My Little Pony turns nice girls into porn stars

Inspired by My Little Pony or porn star?

For over a decade, parents have been buying My Little Pony^TM toys for their daughters. They are invariably gaudy, pastel-coloured, idealised versions of the actual animals, which seem to ooze sanitized, saccharine wholesomeness. Of course, under this veneer of beauty and honesty, there is an elaborate marketing scheme, forever bringing out limited editions and special models, but the immorality of corporate America is not the point of this writeup. What I refer to is a much more insidious and covert attempt to lead the next generation astray. All the time these innocent and unspoiled children are playing with their ponies, their minds are being warped and twisted by some heinous masterplan created by the manufacturer, Hasbro.

Imagine I told you about a new porn film, Crumpet, with the famous porn stars Cherries Jubilee and Heart Throb as the leading ladies. What about the gay porn film, Party Time, starring Creamsicle and Pretty Puff? A movie in which the porn triplets Splish, Splash and Splosh were cavorting with Rosy Love and Ruby Lips? The thing is, as convincing as these films sound, in fact all the names are also names given to My Little Pony toys. That's right; Ruby Lips isn't the best piece of ass in all America, she's a cute, cuddly toy played with by millions across the globe.

And it's not like these few examples are exceptions - out of the hundreds of models, a large proportion have decidedly questionable names. It could be argued that it is merely my sex-addled brain reading too much into the situation, and that in fact all the names are completely innocent. To try and disprove this, here's a few more examples:

• Pillow Talk, starring Cherry Treats and Love Melody
• Night Glider (a Knight Rider parody), with Pink Dreams and Banana Surprise
• Satin n' Lace, a kinky film starring Lovin' Kisses and Chocolate Delight
• Swinger, starring Love Petal and Morning Glory. Morning Glory!!
• Banned in 48 states; Baby Fun n' Games, with Diamond Dreams and Satin Splash

Do you want your children playing with toys whose names can make up the phrase, "Yum Yum; Salty, Spunky Trickles". I don't.

There still remains the question as to why Hasbro are poisoning the globe's youth with such filth, but unfortunately, I think the answer to that question will only become apparent when it's too late for all of us.