because I realize that there's no way I can explain the communication gaff between Zot and myself where my travel plans to Atlanta are concerned. My original intent was to go to Atlanta for PeopleSoft training and it started to become something that could be turned into an E2 mini meeting (at least for me)... Zot was planning to meet me there as well as others so it looked like a good time... however, we got our dates screwed up and he made his plans for the weekend after my classes, then planned his E2 party for the weekend I would be gone...We'd planned on doing this for a while and it seems rather frustrating that I can't fix it...  

Hell, I'm dreading the flight now... it's going to be worse because I don't have anything to look forward to once I get there. I had a dream the other night that I was going to have to take the place of someone on the space shuttle... I was fine with it at first until I remembered that I didn't even like to fly... what the hell was I doing on a shuttle trip? How the hell could I get out of it at this short notice? Could I call in sick? I don't think it mattered anyway, I was going to be on the goddamn flight and that was it... I woke up before it took off and I woke up relieved...

See, I'm terrible at travel, I've never taken a train or subway (hell, not even a Greyhound) and my hotel is across town at Buckhead... I'm looking at the MARTA map right now and I feel my stomach sink... I hate new places sometimes because I'm not very adventurous by myself. I went to Chicago last year and got to rent a car to get around - that wasn't too bad because I feel comfortable in a car by myself... I can listen to Travis and Radiohead and feel soothed in my surroundings. I had a friend there who hung out with me and we talked and laughed until we were in tears, he ate some good Thai curry with me (and in a way, that's all I really want soemtimes- conversation, food, laughter)... he made me feel more comfortable in my own skin - but he always does.

Zot told me a tale about being in Chicago and missing his flight, taking a train out to nowhere and walking for a long time in the dark... I'm not sure if I could do that (I guess I could if I didn't have a choice)... I know how bad I am when I try to do things in my life alone... I remember how ridiculous I feel when I go from place to place by myself... I want a pill that will make me comfortable in a crowd, I want a pill that will make me straight, I want a pill that will make me feel like I haven't let my friends down because of poor planning... I know, that's far too simple- and that pill (at least for me) would be far too addictive... addictive to feel comfortable in a crowd, to be able to dance alone on a crowded dance floor, to be able to sit in on a crowded bus and not look at my shoes, not stare out the window not obsess in my book... what a pathetic, lonely figure I can be... I must change that... I have to change that... It's unacceptable not to...

So I'll propose this, if you're in Atlanta June 2nd - 5th and you see some nerdy guy with brownish blond hair, glasses and a large dragon tattoo on the side of his right calf stop me and make me talk to you, make me do something I wouldn't normally do... at the very least It would be nice to meet someone from E2 on the fly like that... In any case, I think that going to Atlanta and meeting no one and seeing nothing would be unacceptable... at the very least grab me by the shoulders and point me in the direction of some good Thai curry.


Mystery Island isn't mysterious. Mystery Island isn't even really much of an island. Mystery Island is (or was...I haven't been there in about 10 years) simply a large clump of willows and bushes surrounded by open water and dikes. Mystery Island was a place that my brother and I and various cousins and friends went to play when we were younger. To an adult mind, unversed in the wonders of Mystery Island, this clump of willows would be unremarkable and probably ugly and dirty. But to the kids who walked across that magical plank....Mystery Island was much more....much much more.

The trip to Mystery Island wasn't without a certain element of adventure. First one had to cross the barnyard..smelly, messy, and often with a mean bull or two to outrun. Crossing the barnyard involved climbing two very high fences, pausing at the top to look around and see if there was anything interesting to explore, and taking stock of what animals were present, so as to best plan the route. If we were thirsty, and no aggressive animals were present in the barnyard, we usually went to the water trough and got a drink from the artesian well that flowed into it. The water that flowed from the slime encrusted pipe tasted strongly of minerals, and was ice cold year round. It remains some of the best water I've ever had to this day. After negotiating the barnyard, the Island bound adventurer had to cross the first creek. This creek wasn't big..probably three feet wide at it's biggest, but it offered many chances for exploration and wonder...and a slip or two. The watercress that grew in that creek was always a welcome tangy snack, and as anyone knows, watercress is best straight from the creek. Next was a stretch of bumpy ground...small hills about one foot across and about one foot high. I'm not sure how these were formed, but to get across them, one either had to walk carefully between them, or jump from bump to bump. Of course, being a kid, I usually chose to hop from bump to bump. One thing that should be noted here....Mystery Island was located in a field we called the cow pasture. It was called that for obvious reasons....it was where we pastured some cows, often first calf heifers who were likely to have problems calving, or young bulls who weren't ready to be with the rest of the herd. We also often kept sheep there, usually the rams. All of these critters could be aggressive, and although the cow pasture was large (probably about 30 acres), if these animals spotted a child crossing the field, they were likely to come running..with evil intentions. Once you made it to the "bridge", however, you were ok. Ahhh the bridge. Mystery Island was surrounded by a deep swampy canal about 10 feet wide. What was in the canal wasn't exactly water, and it wasn't exactly mud. It was a kind of goo, a mixture of plants and soil and water and roots. It was dark and rich and smelly. It was strictly taboo to come home with it on your shoes or clothes. Someone had placed a ten inch wide board across the canal. It had sunk down into the goo, so it was halfway submerged. Over the years we carried various other boards down to try to improve the bridge, but that 10 inch board remained semi-visible above the mud, while all our additions were sucked down into the mire. To cross the bridge, you got ready, took a deep breathe, then ran like crazy, taking as few steps as possible on that slippery slimy board. If you were fast enough, and stepped lightly and surely enough, you could cross the board without incident. If you weren't.....well..you would end up thigh deep or worse in the smelly muck. Once across the bridge, however, the world was yours. You see, adults never came to Mystery Island. Animals hardly ever made the trip, as the whole of mystery island consisted of something we called bog. It was simply a mat of vegetation floating on a layer of mud. The ground on mystery island shook when you walked on it. The layer of roots and plants was about eight inches thick, and cow and horse hooves would break through, so they avoided the area. It was great fun to jump on some of the thinner ground, as the area around would shake and eventually break loose and thick oozing mud would surface around you. Mystery Island truly belonged to us children, and we turned it into pirate holdouts, bandit forts, hide and seek palaces, and in later years, a way for pre-teens with surging hormones to escape the younger kids. We created tunnels through the willows, platforms in the trees above, and campfire rings that never saw a flame. In truth, Mystery Island was only about a quarter mile from our house..close enough that my mom could call us to lunch with the dinner bell, but in our minds, Mystery Island was a different world. It was ours. In some strange way, Mystery Island will always be ours.

It takes me four phone calls to get a continuance on my court date. The first two said they couldn't help me. On the third I was transferred once, the woman I talked to wanted to transfer me back to the clerk's office, then told me the person I had to talk to would call me back. After an hour of nervous silence, I called again and she transferred me to him.

He told me that the court would be informed of my need for continuance. He told me that the court would then issue a warrant for my arrest, but would not release it unless my bail bondsman freaks out.

I was told that charges have not been filed against me, and that if the court doesn't file against me by Wednesday, the day I was originally supposed to appear, they will lose jurisdiction and not be able to file. I will not know what's going on until tomorrow at the earliest.

My legal advice is sporadic. My father is an attorney, but practices family law in another state. He says the charges against me will most likely be dropped. If he's worried, he doesn't show it. I have not been appointed a public defender yet, so I can't talk to one, and I can't afford to consult another lawyer.

I am so fucking terrified. Right now I'm trying to compose a statement, figure out how to get everything printed out, and find something I can wear to court so I'll look respectable, which is not an easy task.

And all of this because I was watching a demonstration.

Sitting here, trying to bang out a Daylog over and around my kitty. Pan's so damn pushy sometimes, but I seem to always make room for him....somewhere. Now he's stretching his paws and claws out into the air. And sniffing my chin. Goddess, there's nothing more amazing than unrequitted love. Purrrrrrr.....

I've been trying for the last week to literally DRAG myself out of this quagmire and I think I've just about reachd the top. That's the thing about having as high-highs as I do. The low-lows are killers! Okay, so I'm back.

My brother's here until Thursday, so I get to be his built in tour guide. Things were a bit weird when I found him last night. I know he doesn't like the idea of my being in this city...pretty much by myself. It's the old story of family legacy. Why be anywhere but with family? What? Family's no good? You too good for family?......No, on the contrary, Family too good for me right now.

Um, what exactly was it that dragged me out of this bullshit? Well, I guess my own sunshine. I made a new dream for myself today. I've decided to follow mum's footsteps a bit. You see, my mother lived for three years in Las Vegas where she worked as a blackjack dealer. I know this seems impossible, but I have two really good things going for me. One is I'm good with cards.....always have been. (I'm not bragging, but games are one of my strong suits. Ha, ha. Get it, Bear?) Secondly, a family friend works for The Sands as we speak. Connections, connections, connections......

Anyway, here's my angle. My father-in-law is always up for an adventure.....I want to propose something that might jumpstart both of us. He's meandering in temp jobs and certainly NOT satisfied......but how about working in Vegas half the year to start out with. We could get a place, maybe Sarah too, and work........damn, he'd make an excellent pitboss. I'd flip cards......my friend Michelle cleared 80 a year without even blinking......and have time to see the family on weekends.....it's not that bad of a drive. It would be exciting, and as long as we knew we could get out and go home sometimes, I don't see why not. I could afford to go to ASU for the other part of the year.......family debts would be paid......we'd all be together for the most part.

My thing is, what the hell else do we have to lose? Maybe I'm jumping the gun, but I KNOW I have nothing to lose. This would mean my clearing out when my six months is up.....why six months? That's a story for another time, but I have to have six months residence in MD in order to get some loose ends tied. It would probaly mean packing Satyr up, but it also would mean I could meet Kash out in Nevada in August. What am I gonna miss? I am not in a relationship.....whoa, that was weird, I haven't said that aloud yet.....I can always come and go as I please if I want to visit. I work ridiculously meaningless jobs......

So my plan is in it's embryotic stage, it just got conceived this morning......but every bright thought shines light so I can see into the future more clearly......I'm a tarot reader.....not a psychic. Big difference.

I have a lot of family out there, and a bare minimum here. There's new terrritory to be scoped. And I'm just itching to travel. I don't have a problem making acquaintances, my friends are spread out all over creation anyway. Hmmmm, you see where I'm going with this?

I don't know, I think it's time for sake and fish, Hon. Now, where is that brother of mine?

11:17 pm

Just got back from sushi with my brother and his co-worker, Bob. We went to Kawasaki and Mich O'Shea's. It was pretty good, seeing as my brother and I tried to eat one of those $80 boat-o-fish all by ourselves. Ouch, I hurt .....and I think I ate too much ginger too. Other than that....funny thing about Bob.....he IS decent looking for being MARRIED and almost 50. Satyr's right.(He got a look at him when they stopped by to have lunch today). He was extremely touchy-feely, and let's say I wasn't ready for that. I told Satyr the deal as soon as I got back. He laughed saying, "Who cares? If he's cute, fuck him. I mean, his wife's in Florida....", and as soon as the words were out of his mouth, his jaw snapped shut. I giggled and snorted, saying, "I don't think that's such a good idea...." andcarefully pussyfooted into the kitchen where I could bang shit out on the keyboard.

'Nother 5 am mornin' for me tomorrow.....I can't think about boinkin' anyone, much less a nice married guy like Bob.....The early bird may get the worm, but they sure as hell don't have any fun.

Today some friends and I went to the Air and Sea show in Fort Lauderdale, FL. It was a way cool experience to watch military jets flying so close to us, as well as a rush; those engines are loud, particularly when coupled with the fact that the airplanes move close to the speed of sound, which compresses the soundwave in front of them considerably. (see doppler effect)

Afterwards, we went to Dave and Busters and I contributed about $10 worth of chips to helping my friend get the big huskie plush she wanted. It was fun, but damn, it takes a lot of playing those silly games to accumulate 5000 tickets!

We then returned to my friend's apartment, ordered some pizza and watched TV... I played with my friend's cat some; she is in heat right now and behaving very strangely. For instance, she drags herself along the ground on her side with her forepaws, then rolls around and drags herself again, and repeats this a few times. She also rubs against you insistently and purrs at the slightest touch. Hopefully she'll be spayed soon, I doubt this behavior is good for her as she's been doing it for weeks now.


what a weekend.

Saturday was a fiasco. It was the first time the band met in a couple of weeks, due to family gatherings getting in the way of the only days we could practice.

My love and i pack up the car and head out to Huntington. There are two ways to get there: side streets and the highway. We figure on the highway, since we were already running late.

Unsurprisingly, the highway is jammed.

Even less unsurprisingly, traffic lets out right before the exit we would have gotten on at were we taking the side roads.

Practice starts out notably sluggish. We work our way listlessly through about half a dozen songs before calling a break. We all gather around the lead guitarist's table and start to argue about where the sound is going. The lead guitarist was introduced to Radiohead by his ex-girlfriend and now wants a band composed of a rhythm guitarist, a lead guitarist, and a bassist/drummer to perform these complex, intricate songs that just aren't possible with said lineup, especially when the rhythm guitarist is the bandleader and a big time Iggy and the Stooges fan. We yell about the differences between what we can do live and what in the studio, and the capabilities of each, and how we (ok, i) arrange the songs, and blah blah blah until we're about ready to kill each other.

The rhythm guitarist and i go outside to play basketball and unwind a bit. We come back in and set up the recorder to lay down a more complex arrangement of one of our songs. We get about five tracks down before we lose patience and essentially dissolve for the night.

Then, when i get home, my girlfriend complains that i've been ignoring her for some time, unbeknownst to me.

Sunday was better. It didn't start off too fabulous, because LS (with whom i had since made up) had to go back to school to proctor an exam (which ruined both her day and the day of about 250 students), which means she also missed the gathering that day.

I had a blast. I met a whole bunch of noders; some who i respected, some whom i've actually never heard of. I played frisbee, helped fly a kite, participated in my first game of eat poop you cat, piled six people in a compact car, and tried not to hide behind my guitar too often.

The night sucked, though.. not only was the gathering over, but LS was still at school and spending the night there so she could study.

I woke up alone Monday morning. As usual, my body overcompensated for the good time i had the day before by making me really depressed today.

The day just dragged by, but i ended up coming home to greet my sweetie.

So i guess it was kind of a happy ending, even though i'm still bummed. Damn chemicals.

Again, it seems like a broken record, playing the same track over and over again. A short day that seemed like it spanned ages. Mentally tiring, physically draining, overall nonchalant. I find myself devoid of all conscious thought and worthwhile memories. It's a sort of peace I suppose but it's not particularly the most appealing feeling.

A lot of people today have been asking me "How are you?". How does one answer that? I've been debating that recently. Should I answer politely and let the innane small talk continue on? Should I answer truthfully and scare them to the point of no return? While I sincerely appreciate the concern that my friends and acquaintances show towards me, it simply disturbs me. It disturbs me because they're concerned for me. I never did like others caring for me in that fashion, thinking that it is a sign of weakness. I'm a nurturing guy that hates being nurtured. I'm a living paradox. I'm starting to feel that I don't know myself anymore.

Work was long, tiring and like a leech, sucked the life I had out of me. It was only four hours but seemed like eight. They kept on moving me around from my home department. While I didn't want to leave the tasks behind to my co-worker, I took pleasure in knowing that I am doing something new. Redundancy breeds boredom. When a guy who is deathly afraid of change takes pleasure in doing something new, that must give one a great idea on how boringly repetitive my job has become. There was a lovely young lady that kept on looking at me as well. That was definitely pleasant, as I stared back. It was one of those moments where we passed each other and we both looked back and each other. The smile that she gave me seemed to infuse my body with adolescent joy even for that moment. I quickly ran to my terminal and gulfed down some water. Before I knew it, I was off work.

My mom gets me and we head home. I turn on my computer, and I immediately bombarded with questions by my sister who Fin.K.L was. I showed her and at least she agreed that the ones I thought were cute were actually cute. Then, we started eating dinner and again, they were trying to find out what type of girls I liked. I stayed silent, then my sister and mother started comparing my ex-girlfriends, at least the ones they knew about. I stared at my food, and for that moment, my heart started beating faster and faster. I ate quickly and left the room, facing the possibility of facing questions that I was either not willing to answer or not able to answer.

Myself, MrFurious, and our friends Mike and Kev went out to go play some ball. It's becoming pathetic actually, four grown men trying to play a game that we know we cannot. MrFurious is the master of the everlasting endurance. Kev is the master of trick shots. Mike is the master of the most unusual crossover in the game where he literally waves before he tries to pass you. Quite funny actually. Myself, being the largest in mass, which I always tell myself is due to the higher muscle composition I have whether it was true or not, am the runaway truck. We played some games and finally went inside to the gym. Kev left us behind. I predict him leaving us for his other friends but that's okay.

I've known Mike for the longest time and we've been through so much that I always thought that he never wanted to know what was up with me. I never did tell him what was wrong with me. Besides, the possibility that his liberal ways might slip some sort of information about myself that I rather not reveal to the public. He's also never mentioned the name of a lost love to me simply because he knew it is a sore spot. It has almost been three years since he has. He did today. I was speechless. It felt like my eyes dilated, with eyeballs popping out of the socket and all. I held the weights in the air, feeling the blood flow up my arm into my elevated wrists. I close my eyes, and bite down hard and start grinding teeth. I say nothing and I concentrate on the weights. Finally, we leave for some food.

We head over to Wendy's but it's closed so we went to McDonald's instead. Bad service of course, even from a former employee like myself or Mike. At the tills, we got onto the topic of jilted lovers, simply because of the indiscretions of the lady. I understood both sides, and unknowingly, I blurted out to Mike that how I did so. I think I hurt him that I didn't tell him, but I had my own reasons. While telling people is usually therapy, telling the wrong people would lead to more questions, and more time thinking than necessary. I avoided the subject and finally, we dropped off Mike to his home in New Westminster.

On the way back to Richmond, MrFurious and I have a deep conversation. It's nice to talk to people who have a different perspective but what was said has already been considered by myself already. Simply, while knowing that one will not make the same mistake again, the lesson learned will not make the past go away.

We go to the arcade and play some Strikers and DDR and again, MrFurious is on his way home. Now I'm here alone, on my chair, the chair that is my friend and my second home within my home. I came in from sitting outside on my balcony for two hours. It was nice seeing the full moon, overshadowed by the fast moving clouds. The silence, interrupted by occasional sounds from the wind chime, calmed my nerves. Now I'm ready to sleep, deeply awaiting the cold embrace of the darkness. Let my beating heart slow down enough so that my eyes may lead me to dream.
I've just returned from seeing Trainspotting for the first time. Well, maybe not the first time, but the first time all the way through, that’s for sure. When I first tried to see it I found it too difficult to watch and quit. Now I can't remember what bothered me so.

This day has been no better than the others, but I suppose I should save to sob story as today's daylog node is full of people who are having a realy bad time right now.

Yesterday was my best friend’s birthday. Of course, I was not there to celebrate as he's four hours away. Even if I was there, I know none of his other friends with whom he spends all his time and would have felt alien and uncomfortable with them. I envy him, surrounded by his mates and loved ones. So fucking envious.

That's the handle, I suppose. I really don’t have any friends here. Acquaintances, sure. People I wave to and have dinner with, but not one real friend. Old friends have faded into the woodwork and it's reached a point where I feel uncomfortable trying to resurrect them. James, my best friend, is the only one I’ve really kept in contact with, and I hardly see him save for a handful of times in a given year. Even when I do see him, it feels great but I’m afraid that the two of us have diverged too much. We've both seen so much change in the past two years or so.

I do have a girlfriend, and I love her. She is a saint to keep on believing that I will once again become my old self again. People tell me I’ve not been myself lately. How does one respond to that?

This summer I'll be moving to the city once again to stay with Beautiful Girl and work away the days. I know no one aside from her in the whole goddamn tri-county area.

I wasn’t thinking about this when I began writing this. I was thinking about Trainspotting. Recently I always seem to end up here. I dunno; things fall apart, things come together. I read an article not long ago about a scientist-slash-artist who sells "Self-assembling Clocks"; glass cases filled with clock parts—all the components necessary to make a working clock—just waiting for the correct set of conditions and circumstance to assemble themselves into a working machine. He likens this to the beginnings of life on this planet. I find it an all to tidy metaphor for where I am in my life right now. I won't go into it. It's a sloppy metaphor anyway.

As I read over this I suppose I feel a bit better. Beautiful Girl mailed me and told me about the dreams she has about me. As she doesn’t remember her dreams most nights I should count the ones she does as memorable. The realization hits me that I have someone to dream about me. Things don’t seem all that bad after that.

How tall is too tall?

well if this guy in the lab right now is any indication, who has got a few extra feet of freak space growing between his knees and feet, then too-tall was justiably set at 8 foot 3 inches.

Goddamn freaks, that's what the circus is for, right?

8:30 AM

So begins my final AP test. AP Literature and Composition, 45 minute multiple choice section, followed by a 2 hour, 3 essay section.

This year's selection:
Wordsworth ("London, 1802") and Dunbar ("Douglass") poems, on people in the past, and how they would improve the author's time if brought foward. Had to compare and contrast, then point out what they have in common.

My answer in one line: "Every man's glorious past is another man's decrepit present" Something tells me Frederick Douglas would no doubt have agreed.

Following that, a section from Tom Jones, when tom finds the baby in his bed and his woman-servant respectfully suggests to put it in a basket outside the church. The nurse, in a few words: "If it does, so what. It'll die innocent, or become like it's mother"

Nice lady.

The third one dealt with irrationality, rational and reasonable actions, and the like. Fun stuff. Had to pick a character whose actions were seemingly irrational, but why this delusion made sense and their actions were reasonable. I went after Edward Albee's The Zoo Story.

Good choice, you say. Jerry is quite a loon, and his suicide at the end puts thoughts in *what'shisname's* head about things. Not so, I say. It's *what'shishname* that's acting delusional (to think there is actually rationality and true order in life), and his irrational responses to Jerry (whom, after realizing there is no such thing as a rational and sane world chooses to inflict this on *what'shisname*), while reasonable (everyone wants to maintain their idea of reality, no matter how disrupted it is), are the true act of insanity in the story.

Longest essay was the first, covering a page and a half. I'm not much for long essays. Let's hope I get a 3, as that'll likely get me college credit.

After which I headed to the EAST Lab, where I fought for a few minutes with Softimage|3D and attempting to get Mental Ray to render using the network (but to no avail). But you know what? I said to myself "fuck it." I was tired, so I sat with my friends for a little while at lunch, then left.

I need:
Trigun DVDs 1-8
Rurouni Kenshin TV disc 6
BGC2040 Discs 5&6
Gasaraki Disc 4
Blue Seed and Sorceror Hunters/Bakaretsu Hunters
(by no means is this request to be taken seriously, but if you would like to send me some, feel free to /msg me!)

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