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I haven't been able to write anything lately. My mind has fallen into some horrible shutdown. The things I used to enjoy are starting to annoy me. The books I used to read are losing their seduction. I'm wallowing in a pit of self loathing and self pity that I really want to stop. Somethings changing in me but I don't like where it's going. I feel almost like I'm dying spiritually. I feel like my soul is shutting down and soon I'm just going to be some mindless creep with no real substance. I've been cooped up in my house for quite some time because of a broken automobile. I get out every once in a while and that's way too little. My mind won't stay focused and my thoughts come in brilliant flashes that fade to memories that turn into disorganized junk. My head feels swollen but I haven't even ventured anything new or exciting in my journal. I haven't even written in my journal in months.

Is this depression? Has someone out there had these exact experiences also? I'm screaming for help and hoping for some kind of release from this. I want someone to say, "I went through the exact same thing. It passes, trust me." I want something new to come. I want something to snap me out of this. I feel so very stagnate. Please say this goes away. Please say this is a phase. Please say there's something worth it on the other side. Please say this will help me to learn. I would hate to think that this is where it stops. I don't want this to be an impassable wall. I want something to open me up. I want something to lay me bare and turn me inside out. Someone must know this. Someone has to have been here. I can't be alone, can I? I don't want to be alone. I feel so weak for saying these things. I feel so helpless for not being able to control this. I can see no better place than here to express this. Here, amongst a collection of strangers. Here where no one will be afraid to tell me exactly what they think. This place has no concern for me and will provide me with impartial responses to, what may be, a very mundane problem. In any case it would be refreshing to know I'm not alone.

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