Editor's Note and Disclaimer:
The author does not know Ron Jeremy
has never met him and has never spoken to him by telephone.
This is the author's interpretation
of events that might occur if you, the reader, or someone like you
were to be pals with Ron Jeremy
Ah, yes, we all want to have rich, powerful and famous friends. We want the kind that throw money around like spinach. What if we were to have a rich, powerful and famous friend? What if they were to be the kind of chum that hung out with us daily and became a regular part of our lives?
The following is a test case scenario for just such a pondering. In this test case, the famous friend is Ron Jeremy, and the person who is an average American like yourself will be played by "Mark" if you are a male or "Claudia" if you are a female. If you are sexually ambiguous or not in the correct body for who you really are, then you may play the part of either "Mark" or "Claudia."
Scene:
Inside the living room of an apartment or house. Mark is sitting on the couch playing a game on his PlayStation and eating potato chips. Claudia walks through the door after a difficult day at work. The first thing she notices is that the shower is running in the bathroom. Claudia is unaware that Mark has become close, personal friends with Ron Jeremy.
Claudia:
Who is in the shower?
Mark:
Huh? Oh, Ron Jeremy is taking a shower.
Claudia:
No, really. Who is taking a shower in there?
Mark:
Ron Jeremy.
Scene:
The water in the shower stops, and moments later the bathroom door pops open and Ron Jeremy emerges (canned applause). He is wearing just a towel wrapped around his waist that happens to be Claudia's favorite towel. He is using another towel to dry his hair and then uses the corners of it to clean the water out of his ears.
Ron Jeremy:
Hey, Mark. Who's the girl? She looks all right. She like doing guys?
Mark:
Well, yeah, she likes doin' guys all right.
Scene:
Ron Jeremy smiles and starts to take off the towel. As always, he is ready for action.
Mark (waving his arms wildly in the air):
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That isn't the way we do things around here. This is my girl, Ron. She isn't like that, you know what I mean?
Scene:
Ron Jeremy looks disappointed, but instead of making a fuss, he sits down on the floor and watches Mark play his game on the PlayStation.
Ron Jeremy:
You guys have cable?
Mark:
Sure, we got cable. What, you want to watch a movie or something?
Claudia (interjecting):
Uh, guys, this is really too weird. Mark, I need to talk to you privately in the other room.
Scene:
Claudia leads Mark off into another part of the house or apartment, out of earshot of Ron Jeremy while he switches off the PlayStation and goes madly in search of the Spice Channel.
Mark:
What is it, baby? You don't like my friend?
Claudia:
That is Ron Jeremy out there. What the hell are you thinking inviting him into our home? He is disgusting.
Mark:
You are really overreacting. Come on, he gets a lot of action for someone supposedly as "disgusting" as you claim.
Claudia:
Ron Jeremy is a porno actor. Of course he gets "action," that is what he is paid to do.
Mark:
Well, you know, I figured hanging out with him I could get some, you know, pointers.
Claudia:
Pointers for what? You want to go out with your disgusting friend and meet other women? Is that it? Is that what you going to learn from him?
Mark:
You know, baby. He's been around. He knows a lot of tricks for pleasing the ladies. I could learn from him and maybe show you...
Claudia:
That is so disgusting. I don't even want to think about the two of you sitting in a bar and looking at women as if they were lamb chops.
Mark:
Lamb chops? What are you talking about? Lamb chops?
Scene:
Mark shakes his head and walks back to the other room to rejoin his new friend Ron Jeremy. Claudia follows and watches from a distance, resigned.
Mark (to Ron Jeremy):
We don't get none of them dirty stations.
Ron Jeremy:
Let's go to a strip club or something. I guarantee I can get you laid by any stripper you want. I have the magic touch. They see you with me and they figure you are a big producer or something.
Mark:
Good idea! Let me get my sweater vest on!
Ron Jeremy:
Sweater vest? What are you talking about? Sweater vest?
Claudia (to Mark):
I cannot believe you are going to a strip club with him.
Mark:
It's what he's into, baby. Sometimes you make sacrifices for a friend or loved one when they have a special interest. Remember when I went to those Girl Scout meetings with you?
Claudia:
I was never a Girl Scout. Well, I was a Brownie, but you didn't know me back then. Look, I would really rather you stayed home with me tonight. I think we need to talk.
Ron Jeremy (to Mark):
Ball and chain, man. No way I could handle that. Ball and chain.
Mark (to Claudia):
Look, baby, Ron Jeremy is my new friend. We're just getting to know each other and I want to spend some time with him. Stop bringing me down. If you had a new friend I wouldn't try to mess it up for you.
Ron Jeremy:
Dude, I'm pretty sure Christy Canyon is in town tonight and she might need someone to hang out with.
Mark (gives a big smile and the "thumbs up" sign):
Sweet.
FINI