If there is one thing we can definitely agree on, it is that people are just basically perverts pretending to be something else most of the time. When we talk about truth, if this does not come up, our mouths are filled with filthy, filthy lies.

And we are filthy, filthy people with no right to continue as a species. We are relentless in our inanity.

There is a fighting chance that there are beings in the universe with more decency and ability to think and reason than we do. We have failed in so many ways. One could argue that we have failed in every way. It is time to give up the ship and say farewell to humanity. We're toast.

What are the steps moving forward? Our end is coming, but perhaps we need to bump it up a few decades to spare the children. Maybe it is time to bring it all down now. We have ways. There are nuclear stockpiles we could set off, wars we could begin in earnest, and we could even consider bringing Teddy Roosevelt back from the dead, shoving with impunity the brain of Sean Hannity into his aching, torn the fuck up skull (from being dead a hundred years). There are many ways to bring about the end of humankind sooner than later.

Welcome to my address to the 2020 Assemblage of Fully Tenured Professors of Ethics Convention, where I am going to be the keynote speaker.

Yes, I do believe it is in our interests to bring about the human extinction as rapidly as possible. I am very much in the plus column on this issue. As a sexually aggressive ninety year old man, I am a vote that can be counted on now and in the future.

Please, let us now commence with the long overdue call for the human extinction. Let us end this farce. Let us end it now. There are clearly good reasons. We will listen to those reasons now, ethically. There are other animals and plants (which are basically animals dressed up like plants) which might still make some positive use of this planet, provided we humans stop fucking it up for them. I am willing to lay down my arms in the war against the animals and the plants that are basically animals dressed up like plants to spy on us in order to meet these ends. We have a no win situation moving forward. We are, as they say in the rap music videos, fucked. Surrender Dorothy. We had a good run, mostly did terribly, but there were some highlights to look back on. Wonderful that we'll still have those in museums and such. Maybe the fucking ferns will come look at it once they become sentient in our absence.

Fern Folks We Obey

If, by some chance, some of us are left alive but become simpering shadows of our former selves, simpering to and fro with simplistic notions about life, we will have to learn to obey the Fern Folks. Various animal people will seek to take humans into their petting zoos and do things to us that you people wouldn't believe a person could survive and that will be the place for any simpering shadow simpering to and fro type folks will have waiting for them. The best of us will die in the initial destruction. I advise releasing the entire world's nuclear stockpile at ONCE to hasten our end game.

Some of you might be married to some kind of old battle axe or another. That will not be an issue after the nuclear stockpile is released. You can breath a sigh of relief now. All will be forgiven. Trust me.

The life of the simpering fuck is not the life for you. Be strong. Burn with me in the nuclear nightmare. BURN WITH ME. Write to your congressional delegation TODAY and tell them you are not a kook and that you want the nuclear stockpile released immediately and directed at all who offend us including in our own towns and villages. Let us "get it on" as they say in the movie Die Hard with Bruce Willis and other actors.

Mama Girl We Surely Obey

In The post-nuclear nightmare world, there will be a clear order to things. This you can be sure of. The fern folks will be obeyed and the simpering fucks will sloth about to and fro like the simpering fucks they are. Humans: the failed race. There will be a character in the screenplay I will option to Warner Brothers for sixteen trillion dollars called Mama Girl.

The obedience of the simpering fucks to Mama Girl, along with the cruel but enlightened rule of the fern folks will be central to the theme of my screenplay.

Decades ago, when I was Waltzing along the Berlin Wall and celebrating its existence, I knew a woman I called Mama Girl. She would take me into her bosom from time to time. And what a time it was. I always came prematurely in those days. The price of doing business with an alleged war criminal allegedly on the run. When it happens, it happens, and it is not a character flaw in any way. It is just part of who I am and I hope you can come to accept that. Mama Girl could. Why can't you? Think about it on the toilet tonight.


Most of you may need a bathroom break at this time or may want to mill around at the bar for a little while to scope out some tail. Why don't you go do that now and I will resume my educational lecture on why we need to bring forth the human extinction NOW.

I am not an educated man. That would make me the equivalent of a halfwit, allowing the lies of science and mathematics to invade my free cranium which I am indebted only to God for and I am not that person. I am a fully tenured professor of ethics lecturing now on the price of ethics and the need to bring about the human extinction NOW.

Welcome Back

In the 1970s when everything was perfect for everyone all the time, we had a lot of sit-coms on television that were basically a laugh a minute. I hope you know that. Go to the Smithsonian Museum at some point in your life, tender cockling.

We're all going to break off into discussion groups after this lecture, I am sure. So, why don't we save all the "light flirting over drinks at the fully tenured professor of ethics dinner" shit until then, hmm?

Okay, so getting back to the subject at hand now. The ethics of bringing about the end of humanity as quickly as possible. Where do we go from here, ethically? Why don't we talk about Joni Mitchell for a while? Maybe for a long, long time, to the point where it becomes very uncomfortable for everyone in the group to continue talking about Joni Mitchell but they continue anyway? How about it? Things were much better when you could go to the fucking record store and buy a Joni Mitchell album that just came out instead of now.

How Now Cash Cow?

We must talk about the profit margin involved in keeping the simpering fucks alive. If they are all that remains of the humans after the nuclear nightmare, are we not better off without them simpering around to and fro? Have we considered all the points surrounding this from the most ethical perspective possible? Are we really talking ethically here, or some fossilized remnant of what some simpering fuck thinks ethics are? How can we possibly know? There is no way that I can see.

We need to begin thinking of people in terms of how much of a cash cow they can be to us. Owning people means you can milk their teats at will, you can lockstep them into 18th century gristmills, and you can weld their hips to a lathe and make them work twenty-four hours a day without rest at that lathe until YOUR PROFIT MARGINS COME WAY THE FUCK UP. This is what we want to do. The simpering fucks can me molded into these kinds of animals for our pleasure and our profit margins. Jesus saves.

So, in short, it is clearly ethical for us to release our full nuclear stockpiles at this time. Unleash the fury on the world. Take out the humans now so that animals and plants that are basically animals dressed up like plants can have a turn.

Thank you. Break into discussion groups now.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.