An oft-repeated phrase from the short A Case of Spring Fever which was selected (along with the feature film Squirm) for MSTie treatment on Mystery Science Theater 3000, episode #1012.

The short is described by the online Mystery Science Theater 3000 Episode Guide (currently at thusly:

A delightful and very instructive little filmlet about the danger of dissing springs. A froglike middle-aged man, thwarted repeatedly in an attempt to fix a couch because of its springs – and therefore missing his golf game – cries to the very heavens, wishing that springs had never been invented. He has no idea of the gravity of this invocation. (Written by Bill Corbett.)

Throughout the rest of the short, the foolish man is continuously accosted by Coily the Spring Sprite, a cartoon spring that just lives to point out the importance of springs in everyday life. With no springs to rely on, the man fails at his attempt to do practically anything; each time, Coily pops up and trumpets, “Nooooo spriiiiiings!” in a distorted, nasal voice, kind of like a robotic Jerry Lewis with a head cold.

And so, our unfortunate protagonist is interrupted time and time again throughout the rest of his day, thwarted in every attempt to accomplish pretty much anything by the shrill voice of Coily. Even seemingly innocuous tasks, such as dialing the phone (Nooo spriiings!!), shutting the car door (Nooo spriiings!!), or playing with his slinky (okay, I made that last one up) solicit additional admonishments from the little springy demon.

The man’s life has become Hell, but it is a prison of his own creation. He soon realizes this and repents for his transgression. Coily, much like Jesus, forgives the foolish mortal and (unlike Jesus) agrees to restore his life to its original spring-filled bliss.

Immediately after springs are returned to our hero’s life, he becomes a bona-fide evangelist for spring technology in all of its incarnations. In fact, a good 30% of the film is filled with him spouting off spring-related facts to his friends and colleagues, boring them to tears. In the end, one starts to tell him, “I never want to see another spring agai—“ and (thank God) he is promptly muzzled.

”Never say that!” the man tells him. Sage advice, indeed.

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