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Molson muscle is a Canadian term which denotes the characteristic beer induced paunch acquired by excessive indulgence in one of Canada's finest products, Molson beer.

As a term, it has considerably more panache than the term beer gut, table tumor, or any of myriad other unflattering names.

Canada should be applauded for the creation of a nationalistic symbol of such magnitude. Far from decrying the unsightly bulge, that despicable spare tire with nary hint of tread, our northern neighbors have turned it into a virtue, a source of pride, a unifying cry that virtually reeks of maple essence. It is a cry which screams "We're Canadian, we have no apologies or regrets, now show us the frosty mugs, aye?"

Far to the south the poor Americans work tirelessly to show 6 pack abs while those wily Canucks sport a whole suitcase under their expansive waistbands. Instead of a fruitless pursuit to become what they have been told they can be, these boosters of the barley arts wallow in what they are at the moment. No beach volleyball fantasies, no tread climber burnout, they settle for planting their bums on bar stools, becoming an eerie facsimile of some gigantic northern mushroom.

Muscle is an apt term for this Molson powered appendage. The function of muscle is to draw or contract. This muscle draws patrons toward bars, or at least toward the trusty fridge. Every muscle has its limitations, therefore the drinker usually isn't drawn to discard the empties in the trash (or environmentally friendly recycle bin) until a substantial number of empties have accrued. At this point the one who has absorbed this abundant quantity of beverage can't find the trash or recycle receptacle, and in fact is having lots of trouble finding the TV remote, the nacho chips, or the salted peanuts. Heaven help the one who imbibes in strange territory as finding the bathroom can present a logistical nightmare of almost biblical proportions. It is not a laughing matter to be cast into the virtual wilderness while toting an engorged bladder, let me tell you.

Muscle is of course a dense tissue, therefore those who have a substantial amount of it may appear denser than your average citizen. Do not be afraid, your perception is absolutely spot on. The density of the muscle extends into the cranial region and gathers into roughly equilateral deposits. Thinking of the term blockhead will give you a very good idea concerning these deposits of massive muscularity.

Molson could be missing an amazing opportunity to advertise their accomplishments. The Olympic Games are coming up in China and Canada is missing the boat in capitalizing on this occasion. They should be helping Molson to promote their products to the good and happy workers in Beijing as well as the rest of China. Over a billion potential customers...need I say more? The only possible repercussion I can foresee is a horde of new customers tottering into Teinaman Square holding up the Canadian flag, forcing the Politburo to respond decisively and issuing orders to confiscate every foreign flag in sight.

Of course, the enlightened western democracies, and the US in particular, would decry the event. The US position would be to allow unlimited quantities of the product into the country as long as it is carried by an undocumented worker. The product would then be heavily taxed and the funds used to pay for the social programs needed to care for these undocumented workers. Then the new visitors could gain employment, taking the jobs of those who have made the career decision to enlarge their Molson muscles. Isn't capitalism grand, you verminous foreign devils?

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