Never kick a guy in the crotch!

Seriously. Just don't do it. Not unless he's trying to rape or murder you (that goes for guys and girls).

Guys, you know what I'm talking about. Girls, here's a little piece of information you probably already knew: It hurts. But it's not that momentary, bothering sting like getting your finger pricked or even getting punched square in the face. No, it's an agonizing, decapitating sort of pain that seems to last for hours and hours and the agony never quite stops. You feel like you'll never be able to do anything with your nether regions again. The pain is absolutely unbearable.

How exactly does it feel? Think of it this way. Everybody knows how it feels to get cut. At the very beginning, it really hurts, but after a couple of seconds, the pain fades. Being kicked in the crotch feels like getting cut at first: but for hours on end. That combined with a dull aching throb all around one's stomach that lasts even longer than the pain from the initial blow, and that's just about how much it hurts, with an iron poker added to the nads and surrounding areas for good measure.

Of course, girls do experience a similar pain, as probably a few girls would point out. Childbirth. It lasts longer than getting kicked in the crotch, I'll give you that, but in order to get to a similar pain threshhold than getting kneed in the nads(it's been proven with research =P) one would have to take some boiling acid and shove it into the uterus - while giving birth - or so I'm told. But don't believe me. I got that from a psychedelic source.

In short, kicking a guy in the crotch should be considered tantamount to sexual assault. Wait. Oops. Hehe..... It is sexual assault. What I mean to say that it's just wrong! That's a place that's only meant for very good things. Don't treat it like a punching bag! < hr / > < small > This public service announcement brought to you by Captain Crunch. < /small >

I should also point out, that in a self-defense situation, the kick to the groin is not the panacea that it is rumored to be. If it goes in, it certainly does work, but If you had a million dollars, you could live off the interest. Anyone who is seriously attacking you knows to protect themselves from this kick, which is actually a little difficult to target accuratly...while getting hit in the pubic bone does hurt, it is not going to hurt enough to stop someone who is a determined attacker.

And while the delicious irony of men getting hurt in the very parts that enable them to be domineering, violent, patriarchal oppresors is certainly delicious, it should also be pointed out that the pain from a woman getting kicked in the groin, while not able to create virtual paralysis, is probably going to be agonizing.

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Since Chattering Magpie is my jiejie, I would advise you all to listen to her advice over mine.

One of the most important things to remember, too, is that however hard you kick him there, the physics of the area make it so he won't be feeling the pain for a good 30-40 second. Don't ask me why, this is just the way it works. However, he knows that in a few seconds he's going to writhing in pain, and this knowledge is usually enough to make him go berserk in the mean time.

He now has license to go completely insane.

You have just done to him one of the most painful things anyone can do. Everything else you do afterward will be, therefore, mild in comparison. And so he has nothing to lose at this point.

Use with caution, for the love of God, use with caution.

Don't bother kicking a guy in the crotch. A straight-on kick is not going to be very effective against an attacker hopped up on adrenaline and testosterone.

What you want to do is knee him from underneath, crushing the testicles against the body. This is an extemely close-in technique; if you try to deliver it from too far away, you telegraph, giving your opponent the opportunity to guard against the incoming knee. To deliver a fast, powerful technique, you must remain relaxed; tense your muscles only at the end of the technique.

Do not expect to slay your opponent with a single technique. KEEP KICKING AND STRIKING until your opponent is laying on the ground with all the fight beaten out of him. Only then do you stop.

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Xie xie, di di.

I wouldn't say that it hurts for hours, more like ten to thirty minutes. It also isn't the best move because the second a male sees that leg lifting, he will assume that his balls are the primary target (the telegraph Chattering Magpie referred to). By the time you have executed the move, he'll probably have formulated at least one block.

NEVER attempt this move on a male who has sisters. It's just about the dumbest thing you can do! He has probably taken so many shots to the crotch that 1) it just doesn't hurt any more (much like being repeatedly maced), and 2) he probably has about nine counterattacks that he's perfected to the level of Bruce Lee. In fact, if there was a martial art that consisted entirely of ballkickery avoidance techniques, he'd probably be the Senior Grandmaster.

Physiologically, it's difficult to get this right. The penis is in the way. If your foot lands on the dick it just isn't going to hurt at all, because it isn't exactly tuned for pain reception. There's a delay of at least ten seconds before it really kicks in. It has a very long, shallow attack, peaks as a dull ache that seems to last for ages, and has a fairly long release. See also blue balls, ADSR. And unless you are accustomed to close-range combat, you may screw up and land short.

Psychologically, as has been noted above, it is a very ill-advised move. As males, we grow up knowing about the ballkick from a very early age. We know that you girls know what it does to us, and we know that we're not supposed to hit you back. The state of affairs is this: If a woman hits a man without reason, he wishes to counterattack - an irresistible force. However, cultural influences encourage men to refrain from counterattacking, even if the woman attacked out of sheer spite - this is the immovable object.

The paradox breaker is the ballkick. It is considered such a spiteful, outrageous move, that the immovable object suddenly disappears, leaving nothing but rage. This amps the shit out of the adrenaline gland, which can delay the painful effects of ballkickery for up to several minutes (as confirmed by an acquaintance of mine who's been in fights too numerous to count). Unless the guy is spineless or very inexperienced with pain in general, you've just released all his inhibitions and granted him free license to tear you a new asshole.