The
Middle American Sugar Diet has been
gaining popularity since the eighties. Its popularity, of course, is a bit of a mystery, since it only has
health benefits if you like being fat, low-energy, and
overstimulated with
rotting teeth. Anyway, the diet goes like this:
1. Forget about water. You have
Coke,
Pepsi,
Sprite,
Dr. Pepper,
Minute Maid and ad nauseum of colored water with sugar in it. Why would you want water? Especially since, if you want the bottle, it's
more expensive than coke products anyway. Oh, and milk?
Milk is passe; it gives some people gas (that's the milk, not the
three large pizzas, that gives them the farts, by the way) and it doesn't have any
sugarcane in it. You want the sugarcane market to crash, you
commie?!
2. If it doesn't have a
brand name, forget it. You want chicken? Well, is it Tyson's or Meijer brand? And it better go in the
microwave, too. Actually, wait a second...you're
cooking? Just buy the
burrito with the chicken already in it and go to town. ...What's that you say? Well,
yeah they put sugar in it. If it doesn't come with sugar, we add it--how else are you going to function without that amphetaminic dose of
sugar?
3. Be prepared to eat at any time during the day: This includes on the shitter, in front of the TV, in your car. Forget meals; if the body needs a schedule, it can adjust to yours. You need something you can unwrap and eat--a
Kudos bar beats a
pot roast any day. You are the god; your body is just a meat joke--bend it to your will!
Faster is better!
4. If it grows in the Earth, it doesn't come with enough sugar. Even
sugar cane is better with a little sugar on it.
5. You know you're doing well with the Middle America Sugar Diet if, in the course of a day, you don't eat more than one thing that has NO
sugar in it. Thanks to the philanthropists at
McDonalds and the good will of huge megacorporations like
Kraft, most people can easily make this goal. And really, that's the point of this diet: It makes money for those huge companies we love so much, and it's so easy that it's completely indiscriminate! Even the dumbest, laziest, most
worthless person on your block can do THIS one! We've made it
the path of least resistance for you!
LASTLY, Don't forget to
spread the diet--there ARE, believe it or not, still countries out there where they eat things like
meat,
fish and
rice on a regular basis. Sometimes they're forced to
consume food which is
100% plain; i.e. "
organic". That's like
eating dirt!. These people don't have the ubiquitous pop machines we have to steer us away from water and milk; nor do they have a
convenient location from which to purchase ready-made food that
meets the M.A.S.D. requirements. Please contribute; please help these poor people. For one thing, if we're the only ones with fat asses and rotten teeth, we're gonna look kinda bad...