I became an employee of Mincington Falls, LLC, I went to an interview as do
most folks before being hired for a job. I bring this up because, in looking
back, I should have seen then what would happen to my life if I took this job.
ad was for a job with the federal government, but in looking back I see that I
should have realized there was a problem at that time. It was in that weird
section of the want ads where you find all the get rich schemes and jobs that are obviously paying a
great deal more than in reality such a job actually would. You know the kind. “Are you good
with your hands? You can make $85/hour making crafts.”
met in the lobby of a government building before the interview. I assumed that
the part of the government they were hiring for was in that building. They were
very secretive about that, telling us over the phone that it involved sensitive matters and would only be revealed if we were hired.
seemed reasonable to me at the time, but after all the candidates had assembled
in the lobby of the government building, a man dressed like an FBI agent, with a
tag hanging off the cuff of his jacket, came in from outside and asked us to
followed him, on foot, about six blocks west of the government building. A few
people asked where we were going, but all he would say in response was that it
wasn’t far. And then the strangest thing happened a block from the building we
ended up entering. A tampon fell out of his pants leg.
just kept walking. I don’t think he so much as noticed, but some of us who were
following him showed signs of being troubled through their facial expressions.
One of the women being interviewed crumpled up her mouth like she’d just bit
into a hot pepper. That was something to see, let me tell you.
building we entered was part of a strip mall. He walked us around the back,
near a dumpster that had filthy smelling milk leaking out of it, to a roll-up
door at the rear of one of the stores. There were only three units occupied in
the strip mall, an occult bookstore, a store with a handmade sign where a lady
sold crafts, and the local GOP headquarters.
places were all at the other end of the strip mall. The unit we were entering
was unoccupied. It was dark inside, but our host, who had not even told us his
name, flipped a switch and a naked lightbulb hanging from the ceiling went on
and immediately began flickering.
men in suits similar to our interviewer came in through a side door. They
formed something of a circle around us and the interviewer began addressing us.
you all for coming today. At this point, we cannot allow you to leave. You have
seen too much. With that said, please hand over your cell phones and any other
electronic devices that you may have. You will then be strip searched, your
clothes will be taken and burned, along with any personal memorabilia you may
be carrying, and you will be given a soft lambswool robe to wear. Trust me, it is extremely
soft and comfortable. We use Snuggle when we do the laundry. That’s the product
with the loveable bear in the advertisements.”
this point, I was no longer at all comfortable with what was going on. A couple
of the men bucked and began demanding to be let out. Two women and a man tried crashing
past one of the interviewer’s henchmen to get to the roll-up door. They were
foiled. They were all foiled.
people, there is no need to panic. If you would like to leave, you are welcome
to leave through the door over there.”
pointed to a side door that looked friendly enough. It was even painted pink
with a colorful unicorn set against that pink background. The door would have
looked nice in a child’s bedroom, except it was a commercial door so you can
see the issue there. It also had one of those exit signs you see in buildings, the kind that tell you where to run if there is a fire.
people walked towards it. As they were doing so, the interviewer called out to
them, telling them that they needed to go through the door one at a time.
each person to get clear before going through. I will direct you.”
seemed a little weird, but people were eager to leave. I joined the line, but I
was behind about twenty people. Since I haven’t had a job in twelve years and I
basically live like a parasite off of others, I had nothing to do that day. I
was in no rush to leave, but I’d definitely lost interest in this job. I had a perfect excuse to tell the friends I was currently living with why I didn’t
get the job. “It was some fucked up cult or something. They wanted to strip
search us and make us wear soft woolen robes.”
first person went through and the door swung closed behind him. The next
person reached for the push bar to open the door. The interviewer called out
and reminded them to wait for his signal.
me personally, I couldn’t fathom any reason why the exit from the building was
like that. There didn’t seem to be any reason for it at all. Was the door malfunctioning
in some weird way? Was there an old lady who lived behind the strip mall who
got upset when too many people exited the building at one time? I mean, come
has to be going on here,” the man behind me whispered.
think you may be right,” I whispered back.
you think that door really leads outside? We could be walking right into a meat
grinder. Have you ever seen a human being go through a meat grinder? I have.
just thinking… this unit is between two other units. It isn’t an end unit. That
door has to lead into the unit next door.”
think you’re right. You have a really good-looking ass. Has anyone ever told
you that? I keep wanting to palm the hell out of it.”
I guess I misunderstood what was going on here, but I’ll respect your
it was finally my turn to go through the door, I found out that it indeed led
to the vacant unit next door. It was made up like the interior of a spaceship
that someone had drawn while tripping on acid. There were three men and two
women there. One of the men took me into what looked like a space capsule and
handed me a stack of papers.
are the weaknesses of all your co-workers along with a profile of them. Study
them. Know them. Be prepared to work for your existence.”
the hell are you people on about?”
or be killed. This agency’s function is to place thirty individuals into a work
environment where they have to destroy their co-workers in order to not only
advance, but to keep their jobs.”
if I don’t want this job? Because honestly, I don’t want this job, whatever the
fuck it is.”
that you know what we do and where and how we operate, we cannot release you into the wild. If you try to leave at this point, you will be killed, your
family will be killed, and three of your favorite celebrities will be killed or
supposedly die of natural causes.”
you people murder them?”
is a strong word. I prefer to say that we take them out. It is more respectful.”
punish the wicked. The dead candidate will still be required to work here. When
people die, they are sometimes able to communicate information to people who
are still living. We can’t have that.”
you serious? Are you talking about ghosts revealing government secrets to
is a chance that it happens. There have been stories.”
are you people serious?”
man suddenly rushed out of the mock space capsule and sealed the door behind
him. I was unable to get out. There were no windows. Extremely cold air was
being pumped into the room. I smelled something akin to a fart and then passed
woke up naked, sitting at a standard office desk, on a standard office chair,
in a small office room with no windows. The door behind me was closed. The
stack of papers was on the desk in front of me. I began going through it.
named John Moberly had cheated on his wife twice, once with a man. Information
on his two partners was included in great detail. He was also terrified of
spiders and had a bum knee. There was more, but I won’t go into it here. I respect the memory of John Moberly too much to do that.
rest of the papers had detailed information on all the other employees.
that is how I came to be at this job. There are only two of us left. I am
pretty certain that the other one is you.