Now and then, you'll see a "Newbie's Guide to Hacking", or some such, which will tell you how to write like B1FF, commit wanton destruction on IRC, and do Bad Things to web pages. Having recently been bitten by the Chess bug, I've become emboldened to actually try some online games against actual people (as opposed to my various AI opponents). Based on a few games on Yahoo! this is the Wisdom of the Beginner's Lounge, in the style of the "Newbie's Guides":

  • Chess openings are just a ploy to scare people off. You have eight pawns and two knights; feel free to start the game off with a move from any of them. As a matter of fact, it doesn't matter which chess guys you move until you, like, get threatened or something.
  • If you're playing black and white plays P-K4 first off, follow it up with P-Q4. Either you'll get the pawn, or he'll take your pawn. Then follow it up with QxP. Haha!!!!!! You got a pawn! This is especially cool cause then your Queen will be out.
  • In fact, since the Queen is the most powerful piece on the board, you should get the biotch out first. Then you can do all kinds of mayhem. When in doubt, use a Queen!!!!! This is especially cool because you don't have to remember how she moves...just line her up, and move her!!!!!
  • Second coolest piece is the horsey, or "knight". Not only do they look cool, but they move funny. Move them around a lot...since they can jump over pieces, they're great for surprise attacks!!!!!!!!
  • Having a plan is another thing people do to scare off real chess players. Forget about checkmate, mostly. Chess is war, and there's no sense in war if you don't get to kick a lot of butt. Whenever you can capture something, do it!!!!!!!
  • You've probably heard about a thing called castling. This is a cool "escape move" that you should save in reserve as long as you can. Weird rules govern castling, so don't move your King or Rook until you're sure that the other guy might be getting close.
  • Sportsmanship is for cowards. If all else fails, bitch a lot.

I've known people who've done all of them, and still beat me. Some day I'll break 1200...

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