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I recently have gone through a divorce. In more ways than one. My ex-wife, however, is content that we are apart, but my ex-life is trying to collect some sort of alimony now. It appears that anything and everything i did in my life, prior to getting help, is trying to come back to haunt me. Had I known this, I would have stayed together with my life, rather than getting rid of it, too.

It all started back in the early nineties, when I had nothing to do, and nowhere to go. I was in middle school, (grades 5-8, for those who aren't familiar with the term), and by looking at my grades, I was in a slump. My grades dropped, my mood went sour, and my heart turned cold. I didn't want to be around anyone for much longer than about 5-10 minutes at a time. Was this a sign of depression? Seems to me like it. I didn't see it.

So finally High School came, and things only got worse. Because of the way things looked bad before, I didn't keep myself up, and was teased and taunted for that reason. I didn't smoke, I didn't drink, and I didn't even do drugs. I was a straightedge little slacker dork, and everyone knew this. I had two friends, and both got along with me great. The only two people I could stand for longer than ten minutes. To them, I was just a very quiet, repressed person, who was waiting to come out. I must say I thank them for being somewhat understanding, although, they too, were incorrect.

I graduated High School, and entered the work force. Shortly after, I met her. My now ex-wife. She was the best thing that had happened to me in a long time. I felt whole, I felt complete, I felt her. It was beautiful. It seemed as tho things were looking up, although nothing really changed for me.

I was engaged to be married 2 months into the relationship, which shortly after turned rocky. Many ups and downs, building a stone wall around my heart, where only ice had been before. On November 9, 1999, we got married.
I thought I was happy.
I thought she loved me.
I thought... wrong.

Sure, she and I both enjoyed the sex, we both enjoyed the support of our famalies together, but she knew I had a problem. She knew the REAL me. The me that even I didn't know. This was proven when she commited me to Vandervbilt's Psychiatric hospital, 3 months into the marriage.

In there, I felt as though she didn't love me anymore, that she didn't want to be with me anymore, or even cared about me anymore, but again, I was wrong. I spoke to her 2-3 times during the first week of stay, then didn't hear from her again until 3 days before my release.
"Josh, your wife's on the phone for you," the Nurse called to me. I rushed over, picked up the phone, and said "I'm so glad to hear from you, I have some news to tell you!" The line was silent. "I'm better! I've gotten a new life, and it's all thanks to you!" Still, silence prevailed on the line. I heard what sounded like crying on the other end. "Josh, It's over. I'm so happy that you are better, and honestly, this is the best thing I can do for you. I'm going one way or the other, because I'm not good for you. Please go down when you get out, and file for divorce, it will be easier since I will not contest." My jaw dropped to the floor. I cried for hours. I called my parents and told them the news. They rushed down and met with me. I took out all the last bit of rage and depression on them. I made my father cry, which is unusual, because I had never seen the man cry in what, at the time, had been 21 years. I asked him why he was crying, and his response: "Because you are now, the real you, and we are the first to see it." Puzzled, I sat and thought for a bit. My parents had never seen me act any different for the good part of 18 years. Depressed, always full of angst, and usually locked away in my room, by my own doing.

At that point, I decided that not only am I getting a divorce from my wife, but my previous life also.


How is all of that relevant? All of my actions in the past, during my term in what I call my ex-life, have come back to haunt me. The banks from credit cards in which I spent thousands of dollars to try to make myself as well as my girl happy, have been calling and threatening me. Alot of the people I have met or now know, are familiar with my ex-wife, and are too quick to be judgemental to anything I do. I'm still labeled by some as repressed, and "un-fun". I consider this my ex-life's form of alimony, trying to get me back for what I did to it so long ago. It's painful and trying on my now fully-beared heart and mind, but I'm working through it.
One step at a time.


All persons and scenarios depicted in this node are purely factual, and any resemblance to fiction is purely coincidental.

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