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Mom-fu is cumulative--Once you have it, you never lose it. Grandmothers always have more Mom-fu than their daughters. Some fathers can also accrue small amounts of Mom-fu, though most prefer to win Dad-fu instead.

Here is a rough guide to Mom-fu:

  • Add 100 for each week the cuts took to heal
  • Add a bonus 500 if you ate your own placenta
  • Add a further 500 if your partner ate some of it
  • Add 10 for each bra size you inflated in the two weeks after birth.
  • Add another 10 for each bra size you shrank after you stopped breastfeeding.
  • Add 20 per occasion of pooping on posh friend’s carpet
  • Add 10 per occasion of wee-ing on posh friend’s carpet
  • Add 10 per occasion of pooping or wee-ing in own home
  • And while we’re at it, add 50 for each time laughter or coughing made you wet your own pants
  • With another 100 points for each time you did 100 vaginal floor contractions
  • Add 2 points for each episode of Teletubbies you watched
  • Add 10 points for each videotape that you wore out
  • Add 100 for each video player you wore out
  • Add 5 for every sleepless night.
  • Add 50 for each time you got up to save your partner from having to get up.
  • Add 50 for each illness your sub-2 year old suffered.
  • Add 3 for each time you wiped his/her nose
  • And 10 more for each time you wiped his/her ass.
  • Add 2 for every banana you mashed up
  • Add 20 for each banana that got on your clothes.
  • Add 20 for each top that got ruined because of stains on the shoulder
  • Add 50 for each time you cleared up the vomit between 6 am and10 pm
  • Add 100 for each time you cleared up the vomit at any other time
  • Add 50 for each child that learned to walk
  • Add 50 each time they are first among their peers to hit a milestone.
  • Add 500 each time they are last among their peers to hit a milestone.
  • Add 10 for each time you left them with someone else and they cried.
  • Add another 20 for each time they stopped the instant you were out of sight
  • Add 10 for each time they came running to you needing a cuddle
  • Add 50 for each time they ran to someone else needing a cuddle.
  • Add 200 points for the first day at school.
  • Add 30 points for each time they said, “I Love you Mommy” unprompted
  • Add 50 points for each card they made for you
  • Add 100 points for each bottle of cheap perfume they bought for your birthday
  • Add 50 for each time you went to the school play
  • Add 20 for each model you helped them build
  • Add 20 for each time you remembered what the tooth fairy does
  • Add another 10 for each time you shouted at them.
  • And another 20 for each time you didn’t shout at them.
  • Add 50 for the first sleepover party
  • Add 100 for each subsequent sleepover party
  • Add 100 for the first time they went away on their own
  • Add another 200 if you stopped yourself from calling them
  • Add 500 points when you told them the facts of life
  • Add another 500 if you answered all their questions. Truthfully
  • Add 200 when they go on their first real date.
  • Add 200 for each boyfriend/girlfriend you didn’t approve of
  • Add 100 for each time the headteacher calls you in to discuss your child’s work
  • Add 200 for each time the police call you in to take your child home.
  • Add 100 for each large electrical appliance they break
  • Add 200 when you first find them drunk, or using drugs
  • Add 1000 when they finally go off to college or find a home elsewhere.
  • Add another 100 each time they ask you for money.
  • Add 100 each time a relative tells you how great they are
  • Add another 500 for each time they bring home a boyfriend/girlfriend you approve of
  • Add another 1000 when they finally stop asking you for money.
  • Add 1000 for your first grandchild
  • And 1000 more for each subsequent.

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