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NWO Healthcare Ltd

New from the Illuminati Retail Division

Buy your healthcare packages online!

It is a sad fact of life that this world is seething with violence, the disabled and other health risks. However, before you let this sadness create a vast yawning chasm in your soul you should be aware that there is a solution. After years of diligent scientific study, our expert teams of expert scientists have scientifically perfected the expert science of mass mind control. Not only that but the chance to be subjected to it is now for the first time available to you, the common man, at an affordable price! However, do not be put off by the name - "mass mind control" is somewhat of a misnomer. Think of it more as an insurance policy, a healthcare programme which ensures your well-being and that of your loved ones for the troublesome days ahead. Why our sudden act of selfless altruism?

Since the dawn of time mankind has yearned to have his mind controlled by forces beyond his comprehension, and now that dream has become a reality. Thanks to our tireless efforts, you can share in this dream and help further the evolution of the human race. But before you whip out your cash, just take some time to peruse some of the benefits of our offer:

We all need guidance. Sadly, the majority of humankind is composed of nothing more than people like yourself, awash in the results of their insectile powers of foresight. Wallowing aimlessly in their own futile subjectivity, these people are not even remotely qualified to make their own decisions, never mind those of others, as you no doubt have found through years of your own witless self-inflicted heartache. However once you have become part of our healthcare programme our friendly staff will be keeping their eye on you, frequently checking in to make sure you aren't getting up to anything which could harm yourself or your family, and thereby ensuring the health and security of the whole community.

We all love fitting in and being popular - it is in our nature, and nothing will make you popularer than being part of the NWO "family", surrounded by like-minded people who always agree on everything all of the time. There will be no bigotry, no arguments, no petty squabbles or violent political upheavals, no "getting back" at people or organising vast military coup d'etats; everyone and everything will be structured, ordered and kept in its place, in an environment where you can "all just get along".

It is in our nature to feel needed and useful. Once the world embraces the wonderful unity of our programme, common people like you will soon come to realise that there is no greater satisfaction than working as a faceless link in the bridge to the next step of human evolution. In fact, we are certain that being slaves to the new breed of superman will be so much fun, we guarantee your money back if you disagree! We are fairly sure, however, that after trying out our packages you will agree with every word we say.

Fun New Feature!

To see how your small-minded desires for propogation will fare under our scheme, why not apply for our Breeding Suitability Test? Discover the destiny of your genes - will they contribute to the glorious future of humanity? Or will we have to give you the "scalpel-and-stapler" treatment, thus resigning your genes to our curiously dustbin-like "Reserved for Special Purposes" lab?

Special Offer!

We are also sure that you will want to take advantage of our special offer: Buy any one of our healthcare packages today and you won't wake up to hordes of stomping communist radicals executing your kids in their beds. "Get with the programme!"

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: I have never heard of NWO Healthcare. How do I know you can be trusted?

A: Good question! We at NWO Healthcare appreciate the neurotic paranoia of the common man - after all it was us who put it there. Because we have not openly made ourselves known in the past we have not yet had a chance to garner a reputation, but the good news is you do have reason to trust us. "Operation NWO Healthcare Hoax" is in fact funded by many of the world's major governments who, as you have no doubt perceived, have nothing but the good of the people, especially you, in mind.

Q: Why should I join NWO Healthcare over any other healthcare plan provider?

A: Many other providers of healthcare plans provide packages which are designed to look just as attractive as, if not better than, those of NWO Healthcare. The truth is they probably are. However the thing to keep in mind is that these healthcare providers are run as businesses whereas NWO Healthcare is a government funded conspiracy for the betteration of society, and as such brings you better long-term security, as well as neatly sidestepping the whole issue of you being beaten and sold to the glue factory.

Q: What does the NWO in your name mean?

A: There has been much conjecture amongst conspiracy theorists and other mental incompetents over the similarity between the "NWO" in our name and the "NWO" in the name of the NWO. In reality, while the ideals of NWO Healthcare and those imputed to the imagined "New World Order" by the mentals may appear strikingly similar, if not exactly the same on every possible level, it is vital to keep in mind that they aren't.

Q: What happens if I purchase one of your healthcare packages but find it unsuitable?

A: We at NWO Healthcare strive to ensure the utmost quality in our packages, and cannot imagine why anyone would find them "unsuitable." In fact we are so confident that you will never wish to discontinue our services that, as of this month, the death penalty has been introduced for those who try. While this penalty is not compulsary, the penalty for its refusal is a £10 fine.

Q: You mentioned that you provide frequent checkups. What do these entail?

A: For your own convenience we will schedule regular visits to your home to "check up" on you, just to ensure that all is well and that you aren't screaming headlong into disaster. These "checkups" will usually entail an unannounced visit in the night from one of our "healthcare operatives" who will enter your home via your shattered front window and meticulously ransack every room in the house. Be warned that if any seditious material of any kind is discovered then you will be immediately "removed from the programme."

Thank you for taking the time to read this online advertising feature. Your address has now been ascertained and your hard disk scanned, and a special "healthcare package" tailored to your pathetically predictable personality type has been sent to your doorstep via Royal Mail (second class). Failure to open and use the provided mind-control kit will result in your immediate and enforced shuffling from this mortal coil, as will even the slightest hint of disagreement with the following contract, into which you entered yourself automatically the instant you even thought about reading this, you fool.

I, the undersigned, declare that I willingly submit myself hereforthwith and henceforthof to mankind's benevolent benefactors, the totalitarian government of the glorious New World Order. I hereby agree to loyally serve the master race unquestioningly, realising that, as the dismal failure I legally declare I am, I give up all rights including that of independent thought. I therefore agree to relinquish my will to that of the New World Order and am bound by this agreement to never address their oppressive militaristic regime, directly or otherwise, with the following terms: "oppressive", "militaristic", "regime".

Love, (insert name here).

Thank you, come again!

© 2002 New World Order Marketing Department

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