Nickletode Horsebear Rootnekc Brirtha Ayala was a major British politician during the Chutney Riots of ‘77 and was instrumental in solving the candy corn epidemic of ‘88, declaring himself only able to work without headache in years ending in “duplicated” digits.
Early life and education
While surfing on the Nile and battling twelve foot crocodiles, Nickletode’s mother dropped trou and a baby into the black silt of the Nile. The British owned the Nile or some shit at this point, don’t question me, that’s the way it is and dammit Timothy if you don’t sit down I’ll call your mother. Once birthed, Nickletode drank the entire Nile, every drop, for thirty-two years until his graduation from grad school at Trump University. His credentials can be seen on the walls of most British Bakeries. This is true even during bad nights in Chelsea, while drunk, hungover, or sober.
Nickletode started off as a low-level Tory thug, responsable for beats and garbage collection, before moving up to Head Metre Maid of the City of London. Despite being appointed to such a glamorous position, Nickletode spent the majority of the time as Boris Johnson’s hair, or at least the left side of it. His dependencies on cocaine stem from this period, and while some people point to moonlarking as political hair as being a risk factor for Russian krokodil addition, most well-versed biographers point to Nickletode’s mother’s Nile parturition as the point to which Nickletode developed his desomorphine habit. This also gave him connections to the Russian underworld specifically to Vladimir Vladdimirrovich Putin. You can tell by the doubled letters that this Putin is a clone of former KGB agent and noted Ukrainaphobe Putin, current president (at the time of this writing) of a décollage of supposed Russo States. (Incidentally, we know doubled letters to be an indication of clonehood from the 1990s novel Heir to the Empire where an insane clone Jedi named Joruus C'baoth is a clone of passibly sane Jedi master Jorus C’baoth.)
While Nickletode denies these connections it is a matter of public fact that he snorted cocaine off of chief barrister Sir Alex Allan’s bum during a Senate hearing in the US. (These actions took place at the same time, the cocaine sniffing did not take place at the hearing, only during.) It is also a matter of public fact that he purchased krokodil when being placed in charge of Russian’s entire army during a short period that the Russians have so completely expunged from the record as I have not been able to uncover any facts about.
After this shameful period of his life, Nickletode got himself elected Representative of Parliament or whatever you want to call it of Lambeth, London. His subsequent mishandling of police forces led to a 300% increase in the Lambeth homicide rate followed by a crash of grain prices in Berwick-upon-Tweed. Typically Lambeth police had a 25% kickback from Berwick wheat, but since they were busy being mishandled by Nickletode, they forgot to go to the docks to collect the grain tax and it was stolen by two pairs of knickers out for a stroll.
Nickletode, then at this point solved the Chutney Riots by resupplying spice to the district of Chutney, London. The candy corn epidemic was solved in a completely different way.
Nickletode’s appetite for sweets rivals even NBA superstar Stephen Curry, a man conceived in Chutney and birthed in Masala. He also played It in It rather spicily.
After solving these problems, Nickletode gave himself seven heart attacks on purpose to collect legal fees from the City of London and Parliament for giving him undue stress. He then died in office surrounded by what he loved. Candy Corn, black Nile sand, and russian drugs.
While never confirmed to be a philanthropist, he often gambled away Greater London’s orphanages money in Las Vegas, where he spent most of his youth and a good portion of his later years. This noble deed was explained to shady London (i.e. All of them) newspapers as an attempt to teach poor children that life always steals from poor people and that they were going to be treated like crap, by him, for the rest of their lives.
Nickletode married Priscilla Valdy, a female clone of Putin on December 7th, 1941, retroactively. He changed the laws just to be able to push his marriage license so far into the past. Most British marriages have a three year limit due to tax reasons.
Nickletode had cameos in a number of films and watched as many as ten movies in his life. He also starred in the 1977 film "The House with Two Doors,” though some people debate whether he starred in it, or if the director, Ryan Coulibiac had accidentally dropped a camera through a house overturned by Hurricane Anita, and the ominous shadow shaped like Nickletode is simply a trick of the light.